Grief

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You know I have never lost someone who I loved. It is the weirdest feeling to look at the picture of that person and think of the times that you spent with them and realize that there are not going to be more. There is a void of understanding in the beginning of feelings because you’re not really sure what to feel. Is it real? Are they really gone? Am I in a dream that I will soon wake up from? You ask the questions, but you already know the answer to them. How do I mourn? How do I say good-bye? How do I tell them that I love them and miss them? How do I say to them that I am so sorry for taking them for granted while they were still here on this earth?

Can one comprehend the true loneliness of loss as one man did on the cross? I have suffered a great loss, however, I still have loved ones to look after, to care for me. I have not lost all nor been abandoned by all. Time seems to fly by so quickly till someone you love dies, then time seems to just stand still for moments at a time to give you small glimpses of what you now are missing in your life. I dare say that time stops for what seems to be hours as you think on that person with hopes that once time has regained it’s speed, that person will be there once again. Once that loved one is gone, things that seemed to matter so much to you, now become the very things that you would gladly and quickly give up to have that person back. Now those “oh, so important” things are now not so important to you anymore.

I sometimes stare at my moms picture in hopes of not forgetting her. In hopes of remembering her voice in my mind. In hopes of never letting the part of me that loves her to never forget her. They say that you always have memories and that you never forget, but if there is a chance of even fading away slowly, I want to do all I can to not let that happen. Your heart feels differently when you lose someone you love. Not the same joy abides or the jokes that once was funny. Your heart tends to stare into the darkness hoping that the light at the end is a candle held by that person.

You know dying is only a part of life and it must happen, because one day it will happen to all of us, but in your heart and mind you wish you could know why it happened to this person now. You don’t blame God for it or become angry with Him for taking them, you knew it was going to happen sooner or later, but you only wish to know why now. Answers are searched out, but none can be found. You realize that you do not pity or feel sorry for those who have lost someone before you, but feel compassion for those who about to lose someone they love, not knowing the pain and hurt and void to come. I am sad that my mom is not with me, I am sad that I am not with her, however, I know one day it will not be so. The only painful part is getting to that point of return. Where I return home and to my mom.

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