Humor

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FOR FUN CSI: Saving Private Ryan

SKIPPER (Grissom, Horatio Caine, Mac Taylor, etc.)
LAB TECH 1
LAB TECH 2
LAB TECH 3

SFX Door Opens

LAB TECH 1: Another body, Skipper.

SKIP: We seem to be getting a lot of those this week. Same signs as the others?

LAB TECH 2: Yep. Covered in white beach sand, clothes soaked in salt, severe trauma--

SKIP: Gun shot wound?

LAB TECH 1: Multiple. Someone wanted this boy dead.

SKIP: Run the slugs through ballistics pronto. Now, what do we know about this kid?

LAB TECH 3: Says on this tag: Hopkins, Thomas, Nineteen, from Oklahoma, type O blood, Protestant

LAB TECH 2: It doesn’t fit, Skip, none of these kids were from the same place. This was is from Oklahoma, the others were from Utah, Alaska--

SKIP: But they are all in the military. I find that interesting.

LAB TECH 3: You think someone is targeting our service boys?

SKIP: It would appear that way. And they were all killed on the same beach in France. Now how did they know that these soldiers were going to be there at the same time?

LAB TECH 1: Report came back from ballistics, Skip. Round is a 50 caliber, from a machine gun, the metal in the slug came from Germany.

SKIP: Germany? Are you sure.

LAB TECH 1: Yep, just like the others

SKIP: So someone who gets their ammunition from Germany, is shooting our American soldiers on a beach in France.

LAB TECH 2: And using some pretty heavy ordnance, as well.

SKIP: Yesssssss. It would be rather difficult to hide that size of weapon on a beach in France, wouldn’t you think?

LAB TECH 1: Do you think the perp is still there?

SKIP: That might depend if there are any more targets for our German friend there. Get me military dispatch, find out if they are scheduling any deployments of American soldiers to beach sites in France for the next month.

LAB TECH 1: That’s going to be classified information, Skip.

SKIP: Well, tell our friends in the armed forces they might need to release that information if they want to save lives. There’s a German – possibly more – lurking around the beaches of Normandy preying upon our service men deployed there. They might have to recall them. How many are there now?

LAB TECH 3: Last report was 156,000 allied American, British and Canadian troops.

SKIP: That’s quite a picnic, even by army standards. Contact the General. Let him know his troops might be in danger and he might need to cancel his operations there until we can find this German predator who likes to play with guns. In the meantime, I think we need to get a transport to Normandy. I want to look at the scene.

ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week when we bring you another installment of the exciting epic production of “CSI: Saving Private Ryan”.

SFX: Shelling, machine gun fire, water splashes, screams, cries of pain, orders being shouted

LAB TECH 1: : (yelling) We’ve got four hundred more bodies on the beach to identify, Skip, gunshot wounds, trauma from massive explosions, you name it! There must be a hundred thousand shell casings scattered across the beach and the lab is backed up, we won’t get a DNA result for weeks!

SKIP: I think our German soldier-hater brought along some friends! Looks like we’re going to have to put in some overtime! Carson! Make sure you’ve got your gloves on before you pick up that grenade! You’ll contaminate the entire scene!

SFX: Huge close explosion

SKIP: Carson? Carson?

ANNOUNCER: Join with our exciting story as the CSI Team painstakingly scour the Normandy beaches and through the French country side right up to the German lines in order to Save Private Ryan – CSI Style!

SKIP: Someone bag that body!

ANNOUNCER: Be there!

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