Devotionals

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Psalm 139:14 - May 27, 2008
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.

A few years ago a valued friend told me that on my birthday I should be on the look out for a special gift from God. I thought this seemed intriguing, but I was skeptical. Over the past three years I have looked, but never have I noticed anything I could claim was a birthday present from my glorious Father in heaven. However, amazingly enough, today on my 45th birthday, I definitely received a gift from God. I received freedom from something that has had a hold on me all my life, and it is a gift too wonderful to keep to myself, and so I would like to share it with you.

Last week I was sharing with a friend about how I have this sort of phobia about wearing hospital gowns, and feeling exposed in front of people when I have to endure a medical procedure - that it is almost painful and makes me feel nauseous. The fact that medical staff see hundreds of bodies every week and I'm certain have no particular thoughts about my individual body does not seem to affect the fact that I feel humiliated and ashamed, and especially if they have to lift my gown.

Interestingly, our conversation also revealed the fact that I feel this same fear of exposure when I have to speak in front of a room full of my peers. As we began to talk it seemed that these two fears I have are somehow related, and I began to pray about what the underlying cause of each fear was, and how they might be connected.

Last night I was reading through the Bible study, Lies Women Believe, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. On page 40 she states, "Every area of bondage in our lives can be traced back to a lie." Those words stayed in my head all night, and I woke up this morning wondering what lie Satan had gotten me to believe that was keeping me a captive through fear.

As I searched through the Scriptures this morning trying to understand why I had these fears, I was taken on a little detour instead. God directed me to Scripture after Scripture of how leaders are held up to a higher standard, and how we must be strong before others so that they can see our faith, and how our words and actions must reveal Christ to others, no matter what. All this seemed such a heavy burden for a Christian as new as myself, and I sensed resentment forming at such responsibility. However, I began to understand that I was acting like my teenage son, who often becomes resentful when I treat him childishly, yet he refuses to step up to his responsibilities. Hmmmm. How interesting! So that's what my teenager was good for - God was going to use him to teach me humility - how nice! I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and continued searching God's word. Now that I was past my childishness, it seemed we could move on to the real issues at hand.

I began thinking about why my schoolmates were able to humiliate me as they did. What made it possible for them to humiliate me? Was it a skinny shapeless body that allowed them to humilate me? Was it because I was stupid? Was it because I was ugly? Or because I had strange quirks that drew attention to myself? Actually, no. It wasn't any of those things. I was actually kind of plain, and there were lots of children who were just like me. So, what was the one thing that enabled these bullies to get to me? And then God spoke to my heart, and I knew the answer. I let them.

I believed their lies. I developed an image of myself in my mind that was based on their words. After all, if everyone said these things about me, didn't they have to be at least a little bit true? I let them direct my thoughts. I enabled them to pick on me. I gave them power to influence me. I didn't think I was doing that. I adamantly refused to accept what they said, on the outside. But, somewhere down deep on the inside, I must have wondered if it were true, because I allowed seeds of fear and shame and humiliation to be planted and grow until they overpowered my self esteem and ability to function.

Last year God asked me to put together a women's retreat, so I did. A few days before the retreat, as I was listening to our pastor's Sunday sermon, God pressed on me that I needed to give a testimony at the retreat. How awful! How could I speak in front of a room full of my peers? I knew what had happened in high school when I had an oral report to give. I would be ill the night before, in a cold sweat through class until it was my turn, and then I'd get up there, shuffle my cue cards to hide my panic when suddenly all eyes were upon me, and then realize that I had messed them all up and there was no way I could figure out where to begin even if I wanted to. Then, after snickers and name-calling I would sit down, humiliated, receiving a zero for all my efforts. Well, I really didn't know how I was going to stand up and speak in front of those women, but what little I knew about God at that point told me that I had to obey, and so I did.

It was extremely difficult to even consider talking about how awful those girls treated me. I felt like I was revealing to everyone what a dorkish idiot I was. I felt like I was pointing out all my faults to everyone so they could dislike me too. But, as only God can do, He gave me the words, He gave me the strength to stand there, and He opened my mouth and allowed me to speak, and He used my testimony not only to speak to the hearts of many, many of the women there that day, but to heal my hurting soul and release me from that pain. Suddenly I saw Him using that pain to heal others right in front of me, and it filled me with an unexplainable joy! There was satisfaction in knowing I had endured all I did, so that God could use it to help others heal. I was free!

Well, even though I am now free of the pain of those experiences, I am not yet free of the fear. How can that be? So, finally, I asked myself, "What would God want me to know, so that I can rise above these false accusations? Immediately, thanks to what I learned in Nancy Leigh DeMoss' Bible study about Satan's lies, the answer came: The Truth. So what is the truth? The truth is God's Word as revealed in the Bible. The inspired Word of God. As I opened it a final time this morning in reflection of all these things, God brought me to the words in Psalm 139:14, and I realized I needed to replace those lies I had believed with God's truth, and let the truth set me free. So, I prayed,

"God, 'I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.' Father, no matter what lies I heard as a child, I now know that Your Word says I am wonderfully made. Some translations even say perfectly made. God You created me, and You are perfect. You don't make things that are worthless. You call us precious and loved. Who am I to listen to the lies of Satan through the words of those children so many years ago, and let them be powerful in my life, when I can choose to listen to my perfect and holy God, know the truth, and break free from the fears that hold me captive? Thank You, Jesus, for saving me and for setting me free! In Your name I pray, Amen."

And by the way, when I go to the hospital for an Echo Cardiogram this Thursday, I will not be afraid. Instead of feeling ashamed and humiliated about my body, I will remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I will boast in the healing power of Christ Jesus. I once was weak, but now I am strong, for I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (From Philippians 4:13)

Step out there in faith ladies! There is nothing you cannot do in the strength of God. You just have to find out what lies Satan has been filling you with to keep you from being victorious. God can use anyone to do anything. What's holding you back? His love and mine, Donna

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