Christian Living

---

I sat feeling nauseated one Sunday morning just a few hours before it was time to head off to church. No, it wasn't the thought of attending church that inspired this--I love my church--but rather, it was yet again another bout of something no Christian should be given to: fear. Shocking as it may be for someone who claims to love and trust God, fear had consumed my life up until a very short time ago. I didn't simply have a fear of certain things; what I put myself through borders on panophobia--the fear of everything.

A few months ago I emigrated from Canada to the U.S. to marry my finance whom I met online and begin the tedious process of becoming an American citizen. I didn't know what would happen, but naturally, for me, I made sure I put myself into a state of worry before I even got here. Will it work out? Will I like America? What if I can't find employment?

Then came the fret of the wedding which almost gave me a heart attack. While on our honeymoon in a nice scenic cabin in the mountains, I worried about if we were spending too much money on meals; whether our old 92 Cadillac--which my wife "lovingly" calls the beast-- would survive the long drive; and what how we'd get along once we got back and settled into married life. My marriage was all of two days old and already I had worried about it being doomed.

From the moment I arose to the time I went to sleep, I was always afraid of something. Back in Canada, I was single with few of what anyone would consider real worries, yet, I always found something to fret about no matter how pleasant the day seemed to be going and when I got married, and became part of a blended family, my fears only multiplied intensely. I thought the absolute worse of every problem, predicament, and situation, thinking that the most treacherous outcomes would surely come to pass.

Despite all this, I had always believed in the promises of God and the bible in countless places tells God's people to "fear not" or "Do not be afraid". Psalm 23:4 says "I will fear no evil, for you are with me". However, it's one thing to know these promises are in scripture, it's quite another to put them into practice. There are things we often understand we must do, but don't do them. I had the bible--the complete revelation from God to man and the compilation of knowledge and direction penned specifically for us--yet even though I knew it well, refused to apply it to life experience.

Besides my fears making me physically ill, it also caused several of my relationships to deteriorate including my marriage. I would go weeks without phoning my family back home for fear they would criticize me for my new life, which was foolishness, but in my mind, it was certain to occur. I would fear that when my wife had a bad day, she would come home and take it out on me, which also didn't happen. I couldn't possibly socialize for fear of rejection and ridicule, so I would retreat to another room whenever someone came to the house. I would worry about what her parents thought of me, what her children thought of me, and what her friends thought of me; always thinking that surely they had nothing but distaste and disapproval towards me even though my wife made it abundantly clear that everyone said they really liked me.

What was fascinating about my fears was that almost none of them were valid. There are people out there with genuine fears about various things but mine were nothing but sheer paranoia. I had a nice home to live in, a loving family, and my faith I believed, was strong. But often that's how it is with excessive fears; it's similar to hypochondria--whatever is causing you distress or concern is usually only in your head. I found it particularly depressing because I was a Christian. A person right with God shouldn't possibly be afraid of so much and it brought upon me yet another worry; a worry that I might not be truly Christian.

My wife and I have typical family problems like anyone else, but for me, they weren't problems, they were unsolvable catastrophes for which there was no escape except for me to abandon my marriage and return to Canada. As atrocious as that sounds, that was my frame of mind.

As I sat there in front of the television, something compelled me to go outside for a moment and pray. I can't explain it, but in that moment, I truly realized that I had a problem. As I began talking to God, something was taking place. I had known that I was afraid of a lot, but God in that instant showed me the ailment I suffered with for so long. This had been a lifelong struggle since childhood but never did I realize how serious it was. Words couldn't convey the relief I felt after this eye-opener; it was completely unexpected, and more astounding is the fact that almost immediately afterward, my fears were gone. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I felt like everything was going to be all right. God had miraculously erased my mind of needless anxiety and I felt overwhelmed, almost in shock.

My wife never knew about my problem, but when I came back into the house, I sat her down and confessed everything. I could feel even more burden being lifted from my shoulders, and it was eye opening for her too, because now everything fit--my reluctance to socialize, my procrastination, my depression, my moodiness, and my monk-like behavior. God had done a work in me, and no longer was I nauseated or nervous about anything. The amazing thing is that nothing in my life changed situationally. I am the same man now with the same tasks, challenges, and problems as I had before. But that's what I missed. I would go to Christ in prayer and beg him to change my situations and circumstances, but never change me. It was my fear of things, not any dilemma, that impeded my living a fruitful and joyful life under God. Now, problems don't seem nearly as gargantuan, and I can actually imagine that positive outcomes are indeed feasible in daily living, and that not everybody and everything are out to get me. I wish I could say it was my steadfast faith that moved God to help me, but honestly, it wasn't. I obviously didn’t have much faith but God moved on his own because that's what he does. He loves us, and whom he loves he chastens and corrects.

The scripture is meant to change a person, not their surroundings, so they may better handle life's hurdles. I had wasted so many years in this anxiety that I hid from everyone but God made a promise in the book of Joel:

25 “ So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
The crawling locust,
The consuming locust,
And the chewing locust,
My great army which I sent among you. Joel 2:25

My locust was my fear, and although God can't replace my physical years, he can ensure the rest of my years are without unnecessary worry and fear. It almost feels like I've been born again, again.

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE