Humor

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For the last several days, I've been sitting in the parsonage noticing how quiet it really is. I never noticed the stillness enfolding this place until now. Sigh!

I guess I should just come clean, as they say, and explain the loneliness of these days. The Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage has left me for another man.

Yes, it is true. On Nov. 5, Owen Snyder was born to my son's wife. He weighed in at 8 pounds and 1 ounce, and stretched a full 20 inches. Or so, they tell me.

When the news of the blessed event hit the parsonage my wife, along with the other girls in the family, turned their backs on the men-folk and, without any compunction on their part, headed for the state of Ohio, leaving us in a state of bewilderment.

By now, I'm thinking of running for governor of the state of bewilderment.

God has ordained that men should not be left to their own devices, at least if the womenfolk plan to return to the house and find it the same way they left it. Just a warning for, you know who.

In the scheme of all things domestic, this is how everything lines up: mothers, grandmothers, newborn babies, children, dogs and cats, all other non-male relatives and friends. Then come fathers and finally, way at the back of the line come grandfathers.

By the time I get around to seeing the newest member of the Snyder clan, he'll be hitting me up for a college loan.

As I've been reflecting on these latest events, I have concluded there is a conspiracy afoot. It is Eve's revenge on all sons of Adam. This revenge comes under the guise of pregnancy.

No man is ever prepared for a pregnant wife.

When a young bride blushingly whispers to her husband, "Honey, we're pregnant," no husband understands the "we're" part until one month into the blessed event.

The reason women are pregnant for nine months is that no man alive could ever live with a pregnant woman for ten months. God, after all, is a God of mercy.

I've heard many women tell about how hard being pregnant is and I just smile. Little do they know the real pain of a pregnancy. Pregnancy is hardest upon the father-to-be.

Let me draw you a picture.

When the husband goes to work - if he can go to work - he is a bundle of nerves and full of fears.

He fears several things: his wife will cry all day long; she'll fall down and hurt herself; or she'll eat everything in the house including the furniture.

I ask you, how can a man concentrate on his job when these things are tormenting his mind all day long?

Then, when the poor rascal arrives home it gets worse. I'm referring to those "cravings" his wife will have, usually around 1:47 a.m.

Many times, I've been on the "craving-getting" side of "our" pregnancy. It usually goes something like this.

In the wee hours, the expectant mother will say, "Honey, I'm craving some dill pickles. Would you be a dear and go downstairs and get me some?"

What gentleman can refuse a damsel in distress?

On the way to the refrigerator, I have severely stubbed my toes, run into a door that was not supposed to be there, and tripped over a chair.

By the time I got to the refrigerator, I was usually in pretty bad shape, only to discover the jar of dill pickles in the refrigerator did not have any pickles in it.

Dutifully, I went back and informed my pregnant wife that there are absolutely no dill pickles in the house, and she'll have to wait until morning. Did that settle it? Of course not.

Nothing will satisfy until I get up out of my nice warm bed, dress, go to the nearest grocery store and purchase the coveted jar of dill pickles.

By the time I have made my dill-pickle-run for the evening and get back the pregnant wife, who could not go to sleep without pickles, is fast asleep. I, on the other hand, am so wired from going for the pickles that I can't get back to sleep.

Once, I thought I would be prepared for those mid-night cravings and bought several jars of dill pickles, hiding them in the trunk of my car. When my wife woke me up the following night she whispered, "Honey, I'm really craving a slice of pizza."

This only shows that a pregnant woman will always crave anything as long as it is not readily available.

It took me quite a long time to appreciate the "we're" part of "our" pregnancy, but I finally managed.

Throughout the past week, a song has been going through my head. "How sweet to hold our newborn baby, And feel the pride and joy he gives; But greater still the calm assurance, This child can face uncertain days because He lives!"

The "we're" part of every pregnancy includes raising that child with values and priorities, enabling him or her to face the uncertainties of all the days to come.

The most important, however, will be introducing that little one to the one who can make those uncertain days joyous and fulfilling - Jesus Christ.

Being a husband, which includes being a father and grandfather, is truly a labor of love.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." (Ephesians 5:25 KJV.)

The Rev. James L. Snyder is pastor of the Family of God Fellowship, 1471 Pine Road in Silver Springs Shores. He lives with his wife, Martha, in Silver Springs Shores and can be contacted by calling 687-4240. The Rev. Snyder's Christmas book, "Christmas Through A Parsonage Window," is available. His e-mail address is [email protected]. The church web site is www.whatafellowship.com.

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