Family
Is there a greater feeling than raising a hellion: a rebellious, unruly, and disrespectful child? These ten commandments will help you do just that. If you want nothing more than to visit your child in a juvenile detention center, these commandments will help you reach this goal. Strictly adhering to these bovine mandates will lessen the chances that your children will contribute to humanity in any positive way.
In order to instill in our kids the traits required to be true hellions, then it is imperative that you follow these ten commandments. I have added important commentary to help apply these commandments. WARNING: Doing the opposite of these commandments may lead to loving, mature, well-adjusted children who will actually make an impact on the world.
I - Thou shalt make thyself the number one priority.
You are numero uno. You have earned your position of authority by being able to breed. Children are basically the irritating result of having a little fun in your birthday suit. They should in no way hinder your desires to do what you want when you want. Your time is yours. Spend it doing things that you enjoy. There is no reason to play with your kids or waste your time on them. And heaven forbid, you should roll around on the ground and get dirty or itchy, so your kids can have fun. You have got a lot to accomplish, and you can’t do that hanging out with pesky kids. They don’t like being around you anyway, so just buy them stuff to make up for your absence. Watch your TV. Participate in all your recreational activities. Do anything that keeps you away from home. Work, work, work for your dreams. Your time is your time.
II - Thou shalt be inconsistent with thy discipline.
The best way to discipline your kids is to keep them on the ropes. Don’t let them know what’s coming next. Don’t establish boundaries. It’s actually better for them if you don’t tell them the rules, then bust them when they unknowingly break them. Never let them know what’s coming next, or they will take advantage of you. Keep them guessing. Unfulfilled threats about discipline help reinforce their obedience. When your children lie, steal, or cheat, don’t worry too much about that. Hey, we all did it and that’s part of growing up. You’ve got to let some things go. But if they don’t do something exactly the way you want them to or commit the smallest infraction, lay the wood down. How else are you going to institute fear, so they will really know when you mean business? Do not allow the annoying munchkins to embarrass you. If they act like kids, then teach them a lesson. Your pride is more important than all else.
III - Thou shalt let thy anger control thine self.
If your anger controls you, then it surely controls them. Children learn respect through your great outbursts of anger. It helps them learn to control their own developing emotions. This commandment goes hand in hand with the prior commandment. If you discipline with anger, especially with spanking, then you reinforce the teaching. Those red marks are but signs that you’re getting your point across. Live by the slogan, “The beatings will continue until your attitude improves.” It’s okay to SCREAM at your kids for any reason. They probably deserve it anyway. Those ashen, downtrodden faces are only a manipulative tool. Remember - berate to elevate. One effective parenting ploy is to have an angry eruption for something miniscule. Yes, your children may not be able to perform at your adult standards, but let them know, in no uncertain terms, you expect more from them RIGHT NOW!
IV - Thou shalt never teach by example.
The only good example is a bad example. There’s no need in forsaking your freedom to live how you want in order to set some goody-two shoes example. So what if you break a promise here or there? So what if you if you get strung out on booze or drugs? So what if you treat your spouse worse than your pet? The old adage, “Do as I say and not as I do” is not a wise saying for nothing. Your kids will not notice your hypocrisy. Your word is law. Kids must obey it. Example is so much less than it’s made out to be. Your children don’t need to be shown the way. They will find it quickly enough on their own. Plus, being an example requires way too much work. And you have to be accountable. That’s no way to parent. This is a free country - live with no restraints.
V - Thou shalt not show affection.
Affection towards your children indicates weakness. It shows you’re not in control. Affection leads to vulnerability and we can’t have that. Kisses and hugs are overrated, particularly for boys. A good smack when you are instilling discipline is all the affection a child needs. Kids learn to deal with the harshness of the world when they’re taught about harshness at home. If you make your home like the world, instead of a wimpy refuge from the world, your kids will learn to better adapt. Why should you let your children know you love them? Goodness, then they’ll only expect more. And if you give more, you may actually have to show emotions that build your child up. Parenting is about tearing down, so the world can then define them.
VI - Thou shalt never apologize.
The fact is you can do no wrong as a parent. Your actions, even if questionable, are done as an authority. Because you are an authority figure in your children’s lives, any action you take is okay. Any harm you may cause them makes them stronger. They’ll get over it. You are training them to be adaptable and get along in this cruel world. Forgiveness is for sissies, and asking forgiveness is even worse. “I’m sorry” should not be a part of your language. Likewise, never ever praise your children. Then they will get the big head. They may even become more rebellious because of it. If you treasure them, then they will only think of themselves as treasures. Criticism, not compliments, is what makes for good little hellions. Remember, you are never wrong and they are never right.
