Testimonies

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Testimony
By Anthony Bowen (Please Send Feedback to [email protected], not private messenger, Thanks)
“Does it seem hopeless?” I read in church as my pastor explains a new “God Gives Hope” campaign. As I sit three rows away from my pastor I think to myself, “Man do I wish I saw this flyer two months ago.” Two months prior to this, everything I did in my life seemed hopeless and pointless. For two months I found myself in the most important struggle of my entire sixteen-year life: searching for the Holy Spirit inside me.
After finishing a year at Falmouth Academy, including courses in Western Civilization I and Earth Science, I classified myself as an atheist. I would tell anyone who asked me why I didn’t believe in a God, “I learned too much.” After learning about the persecution of Jews by Christians, I didn’t want to be a part of a religion with that kind of history. After learning about the Big Bang and evolution, I couldn’t believe that an all-powerful God created Earth and humans. All I saw was that modern day Catholicism was corrupt, tried to pound ideas into peoples’ heads, and was more about politics then anything. At that time in 2002, I had no idea about the details of other sects of Christianity; all I knew was Catholicism. However, as I was laying down the foundation for my ideas about atheism, my new best friend, Charlie, was, as I described him, “a hardcore Christian” and was trying to make me think twice about my choices.
As the tenth grade was coming to a close in May, my views had not changed. However, new feelings of loneliness and despair were coming over me. Friends would ask me, “Why are you always in a bad mood” or “Lighten up a bit, don’t be so serious.” I didn’t really have a grasp on what was going on in my life and how I could change. Slowly, though, after visiting Charlie and his family, I noticed how religion and their devotion to God had made them into such a loving family. He had everything I lacked, and I was jealous of it and wanted it. I only live with my father, and we don’t have a loving relationship at all; my brother and I don’t get along; my mother lives in Florida, where I see her three times a year. I wanted love in my life and was convinced I wasn’t going to find it from my family.
I would have long talks with Charlie about how if he were not religious, he would be a completely different person. He said that he wouldn’t be a good kid anymore and would much rather be a rebel and party on weekends, but that his devotion to God was so much more important than getting trashed on a Saturday night. Every time we had this conversation those words dug deeper and deeper inside me.
All of this was tempting, that I may be able to find love in a God in replacement for my family’s lack and that my friend’s love was so strong, but I still couldn’t get over the facts that I had confronted over the last two years. I couldn’t comprehend how anything other then science created Earth, essentially, I couldn’t get over the technicalities of this religion. However, this all changed on June 22, 2003. I found myself at 10:30 sitting in Charlie’s church trying to comprehend everything that was going on around me. I thought to myself, “This isn’t like a normal Church, it’s just a big room with rows and a lot of people” and “Hey, the priest, or whatever he’s called, isn’t wearing a big white gown, just a normal business suit” and “Wow, everything he’s talking about makes sense, this sermon is awesome.” I sat in Charlie’s church for an hour and at 11:30 I found myself a changed human being. Granted, I still didn’t believe in and/or comprehend Jesus and many other aspects of Christianity, but I knew that I wanted to put every effort into learning.
The rest of that weekend was not as I had wanted it to be. I was so confused about everything. I was stuck between two worlds and didn’t know how to cross over from one to another. I would just be walking in Oak Bluffs not noticing anything around me; all I was doing was thinking. I was mentally torn apart because I wanted what Charlie had so badly but didn’t think I could commit myself to such a big concept. Despite my concerns about Christianity, when I got back from the island, I went behind my father’s back and purchased my first Bible.
Every time I picked up the Bible, for some reason, I believed in what I read. I didn’t have any doubts or any misunderstandings as I finished Genesis or was reading through Exodus. Things really began to click with Christianity, but I still lacked the most important thing: a belief and understanding of Jesus. Luckily for me, I have an awesome friend who has an even more awesome family, and he invited me to a Christian music festival called Soul Fest. However, to get to Soul Fest I would need to struggle through two roadblocks, my boss and my father. I needed the time off, for it was a five-day festival, but could only give my boss a week’s advance. Again, as I called it then, I was lucky enough to have a nice boss who gave me the time off and then some. My dad served as my biggest challenge though. It wasn’t so much getting permission to go that was the problem, it was explaining to him the idea of an all-Christian event. The hard part about this was that he had no idea that I wanted to devote myself to God or that I had any association with religion. Again, luckily, it wasn’t an awkward conversation, and he just kept nodding his head as I explained the whole situation.
As I look back now, Soul Fest was probably the most important event of my struggle. Here, I started to read the Gospels of Mathew and Mark, observe thousands and thousands of Christians all together, and finally accept Jesus into my life. Every hour, from about two till midnight, Charlie and I would walk around Loon Mountain watching different bands perform. As I looked around I couldn’t help noticing how different of world I was in. Mostly everyone I saw or met was nice to each other in some way. And then, as one worship song puts it, I had my defining moment. I had decided to go to a night show alone, without Charlie or any of his family, where a guy named Michael W. Smith was performing. He played a lot of different worship music, which was very inspiring. Thousands of people were around me all praising God for all his glory and then about twenty minutes into the concert I lifted my hands in the air and spoke to Jesus for the first time. I had come to the realization that God is with me wherever I go. After that concert, everything was just better; I was in a much happier mood and everything seemed clear. And then as the weekend was coming to a close Charlie helped me wrap everything up. He told me: I can see Christ working in you, from getting inspired at my Church to being able to come this weekend. Those simple words were all I needed; this was my proof that the Christ was with me, because Charlie had said so.
Everything was running smoothly once I got back. I had experienced the most exhilarating feeling I had ever been blessed with to feel and wanted to make this a lifestyle. But, as I predicted, my dad got in my way again. I had talked to a pastor from a local church who invited me to service and was on my way to go Sunday morning when my Dad asked me, “Where are you going?” and I simply replied, “To church.” That was the end of that conversation, but it kills me that I can’t talk to my Dad about the most important thing in my life.
Today, as I look back on the summer, I love what I see. I’m glad that it wasn’t an overnight change, but that it came gradually. Without a struggle, it wouldn’t have amounted to much and probably wouldn’t have happened. I needed to see that everything that was happening around me was for a reason and being controlled. I continue to struggle with my father, but hopefully, one day, that struggle will cease.
(Please Send Feedback to [email protected], not private messenger, Thanks)

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