Grief

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Dear God,

Momma always told me that it would be okay to talk to you whenever I need to. I sure need to right now. I hope I’m not bothering you? Momma said I could never bother you, but you’ve got the whole world to run and sometimes, I am sure it’s kind of hard to keep track with everybody…huh?

Momma is pretty lucky these days. She gets to not only talk to you, but also walk hand-n-hand with you now. I bet she is beautiful? Life wasn’t too good to her while she was here. Her body was so worn and beaten down. But I bet you gave her a beautiful body now…huh? Ya know… No matter how bad things got for her; all the beatings she endured by my stepfather; she managed to still keep going and forgave him anyway; even after he beat her son to death too. God…she is a lot like you in that way. Always thinking the best of everyone, no matter what they did to her. I am so proud of her.

Remember the time when I came home and found her wrapping Christmas presents for that man? I was so shocked! How could she spend her hard earned money on someone who took her baby boy away from her? I’ll never forget the answer she gave me. You remember…don’t you God? She said: “The price you pay for holding a grudge, far outweighs the pain you received from the person you held the grudge against.” Wow! To her…holding a grudge against this man would cost her more, than actually losing the life of her precious baby boy. You know God…it kind of puts things into perspective, doesn’t it?

Life sucks right now! I know you tell me that patience is a fruit of the Spirit. Fruit is supposed to be juicy and sweet…right? Right now…the fruit seems to taste more like sour lemons. I know that I am supposed to try to make lemonade out of those lemons…but it isn’t coming out too tasty these days. I miss momma’s advice. She always seemed to know what to say. Even if she didn’t have all the answers, she always had that special way that a mom has to cheer me up! I miss her so much. I feel lost without her support. I haven’t had much since she left me to go live with you.

How is momma doing? I bet she and her baby boy is having so much fun getting to know each other? Did you give her a big house? She always liked cottages and boy was she a neat freak! I bet she’s keeping your place really clean! No need for maid service up there now that she's around…huh?

She was also a great organizer too. Everything had it’s place and you could always find something if you needed it. Even the bath towels were folded in perfect form. Did you notice that I took after her in that way? I fold my towels the same way. I too…took after her in the “neat freak” department. I guess when it’s my time to come home…with mom and me on your team; you will have the cleanest house in all of heaven!

Sometimes I wish you would come get me. I know I am supposed to have patience, because that day will come soon enough. I sure can’t wait! What a joyful reunion it will be too! I bet you that momma is already organizing everything in my house and getting it ready for me…huh? That’s my momma! Always on top of things! You probably couldn’t stop her if you wanted to. You know my momma! As soon as she makes up her mind to do something, it’s hard to get her to change her mind. (Chuckle…) (Pause…) (Sigh…)

I hope momma wasn’t too disappointed you took her home so soon? She wanted so badly to stay with us, despite all the pain she endured. I wanted her to stay too. For selfish reasons I suppose. I wish I knew why life had to be so hard? I am so tired of crying. I wanted you to be so proud of me for remaining brave and strong. I failed you in that department I guess… Lucky for me you are full of patience, because I would be in deep trouble if you weren’t.

Well… I guess that’s it. Thank you listening.

P.S. Please tell momma I love her and I can’t wait to see her again!

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