Humor

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When I first heard the word oxymoron, I thought it was French for “dumb ox.” I later discovered it was not French but in many regards, the definition still stands.

I once asked my grandfather what an oxymoron was and he gave me a definition I will never forget. When I asked him, he took off his hat, mopped his brow, thought for a moment and then said, “An oxymoron is like a guinea pig. A guinea pig is neither guinea nor pig.”

That definition has served me quite well through the years.

Over the years, I have discovered many oxymorons. I must confess I have found more morons than oxies, although most morons are as stubborn as an ox.

Life is full of oxymorons and you will find them in every category of life. Some categories or more fertile than others, but no category is exempt from this strange and wonderful phenomenon.

Of course, for years I carried a secret hope there was one exception to this. The one exception was preachers. I’m not sure if it was because I am a preacher, or if I just have a high regard for preachers.

Recently, a certain television network produced a program exposing this category among Christian preachers. The essence of the program was to focus on millionaire preachers. I have heard of these creatures but like Bigfoot, I assumed it was only the figment of someone’s twisted imagination.

The reason this seems a little incongruent is that the very nature of a preacher is to help others, but these millionaire-preachers are helping themselves to a lifestyle of the rich and famous.

However, as I looked into this I began to see there is more to this than first meets the eyes. There is a White Elephant in the church that up until now has been completely ignored.

The average person does not realize a serious addiction is becoming rampant n particularly among preachers and particularly those preachers on television. The technical word for this addiction is preacher-money-syndrome, or as commonly known among experts as PMS.

At this date there seems to be no satisfactory cure for this devastating addiction. Perhaps with adequate research money, there may come a time when some theologian will come up with a cure for this devastating addiction.

One of the reasons this is so devastating is the many enablers help these preachers continue to feed their addiction. Month after month the faithful send huge sums of money to these preachers.

Perhaps it is not so much the enabler’s fault as it is the cleverness of the preachers to hide their PMS from their followers. One thing about an addict is how cleverly he can hide the addiction. I am sure if the followers would understand how terribly sick these preachers were they en mass would stand together and help them with their malady.

What needs to happen is some sort of intervention. I have such an intervention in mind.

One by one these millionaire-preachers need to be kidnapped and a whisked away from their life of luxury and celebrity status. I’m sure the first 24 hours would be such a shock to their system that medication may become necessary n I suggest tap water.

Each one will be housed in a very modest home much like the average person lives in. I’m sure at first these surroundings will be strange and frightening to those who are used to living like kings and queens, but the shock is necessary to the long-term treatment.

Also in these homes, there will be no mirrors for them to admire themselves. The closets will be furnished with clothing bought at Wal-Mart. It may take quite a time explaining to them the concept of discount shopping. In fact, halfway through their rehabilitation it might be good to take them on a field trip to Wal-Mart and give them $20 to go shopping.

Another important aspect of the rehabilitation will be establishing a weekly budget similar to the one the average person must live on. Out of this modest budget, the needs of the week can be purchased.

At this point, they will be given the choice of one exotic meal like the ones they are used to or sensible meals for the entire month. I’m quite certain after the first month they will become so hungry they will be willing to eat macaroni and cheese. Who knows, they may come to like it. Miracles do happen, you know.

After months of intensive rehabilitation and counseling, they come to the final stage before being released into the public. A financial adviser will be appointed and his job will be to sit down with these millionaire-preachers and dispose of their vast fortunes.

Properties will be sold, investments will be closed out and all of this money will be disbursed to helping people n the poor and neglected. To fund hospitals in needy areas where people do not have health care.

To build churches in areas that are so poor they cannot do it themselves. To feed the hungry and cloth the needy.

In other words, to make sure this money gets to the places it was supposed to go when the people gave it to them in the first place.

Then, make them memorize, “But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” (Matthew 6:20-21 KJV.) .

Money in the hands of a greedy person is simply a curse.

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