Encouragement

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This will be my attempt to describe a miracle, a for sure turning point in my life. I have to testify, I have to. Yes, I agree that the word "miracle" is thrown around too easy sometimes, and that a miracle is a tuffy to really define. In the dictionary, the #2 definition fits my interpretation: "2. such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of God."

Anxiety is this vicious beast that comes out of no where some days and consumes all parts of my consciousness, debilitating me to the point of a complete nervous breakdown. This is sometimes often, other times less frequent, but once you feed the beast with your thoughts and your own analytical breakdowns the beast grows bigger and stronger and becomes harder to resist and eventually it comes to live with you. I think the beast came to live with me just after Noah was born, the same time as my marriage ended. I have wrestled with it continually ever since.

I have done anxiety meds, they make you feel like you are a sick person and make you feel numb and out of control of life...like you can't go on without them, I think. I have been to counseling...which is a lot like paying someone to try and pretend to give a crap about you, and lots of talking and rehashing, to ultimately be told that you have to think about things differently, and you knew that already. I have really been beginning to feel like there was no answer or help. My life in the last 4 years has been insanely up and down, over and over and over, with big huge lows and moderate highs. I've been really scared sometimes to tell you the truth, wondering how I could possibly go on for even one more year of this, I just don't think I can bear the stress, I might explode!

It's my new job, the most fulfilling and "interest related" job I've ever had, that I love and feel a little under-equipped to do as well as I want to be doing and I want to be that good NOW. I feel like I am definitely in my league, it's just that I'm new at this certain gig, I'm a rookie in this game, and I do not want to screw up! Not to mention the thought of losing my job (which won't happen but I worry about anyway), which would mean all sorts of other bad stuff would follow. It's money, it's my kids, it's this and that, and my Mom, and being tired, and being absent from ones I love...see this is how it goes, one thing leads to another...constantly, it piles up like a big pile of manure and it sits on you and suffocates you and you feel helpless. And when you mix in all your own insecurities it's a real dung heap! And I bet you are exhausted just reading that...but if you have anxiety like me then you know.

I finally got to the point where I was desperate, so I starting talking to God about it. Seriously talking to God about it. When will I learn to start going to Him first?? Lord knows I've been taught to do that my whole life...and I did pray about things that bothered me and my struggles, but never did I actually turn it all over to God. I'm a real dummy sometimes, I think that's called "being human" but it nevertheless reminds me that I can't make it in this life without depending on God. The amazing thing about seeking God is that He is immediately with you.

I gradually began to recall some scriptures that I have hidden in my heart...

"Cast all your care on Him for He cares for you"

"First of all your strength must come from the Lord's mighty power within you"

I began to realize that what I have actually been doing all this time was refusing to trust that God would help me, refusing to truly believe that His hand is at all involved in my life, and with that I eliminated my comfort and joy, and instilled this desperate fear of dropping one of the balls that I continually juggle. I began to feel like God was asking me to turn over the "control" that I thought I was supposed to have to Him. Give him my anxiety, give it all to Him, and He would carry the weight for me. That weight that has slumped my shoulders, caused a big furrowed brow wrinkle in my forehead, has caused me to be a stress/comfort eater and gain weight, has spoiled opportunities, and robbed me of my confidence and stolen my peace. God actually asked me to give that to Him. "His yoke is easy, and His burden is light.", which means that this all consuming thing (anxiety) in my life is nothing to Him, and He has the answers, after all He is the God who created the earth and the universe and all living things, surely He can carry me and all that concerns me. Plus, the fantastic part is that He wants to. It's a matter of trust. And it's all because of His love for me.

So I repented for allowing anxiety to consume me and asked God to show me how to give this to Him, eventually asking God to take it from me because I didn't know how to actually give it to Him. I was just sitting on my couch, praying sincerely, and suddenly this warm wash of comfort and peace flooded me. The peace rose like a high tide around me, the comfort that I haven't known since childhood raised up and lifted the burden of worry off of me, sending the anxiety to float off into oblivion. I could feel it, it was palpable. In that moment I knew, without doubt, that God had just taken my anxiety from me! I was suddenly free, free like I possibly have never known before. In this completeness, out of my mouth I proclaimed, somewhat unconsciously and prophetically, "And now my burdens are lifted!" Just like that. I asked God to do this huge thing for me, and in that moment He did it! He answered my prayer, right then. In the hours that followed I experienced such abundance and I could sense that God was already at work in me, renewing me. Repairing the years of damage that the sin of "worry" has done to my spirit. When we worry it's like saying to God "God, I don't think you are big enough to handle this, so I'm going to worry about it for a while because that will make it better."

So after that, I wrote that phrase down, and posted it on my refrigerator to remind me that I gave my anxiety to God, He has it now. I wrote it down to keep me from forgetting and taking it back. Was this a "miracle"? To me it was. It was something I needed and couldn't do for myself. Was it also me deciding to obey God and repenting, yes. It all goes together. God prepares us for what He's about to do. No doubt God has been bringing me to this for a while now, and I am so grateful. I know I will struggle again at times, but I will quickly remember that the burden of anxiety is not mine anymore, it belongs to my Heavenly Father and I am not going to take it back.

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