Humor

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If backed into a corner I would admit to having a few flaws. Not many flaws, mind you, but a few. Even though I don't have many, the flaws I do have are doozies. My philosophy is, if you're going to have a flaw make sure it's a good one. I have always believed that I should select a few faults and make the most of them. Concentration, not diversification, is my strategy.

One flaw I would own up to is, I'm fashion-challenged. At least, this is what the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage has informed me. And, after all, she should know. I once wandered into her clothes closet and it to look three days to find my way out. I'm sure glad to be out of her closet.

Until recently, I did not understand the extent of my fashion-challenged situation. After all, I rely upon my wife to purchase my wardrobe. That way, I have someone to blame for any fashion faux pas.

As far as I am concerned, a pair of shoes is just a pair of shoes. I don't know who makes them and I really don't care, as long as they fit. I would find no incongruity in wearing two different shoes, a different one for each foot, as long as they fit.

And color? Who cares about color? Not I, said the fashion-challenged husband. Most of the time my socks don't match, but they fit.

It's not that I'm colorblind or anything like that, I just don't care about color coordination. I have no idea what color goes with what color. It doesn't matter to me if my shoes are one color and my trousers are another color and my shirt is still another color. As long as they fit.

With that in mind you can imagine how stunned I was to hear about the judge who was suing his dry cleaner for $54 million because of some mishap with his trousers. For the life of me, I have never seen, nor do I care to see a pair of trousers worth $54 million.

This judge was from the Washington, DC area. Something must be in the water there for so many public officials to act so crazy. Of course, they might not be acting.

Looking through my closet, I examined my trousers. All four of them. All of them together, and you can throw in my shirts as well, do not come near $54 million. However, in a pinch I would let you have them all for a cool $1 million. Cash. No returns.

However, let's say I do have a pair of trousers worth $54 million. Of course my first question is, do you put them on one leg at a time like a $1.99 pair of trousers? Or, do these trousers put themselves on?

I think the judge in the story is putting all of us on. Of course, if he wins his lawsuit he will be putting on the Ritz.

But getting back to these expensive pair of pants. My difficulty is, if I do have such a garment, what shoes go with them? After all, owning such a costly piece of clothing requires a person to be careful about selecting the accessories like shoes that go with it.

Looking through my closet, I can assure you neither pair of shoes I possess would go with such a pair of pants. I'm proud to say I have two pairs of shoes: one for Sunday and one for the rest of the week. (I did have a pair of sneakers but they snuck away.) I set aside one pair for Sunday so I don't have to go through the ritual of polishing and shining my shoes on Saturday night. This gives me extra time to relax on Saturday evening without all of the worry about how my shoes will look in the morning.

The danger in not having the right shoes is that when you go somewhere people will admire your pants, then look down, see the shoes don't match and give you "that look."

At least I get "that look" often from my wife. I don't know what it means, but it cannot be good.

If I could find a pair of shoes that would go with a $54 million pair of pants, I have another problem. At what event do you wear these clothing? Certainly not a backyard barbecue.

It's not that I'm a klutz or anything, but whenever I go out to a restaurant I invariably spill something on the most expensive piece of clothing I'm wearing. Especially, if I buy a brand-new tie, which is a special occasion, I will always spill something on it that will not come out. I have enough gravy on the ties in my closet to supply a Thanksgiving dinner.

But pants are different. If you spill something on them people look at you differently than if you spilled something on your tie. People expect you to spill something on your tie; people do not expect you to spill something on your pants.

Dealing with stains not just a physical problem. It's also spiritual.

"Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." (Isaiah 1:18 KJV)

I can safely trust all my stains to the Lord.

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