Gospel

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[Author's note: I am paraphrasing
Scripture here, just like I often
do with the Old Testament. In
other words, it's created dialogue.]
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As I made my journey
and drew near to Damascus,
about noon a great light
from Heaven
suddenly shone about me.
[Acts 22: 6]
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Saul, born a Jew, and educated
as a Pharisee, is journeying
toward another
city of ancient Rome. He
has instructions to deliver
more of the followers of
the Nazarene, to the
hands of his elders. On
the way, however, he gets
struck by Lightening.
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"SAUL!"

"WHAT? What's goin' ON?
I can't SEE anything!
What's GOIN' ON?"

"SAUL!"

"Hey, SERVANTS!
Did you see that flash 'a
LIGHTENING?"

"Yeah, boss: just a
MINUTE, ago!
WOW! Was THAT
BRIGHT!"

"SAUL!"

"Who's sayin' THAT?
Sir, I'm a PHARISEE!
NOBODY talks 'ta me,
like THAT!"

"I DO, Saul.
I'M YOUR LORD."

"Heah? Is this some
kin'a JOKE?"

"UH, UH."

"Hey, SCRUFFY SERVANTS!
Do YOU hear that?"

"Hear WHAT, boss?
Hey! Did you see that
LIGHTENING?
WOW! That was
SO CLOSE...weird, huh?"

"I STILL can't SEE!
I could'a sworn I
heard SOMETHIN...?"

"YOU DID, SAUL.
It IS I."

"Hey, you no good SERVANTS!
QUIT THAT!
I'm gonn'a get mad,
in a second! And,
it's just about my
lunchtime! I'm
ALREADY in a bad mood!"

"Boss, we ain't doin'
NOTHIN'! And, the
lightening's GONE.
What's a' matter,
boss: ya' still can't
SEE?"

"No, you IDIOTS;
I can't see!
Why do'ya think
I'm groping around,
here, in the DIRT?"

"We thought 'ya
got struck by the
lightening, boss!
Hey, guys! Help
me get'im up!"

"STAY RIGHT WHERE
YOU ARE, SAUL.
I AM THE LORD."

"Eh.......SERVANTS?
Just let'me
sit here, for a minute,
OKAY?"

"Sure thing, boss.
But, boss......'ya ain't
sittin'; you're KNEELIN'.
Did 'ya want us to PRAY
with you? Don't we
usually pray, after we
get to a good
spot in the ROAD?"

"SAUL, DO AS I SAY."

"Eh......sure thing', Lord.
Hey, my dutiful SERVANTS?
Just go off, for a minute,
OKAY? The Lord wants
'ta talk with me."

"Sure thing, boss.
We'll be sittin' under
that tree; I mean,
the tree nearby.
Just tell us when
you're ready!"

(Saul rolls his blinded
eyes, with great irritation.
What a bunch of nincumpoops
he had to journey with.......
couldn't Pharisee Putzee
have sent him with some
more capable TRAVELING
companions?
Once he got to Damascus,
he'd really have to COMPLAIN...)

"SAUL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Huh, Lord? Eh....I'm,
I'm.... eh, sittin' here, in
the dirt."

"NO, MY CHILD.
YOU ARE KNEELING....
BEFORE ME, YOUR LORD."

"Uh, yeah! Yes, You're right,
Lord! So, eh.....why is it LIGHTENING
out in the middle of a sunny DAY, Lord?
Not that I'm complaining, but......"

"BECAUSE I AM HERE."

"You're right, Lord!
You BET!
No doubt about THAT!
So, eh.....(Gulp.)
when am I gonna' get my eyesight back?"

"I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
PERHAPS, IN A COUPLE DAYS.
[PURPOSEFUL SILENCE]
WE'LL SEE."

"Yeah, eh.....okay. Sure thing, Lord."
So, eh.....what's UP? I'm kind'a
busy, right now. I got these
orders from my top elder; actually, his
name is Pharisee Putzee. Well, his
mother named him Schmata, but he
rebelled, not happy with that choice,
and......"

"SAUL!"

"Yeah, Lord? I'm still here!"

