Holidays

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Un-Father's Day
~ For Gary ~

Dethroned, I sit amid my splintered life
Convulsed in misery - repulsed at strife
That tears, distorts and damages my goods,
My blood, my name, as nothing ever should.
I, who had promised always to remain -
To cover with my life - to ease the pain
The world might bring - to be the priest
And savior of my brood...and ask the least;
Found now in agony...no tiny voice, no more
The welcome sweetness of my purest son
To greet me as he's always done.
These fragments never more shall know
The unity - the oneness of my soul -
And Hell appears inviting when I see
The agonizing silence waiting me.

..I never knew each cell could suffer so...
I never dreamed that like a vapor go
The lives I cared for - cherished - loved
And dedicated to the Lord above.
A thousand devil-demons taunt me now
And jeer because I don't know how
To live again...or even just begin...
I feel so vile within.
Un-Father's Day....I've heard before
Of men like me who've suffered more -
I never understood 'til now
The lethal agony of broken vows.
...God...if You're there...
I pray You'll answer every prayer
Of men like me - we're so alone and we
Feel prayers are garbled messages...
Of futility.....

Joan Clifton Costner
copyright
http://underhiswings0.tripod.com

My friends,
This was written for my son who loved his children and wishing not to tear them apart, gave up his rights with many promises that they would be visiting. He became disabled due to a wrongful surgery shortly after, and now the time is here when he thought they would want to see and hear his side as they were so bonded with him. But, they don't. All the tears and agony will never be known by them. All the memories he had desired to make with them will never be.
He lays in bed (for 12 years now), in a silent house, retreating more and more. Call his name in prayer, or say the name of some other father you know who did not want a divorce and truly loved his children.

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