Encouragement

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For as long as I can remember, I've been bound by the spirit of fear. This spirit has tormented me, consumed me to the point where it has ruled and reigned in every area of my life. Incomprehensibly paralyzing me in my mind from childhood to adulthood. Fear has kept me from freely expressing myself and has kept me locked up in my own head, caged, feeling unable to participate in the normalcy of life because of the terror of being judged, ridiculed, or rejected.

The flesh wars with the spirit, and everyday there is a struggle in my head. On a good day, I feel I may be going insane, feeling lost and confused. On a daily basis, I war with myself, struggles in my mind. I feel trapped within myself, unable to share, unable to hope. This is a struggle of flesh and spirit - a war. A war that I have been battling my entire life, never really putting up a good fight. In fact, most times, feeling defeated at the mere thought of the conflict and quickly giving up or giving in.

There is always a feeling of self-consciousness and self doubt, feeling paranoid and anxious. Fear has kept me on the outside looking in, longing to participate in life, but too terrified. This feeling has been so rooted in me, it has caused me to have anxiety and panic attacks, thus causing depression. Depressed because of the anxiety of wanting to be seen or heard and defeatism soon following because panic would not let me.

This evil, torturous spirit has robbed me of so much. Aside from keeping me on the outside of life looking in, it has also kept me desperately holding on to broken and emotionally abusive situations that caused me to be obsessive and destructive; unable to let go even when I felt ready to because of the perturbing thoughts that I wouldn't be able to cope with the newness of life that letting go would bring. It's always been easier to hold on to this dread in my soul because of its familiarity, and a part of my fear has always been acceptance of the unfamiliar.

The spirit of fear was not given to me by God (2 Timothy 1:7) though used by the enemy to keep me locked inside my own head, caged with no clearly visible way out, leaving me inexplicably depressed and at times suicidal. I have recognized my tormenter, and I have recognized what he torments me with. I've fasted and prayed against it, but fear seems to have this unbearable hold on me and won't let me out of its grip. Then I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally drained.

When I get to that point, I often pick up a pen and pad and start to scribble the frustrations of my heart.


All these years bound by fear,
mind under attack.
All these years the enemy has stolen from me,
I now want them back.

Years of malice,
self abuse, self defeated;
Feeling broken down,
self hate, emotionally beaten.

Years of tears
streaming down my heart;
Too low to get up,
could not set my self apart.

Apart from the enemy
that had me so bound.
Even though I knew where my release
and my strength could be found.

A daily fight, a struggle
within my own head.
Even though I knew where to go
to get my mind and spirit fed.

Part of me embraced
the place I was at.
It was familiar - being depressed, lonely,
self loathing, sometimes wanting to be just that.

God's tugging, pulling;
trying to bring me out.
To that longed for place of love
and peace I have no doubt.

But so broken, defeated and low am I,
I choose to stay;
Fighting God tooth and nail
every step of the way.

At the same time calling out
"Lord, Lord, please help me; please."
Ready to surrender so I drop to my knees.

Knees bent, face to the ground.
I start to confess to God
where I'm bound.

Tears flowing, loud sobbing.
"Lord speak to me. I'm tired of sitting idle."
Lift up my eyes, look to the left,
and there is my bible.

God speaks to me and says
"Everything you're searching for is found
right there in that book."
He goes on to say, "If you would just embrace me
like you used to and take a look."

I grabbed my bible and said,
"Lord, just lead me where you want me to go."
I let out a loud cry,
"Lord tell me what you want me to know."

He said, "My child, if you would just open up your mind and heart,
Listen to and spend some time with me,
This bondage that you're in,
you shall surely be set free."

I randomly opened up my bible,
My face tear streaked.
The pages fell on Ephesians 6:10,
And the Lord began to speak.

Copyright 2008

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