"THAT'S WHAT I'VE COME TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT."

"Who: SCHMATA? I mean, Pharisee Putzee?
Why, Lord? What happened: did his pet
lion get lose, again? Hey, Lord, You know,
I told him, a long time ago,
'Listen, Putzee, you gotta' get rid
of that LION! One day, you're gonna'
have a law suit on your hands!'
But does he listen, Lord....?"

"SAUL!"

"Yeah, Lord? Did You wan'me
to talk to him again, about it?"

[PATIENT, ENDURING SILENCE.]
"NO, CHILD.
[PATIENT SIGH.]
"IT'S ABOUT YOUR TRIP."

"What is it, Lord; oh, did You
wan'me to take that OTHER road
to Damascus? WHY? I don't like
that route; it's way too busy,
what with all the oxen, and traveling
merchants. Whoa, this time a' day,
when the sun's at it's highest,
the SMELL would...."

"SAUL!"

"Plus, they're always doin'
construction on it, Lord. Last
trip, it must'a taken me at least
4 extra hours....!"

[MORE PATIENT SILENCE.]
"SAUL! SAUL!
WHY DO YOU PERSECUTE ME?"

"HUH? WHAT? NO WAY, LORD!
Who told 'Ya THAT? No WAY!
Hey, was it that yentah sister-in-law
of mine.....? Lord, I have no
idea how Bruxton puts UP with her!
She's the biggest pain....!"

[ANOTHER FLASH OF LIGHTENING,
THIS TIME WITH THUNDER.]
"WHO DO YOU THINK I AM, SAUL?"

"Eh....well, do You think we can
discuss this another time, Lord?
It's way past my lunch hour, and...."

"NO. WE'RE GONNA' TO DISCUSS IT, NOW."

"Eh, sure, Lord. Can I get off my knees, now?"

"NO."

"Uh, (clears throat)....okay.
That's okay. 'Ya know, I never liked
this robe, anyway. 'Ya know, my sister-in-law,
the one I was tellin' 'Ya, about? Well, her
cousin, Netchil, the robe-maker in northern Jerusalem,
made it for me. To be honest, it's NEVER
fit me right, Lord. You know, it's always
tugged me right around the....."

"SAUL! LOOK AT ME!"

[Saul first closes one blinded eye,
and then the other, squinting
dispiritedly.]
"I can't see nothin', Lord."

"YES, YOU CAN."

"Eh, no....Lord, I CAN'T!"

"DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, CHILD."

"Okay. Sure, I can see 'Ya."

"GOOD. NOW, I ASK YOU AGAIN, CHILD;
WHO AM I?"

"Eh.....the One Who told my mother
to give me the middle name of 'Paul'?
I never liked that name, Lord....."

"THAT IS WHAT YOU SHALL BE CALLED,
FROM NOW ON."

"Huh? Oh, Lord.....I REALLY
hate that name. It reminds me of this
uncle I used 'ta have......"

[BIGGER AND LOUDER THUNDER BOLT TO
GO ALONG WITH THE LIGHTENING.]

"PAUL!"

"Yes, Sir....I mean, yes, Lord?"

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?"

"Eh......well, the One Who made
all the stars and planets in the sky?
Although, I must say, Lord, there's
that one star; do 'Ya see it?
It looks like it's real far away...?
Well, I think that's really a planet, Lord.
I was just arguing with my fellow Pharisee,
the other day....Punum: do You know him?
He's an okay guy, but,
he's got the worst habit....man, I can't
STAND when people grind their teeth...."

[INFINITE PATIENT SILENCE]
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM, PAUL?"

"Huh? Oh, that's right, Lord!
I already forgot.....I thought for
a minute You were talkin' to my
uncle. What a figless cake HE was...!"

"WHO AM I, PAUL?"

[Scared, and unsure silence.
Lift of skinny, narrow shoulders.]
"I'm not sure, Lord...."

"I AM JESUS OF NAZARETH WHOM YOU
ARE PERSECUTING."

(Stunned silence)
"Uh, oh.
(More silence.)
I think I'm gonna' throw up."

[NOD.]
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To be continued......

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