VII - Thou shalt give no credence to thy child’s individuality.
Children should be puppets of their parents. They are not unique. They came from your loins and should emulate you as closely as possible. You have every right to live vicariously through your children. The things they like and the things they do is a direct reflection on the parent. Force them to excel at those things you wish you had excelled at. It will give them complete satisfaction. One way to succeed at this is to constantly compare your children to each other, particularly to the one child seems to have the most talent. Kids are not mature enough to understand individuality, so don’t give them one. You must demand the same from each child. Also, don’t ask for their opinion. Kids have no opinion other than the opinion you give them.
VIII - Thou shalt put mundane tasks before thy children.
Life is busy. You have to take care of those things that are most important. The dishes won’t wash themselves, the yard won’t mow itself, and the house won’t clean itself. Every task is crucial. Every task has to be done right now. The children will appreciate your time management and productivity when they are sitting at the police station. Appearances, particularly to neighbors and social acquaintances, always take precedence over children. Your time is best served taking care of things; not little grimy-handed, Kool-Aid stained humanoids. Your children will be there tomorrow, but if the wash doesn’t get done today, then you’ll look like a loser. Some things must be done for the greater good of you.
IX - Thou shalt be more hip than thy children.
Your kids don’t hold you on a pedestal, so sink to their level of coolness. They don’t look up to you because you are mature and wise. If hip-huggers and halter-tops are the rage, then show that aging body of yours. Let your jeans sag halfway down your flattening buttocks. And if you’re in excellent shape, then dress even more provocatively and hip. Find out the latest phrases, and talk like your kids. That will make you relevant to their friends. Be the house that hosts all the parties, particularly if there is alcohol. There is no better training for your children than embarrassing them in front of their friends. I don’t care what your kids say, your latest dance moves will impress their friends. You are cool. Let everyone know.
X - Thou shalt never establish a spiritual foundation.
God may not be dead, but you need to show he’s barely breathing. Spiritual stuff is way to confusing and difficult to learn, much less teach. Lighting a candle to show the way is for the monks, and God knows, you’re not a monk. Ideologies and theologies are only for the seminary-trained specialists anyway. Even if you believe in God, don’t let your children know. Don’t pray and don’t go to church. Don’t help you children try to answer the basic questions of life: Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going? Children are fully capable of understanding profound concepts on their own. They must make their own decisions about such critical issues. Any guidance will only hinder their development. Your children do not need to believe in something greater than themselves. They don’t want to know that perhaps there is a purpose to this life. They don’t want to know about a loving Creator. And whatever you do, don’t read the Bible or ever, ever mention the name “Jesus.”
These ten commandments should get you well on your way to raising hellions. Despite your best efforts, there will always be those exceptional brats who will turn out virtuous and upright. However, if you follow these commandments, you stand a good chance of having family conversations through a bullet-proof, glass wall. In fact, maybe your local rehab institution will give you a quantity discount for more than one hellion.
Disclaimer: The above “commandments” are meant to be satirical. They are NOT meant to be taken literally. They are best used as a learning tool of what not to do.
Seriously, I read these commandments to my boys over dinner, not telling them I was the author. Their questions ranged from, “Is that guy for real?” to “Is that guy whacked?” The sad but awakening thing is that many of these “commandments” come from my own parenting mistakes. My real life experiences are often my best (or worst) resources. I am my own constant improvement project. By the way, I’m not sure what “whacked” means, but I will start using it in accordance to Commandment Nine.
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As much as I enjoyed this article; you'll forgive me for not reading it to my kids, they'd vote on it and have it ratified before sundown! As a satire, for the most part it continued its downward trend, but there were a couple of places that seemed "honest" which is what a satire is not, as you well know. Those places, unless I misread them because I was laughing too much, also seemed too positive for a satirical piece. Otherwise, I appreciate your work and most of all the honesty you share in your disclaimer. I just picked up a book entitled; "If Experience is the Best Teacher-Why do I keep taking the course?"....sounds like you could write its sequel.
Love the tongue-in-cheek, but VERY effective wisdom here (of reverse psychology, of course!). I have also made many of these mistakes - but isn't it wonderful to have a God who forgives?
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