Grief
It’s hard for me to understand why all this pain is inflicted on me. Do I not please you Lord?
Am I not living right? Then why I ask? Why won’t my pain cease? Why does it follow me everywhere I go? I call on you and I can’t even hear you speak? I call on you and my heart is swirling into a funnel of no return. My family is in suffer mode and the switch is broken. Where are you Lord? I know what they say. You’re only a prayer away. Okay I have heard it a million times. So I’m not feeling it.
Today I woke up with the stains of anger in my heart. Today I tried to sweep the dirt from my mind under the carpet. But it doesn’t want to go away. How can I forgive when I want to destroy? How can I be more like you when I’m a million miles from even resembling you? I'm the Christian woman next door.
Do I even dare keep calling myself this when I feel nothing but the remnants of a futile stabbing…arrow straight through my heart? I can’t love, how? How can I love when I dream of killing? How can I love, when I want him to feel nothing but the pain he caused me? He wrecked havoc on my soul. He destroyed my little boy’s spirit.
Now here I am…Christian woman…I have to not only pick my splattered heart up off the floor, but my little boy’s too. I can’t do this God. I just can’t. I have lost all strength. I have no one. The Pharisees who take up the chairs in my church talk to me. They give me wonderful advice. But are they following their own words? I watch the hypocrites and sink further into my own existentialism. All in all we have no on but ourselves.
It’s me God, the Christian woman next door. It’s me God the Christian woman in the back of the church. It’s me who loses her temper and yells at her child. It’s me in all my imperfection. I am fallen. I have fallen and it’s too hard to get up. I have failed. This Christian woman who tries to be an example for you. I can’t. I can’t be all you want me to be. I am trying to lift my head above the shallow waters and I’m drowning Lord.
Where does this Christian woman turn to? Ahhh…Turn to You they say. But I have-and in the midnight hour I cry out in all my stinking grief. I’m tired Lord. Can you hear me Lord? Christian woman speaking here.
It’s me Lord…the Christian woman next door.
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What a heartfelt plea and prayer. I've been there more times then I can count. But God has proved Himself to be faithful. It is through faith and patience we inherit the promises of God,Heb 6:12. In this life we will suffer. We don't want to and it really sucks!!! But we have to remember that Jesus suffered too. He knew no sin but He suffered, bleed and died for our sins. I was physically abused by my father and abandoned by my mother. My first husband almost took my life but through all of this I held on to God's hand. I know that this life is only temporary and I can't let temporary things take from me what is eternal and that is life with Christ. 2Ti 2:12 If we suffer, we shall also reign with him. Thanks for sharing this and keep your faith in God. Allow Him to comfort and heal you. If you hold on He will show up and show out!!! He will do exceedlingly and more abundantly than you could ask or think. Love and Hugs, Patricia
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