Christian Living

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Larry Lilly's Letter Friday November 9, 2007

A friend sent an article entitled, Bad Headlines From Here and Everywhere, and the word 'bad' is the active one. Try this one:

"Cold weather linked to temperatures."

Or

"Collegians are turning to vegetables."

And how about this one:

"20 year friendship ends at altar."

One recurring problem faced by marriage counselors is the fact that many married people do not like each other. Upon reflection in a non-warm environment it becomes a glaring fact that they never really liked each other, but they were attracted for more hormonal reasons, and well you get the drift. The Dutch folks in Pennsylvania say it this way, "Kissin don't last cookin do."

It takes a super strong friendship to withstand the rigors of marriage and friendship must be continually cultivated. I recall that on a few occasions when I would visit my hometown having been gone for 25 years, I would see an old friend from school days and began a conversation and realize that we were no longer true blue friends, but merely two people who once knew one another. Strange feeling, but it is a common one. Men, who have fought side by side in a war zone, meet several years later and it dawns on them, the only thing they had in common was the war. Ex-prisoners experience the same feeling.

The only experience more astonishing is for two people who are married for a few decades to have an epiphany of truth concerning their supposed friendship was that was just what it was, a supposed friendship. One man told me in a session, "Larry, it hit me like a brick, I just do not like her." He didn't know if he ever really liked her, he knew he was fascinated by her sexuality, but whether she had a brain or feelings had not entered his mind. This is not as rare as you may think.

Back to our headline on the end of friendship; such ideas about another person being a friend end in disillusionment because the friendship has never been subject to such pressure as is put on it in the crucible of marriage. Along with several other counselors I try to help married couples establish a realistic friendship parallel to their love relationship. Lovers are always trying to impress the loved, true friends have no such pressure, but merely enjoy the openness of the other, in other words, each is free to be real. Friends are free to be autonomous, while lovers meld two into one. Making this distinction work takes a miracle. Too many philanthropists love the downtrodden, but they don't like them. Jesus is able to do both.

Larry Lilly Copyright © 2007 Use with credit.

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