Devotionals

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DIG A LITTLE BIT DEEPER
"For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things." ~1 John 3:20

Woe is me. . .LOL This past Sunday was an interesting day to say the least for me. . .actually it started out all well and good. . .I went to church that morning with my husband. . .we listen to a good sermon and came home. .. we ate a good lunch and then we went about our Sunday afternoon. . .My poor husband had got a severe headache while in church so after lunch he laid down and took a nap. . .by the time evening church came around he was not feeling any better. . so he slept (this headache was rough he said it was like nails were been driven through his head bless his heart) So I went on to church. . .I got there for evening Sunday school class (training union). . .the lesson was very interesting and would have been more rewarding if I hadn't of opened my mouth and inserted my foot. . .
Well. . .just as soon as I said what I said I realized that I had really made a nut out of myself. . .oh the shame of it. . .thus began the process. . .
When you open your mouth and insert your foot so far that you start gagging on the sock that is pretty bad Lord help us! and that is what I was doing. . .by the time evening class was over with. . .I found myself so ashamed and in such disbelief in myself that instead of turning to the Lord for forgiveness and apologizing to my church family. .. I left and went home. . .
Yes I fled. . .the scene. . .much like Adam and Eve did when they had ate of the tree of good and evil. . .by the time I made it home I was in total chaos with myself. . .

you see I have a huge problem. .. that problem is not trusting God to take care of things when I mess up, fall short. . .so what do I do? I become my own judge and I serve myself with a sentence of prison time. . .yes if you're thinking about the "pity me pit" you are right. . . and not only do I dive into the pity me pit I also start heeping the "justify me" dirt upon myself. . .that is what it truly is when we go about justifying our wrongs. . .dirt! So last week I wrote "SO LONG SELF" this week unfortunately i opened the door and said "HELLO SELF"

I can just hear it now "ok boys get the shovels out nikki is back to sit in the pit. . ." and there I sit heeping dirt upon myself and allowing the devil to torment me in my mind. . .
You see I could claim that what I said was out of ignorance or what I did was no big deal, but the truth of it is even though I looked forward to going to church Sunday evening I had really taken my focus off of our precious JESUS and I allow the prideful nikki to walk in to church that evening.

This time like many times while I have sit in the pit I started blowing things out of proportion. . .I started thinking about my Christian family and I started thinking about how unworthy I was to even say that I was one of God's children. . .then set in paranioa I went around looking at different people's myspace sites and wondered if anyone of these people really cared for me. . by this time I was in such a mess mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. . .that old rage that once was my life "force" started bubbling back up. . .oh yea. .. so by the time I went to bed I thouroughly "tried" to convince myself I didn't deserve to be loved nor did I want to deal with "Love" any longer. . .you see it is much easier to burn bridges than face up to what you have done. . .

Now I know this probably all seems absolutely crazy. . .but to be honest this is how my brain works when I am not totally focused on JESUS. ..it is a true mess. . .So I went to sleep and I awoke yesterday morning (monday). . .as I got up I always check my phone to see if I have any messages or what have you. . .well one of my family members had text message me earlier and ask me to pray for them that satan was attacking them. .. (there is alot of issues going on in this person's life and to be honest as of today a huge battle has been won in the name of JESUS praise the LORD). . .well as I read the message my heart went out to this individual but it was like there was a brick wall in front of my heart and lips so I did not pray. . .so I headed to my computer room to check my online messages. . .
A dear Christian friend and mentor had left me a email and she quoted a scripture to me that started shedding some LIGHT into my darkened life. . 1 John 3:20

I went on till about lunch time today struggling. . earlier another good Christian friend called me and we talked for a few moments and I related to her about what went on. . .I agree with her and my husband and many others that I should have never left church in the first place. . .that is exactly what the enemy wanted me to do. . .

Even though this morning I awoke still in the "pity me pit" I had stopped throwing the dirt of "justify me" on myself. . .Last night as many of you probably read the letter I wrote about "Justifying me" I had realized that I couldn't really justify myself before God. . .that only through Christ can I or you ever be justified

Well the day wore on. . .I wrote to you last week about "Not by my strength" I told you that I had applied for a job for the first time in five years. . .well low and behold they called me today. . .This Thursday morning I got a meeting with them to do some test. . .so the day progressed and I started turning my focus back to Jesus. . .

Now let me stop here and say this. . . the enemy. . .the devil. . .does not like it when we start refocusing our direction towards JESUS. . .and he has really been riding my back for the last 24 hours. . .

The point I am trying to make here is this. . .first of all none of us has a right to judge our ownselves only through the conviction of the HOLY SPIRIT do we come unto repentance. . thus we ask for forgiveness or we don't either way the consquences are there. . .and if we can't seek forgiveness for ourselves we truly can't find it to forgive others therefore we are really in a mess. . .because JESUS says that if we don't forgive others then the FATHER will not forgive us. . .(Matthew 6:15)the reason why? Is simple. . .true forgiveness takes place when we love. . .without LOVE we cannot forgive. . .for both go together. . .

Lets look at 1 John 2:9 "He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness even until now."
now lets look at 1 John 1:5-7 "This then is the message which we have heard of Him, and declare unto you that God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with HIM, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth: But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of JESUS CHRIST HIS SON cleanseth us from all sins."

This whole experience has taught me something very valuable about walking with the LORD. . .GOD IS THE JUDGE OVER ALL CREATION AND ALL SITUATIONS. . .not you nor I. . .for when we start judging then we, in our fallen human self, are not loving. . .that includes judging ourselves. . .now please don't get this mixed up with discernment. . .to discern something is to discover not judge. . .and don't think that we are not to evaluate ourselves. . we are to evaluate our behaviors and actions but only through the HOLY SPIRIT and not of ourselves. . .we are to cast our cares upon the LORD. . .
This has also humbled me to realize that yes maybe I do know a quiet of few verses of scripture by heart. . and maybe I do know where to use them and so forth but in truth I know nothing unless the HOLY SPIRIT reveals it to me. . and in truth the foolishness of God is wiser than men. . . 1 Corinthians 1:25. . .so once again it is not by my strength or know how but by GOD. . .I made a blunder of myself before my church family when I spoke out of turn. .. it is truly a fleshy stinky thing to do when we open our mouth of our own accord rather than waiting and listening for the HOLY SPIRIT to do so. . .
And also I have learned that one tiny moment of taking our focus off of JESUS can lead to one huge day of destruction.
And that running leads to nothing but dead ends. .. . .facing up to our sin. . .our wrongs through the conviction of the HOLY SPIRIT is much better than spending time in your ownself made prison. . .

So the very bottom line here is this I share this not to make myself look better or to justify my actions or what have you because it is not about me but about JESUS. . .in truth my friends we have to dig deeper into the TRUTH and LOVE of the LORD. . .this has truly taught me the way to HIS righteousness is not through my own accord. . .nor my own self-righteousness. . .for our self righteousness is filthy rags. . .to GOD

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