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Not by my Strength
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NOT BY MY STRENGTH
For the first time in five years I went to apply for a job this past Tuesday. So what is the big deal about that you may wonder?
Five years ago I gave up, literally gave up instead of going to God I went to man. What I found was a life of hopelessness and sedation. I was diagnosed with a mental disorder called bipolar or manic depression. This diagnoses did not come from a proper evaluation and no other medical test was runned to see if any other elements in my body could have been causing my grief, for we all know hormones, thyriods and such can cause mood changes etc. So I was put on some very extensive medication (to be honest there is not a pyschiatric medicine I haven't been on except a few new ones)
I had become defeated. I beleived within myself that I was nothing but a failure, I was worthless, and not loveable. Basically I believed a devil's lie.
During this time to even mention to me about seeking a job would cause me great fear. I felt as though that any attempt I may have tried I couldn't do the work. The mere thought of walking into a place and asking for a job would make me physically sick.
To be truthful since the age of 13 till the age of 25 I have held 11 jobs. . .2 of those jobs just played out there was no more work left, but 9 of those jobs I quit. Even though my supervisors would tell me I was doing a good job or the customers would continue to come back to me, I would literally run from the job. The longest I have ever stayed with a job in all seriousness was about a year.
Was I lazy? No to be honest when I worked I put all my effort into it. So what was my problem? My inability to see that I had worth, that I was indeed somebody, fear ruled me in a HUGE way. I couldn't handle making a mistake. I lived in fear of what my co-workers thought of me. Often times I suffered with boughts of clastrophobia. It got to the point to were I didn't want to leave the house. In truth I lived in a dungeon or sure hell and that is not living. . .
So I gave up and started relying on pills to suffice my need. Guess what happen? These pills (psychiatric medicine) all they did for me was create the "zombie nikki"
I had no ability to truly laugh or cry any more. I was so sedated that I did not have the ability to care. The only emotions that I ever felt during this time was depression and anger. I was numb to the very core of my being. . .
I indeed lived and breathed a devil's lie. . .
But PRAISE the LORD those days are over with. My life now is in JESUS CHRIST and all this is under the blood of Christ
So this past Tuesday I drove to Starkville, MS to apply for a job as a computer tech. For me to get out and go in I couldn't do it but as I sit in the parking lot I prayed LORD it is you that is my strength. I walked in I filled out an online application and the receptionist told me that I would know something in two to three weeks at the most. .
My friend rather I get the job or not is not the point but the point that I am trying to make is NOT BY OUR OWN STRENGTH but by JESUS can we ever really overcome anything. .
Since Jesus came into my heart I have come alive and realize that I do have worth and that worth is in HIM because HE thought I was worth dying for. I now have hope that hope lays within HIM. I now have victory. For HE has overcome and the fact of it is not only did my JESUS overcome but HE also tells us in HIS word that through HIM we are more than conquerors. (romans 8:37)
I now know what it means to be loved and to love because my JESUS is love. And I do accept the fact that from time to time I am going to fall short but the truth remains even so my JESUS is there to pick me up dust me off and carry me through. . .and as for living in fear. . .not any more For my God didn't give me a spirit of fear, but of power, and love, and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)
and as for worrying about what others think of me. . to be honest this does creep up on me from time to time but I cast it out with one thought. . .it is not what you think of me or say about me but in the end it is what my LORD has to say and think about me that counts. . .
YOU SEE NONE OF THIS IS BY MY STRENGTH BUT BY JESUS CHRIST
"I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME" (philippians 4:13)
So my friend if you don't have that peace and resolve in your life it is not to late to seek JESUS out for yourself. . .HE is more than you can ever imagine. . .HE is the true and the real HAPPILY EVER AFTER. . .
Seek HIM with all your heart and you will find HIM. . .
FREEDOM IS IN HIM
LIFE IS IN HIM
LOVE IS HIM
FOR ALL WHO ASK SHALL RECEIVE
ONCE YOU BELIEVE
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Reader Count & Comments
01 Aug 2007
Nikki - You're on a great path - you've found what took me too long - it's not about me - it's about HIM. You're future is very bright - with every trial, every test, every firing you will see less of Nikki and more of Jesus! :)
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