Grief

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Journey to Spiritual Healing - My first installment


I really intended writing about the sudden death of my beloved wife in September of 2005. This story, I hope, will explain the incredible journey to recovery from grief I have had to travel. Jan and I were married for 36 years, we had known each other for nearly 40 years. We had a terrific marriage, family, home and all the related factors I guess people aspire to in life. I look at it as her being sent to me as " my angel" here on Earth. She wasn't perfect, but, she was perfect for me as my wife. I have always believed that God puts all of us together for a reason.

My family and I were on vacation in North Carolina, one of her favorite places to go in this world. She was so excited about the vacation with our son, daughter-in-law and the two grandsons. We rented a little place for a few days and looked so forward to some relaxation at the National Seashore. We arrived there on a Saturday evening, went over to eat, went down to the beach for a few minutes and headed back to the house. She complained of heartburn. I told her we'd get her something for it when we got back to the house. We got back to our house, went up to the little deck on the outside just to look at the beautiful night sky with all the stars. I straddled the seat on the picnic table, she sat down in front of me and put my arms around her. She said," well, at least we got here safely" as she looked up at the stars. I put my arms around her and kissed her. Little did I know that would be the last kiss she and I would share on that fateful night.

My son suggested that she and my daughter-in-law try the hot tub on the deck on the other side of the living room from us. She agreed to do that. She went in, got her bating suit on and came out. They both went through the door and in a moment or two, my daughter-in-law came running back in, white as a sheet and said,"mom just collapsed on the floor out here." I thought, Oh My God, what can that be? I grabbed her ankles, my son got her shoulders and we brought her back in to the living room and laid her on the couch.
She was unconscious, she looked placid. I was really scared, I mean really scared. We called 911 and almost immediately a police officer arrived at the house, followed nearly a few seconds later by Dare County Rescue. They worked feverishly trying to get her stabilized, trying to get a heart beat and pulse. They could not do so. They hit her so many times with a defibrillator, I backed up and I stood there in total disbelief and thinking it was so surreal. This can't be happening to her. It was though.

They couldn't revive her or stabilize her at the house, it was decided to transport her to Hatteras Medical Center, that was 12 miles away. My son and I followed in the car and all I could think of, this can't be happening, what will I ever do without Jan? How will I live, how can I ever carry on without her? She has been my life, my love for nearly 40 years. I was so scared and yet, really upset with God for allowing this to be happening. She is 54 years old, I thought, she has her whole life ahead of her yet, all the mountains we would climb, all the victories we would yet achieve. It was not to be, that fateful night would completely "dumped" my entire life upside down.

The Doctor came out after they had worked furiously on her to revive her, he said, " I am afraid I have the very worst news," "She is gone." I and my son went into the Chapel or conference room and sat there staring blindly at the walls or ceiling or something and neither of us could speak for the longest time. I cannot even relate to you what my thoughts were. I cannot even asess the devistation I was feeling at that moment, know that in a few short days, I would be completely and utterly on my own, the first time in nearly 40 years having to live life again without my beloved Jan. She was my guide, my " lucky penny," my core and reason for living.

I had a beautiful funeral for her, there were so many people in attendance, it all went wonderfully. I gave her the funeral I thought she'd be pleased with, down to every detail. My son, Greg was invaluable to me, so was my daughter-in-law as well through all of this.

I have experienced firsthand, the emptiness, the pain, incredible doubts and vulnerability that goes along with such a tragic loss.

I feel many days as though the Enemy has completely brought me down to nearly nothing. God is working to re-build me through faith, through tremendous support from family and friends and so many sessions of deep and fervent prayer. He will bring out the champion in me as long as I live in His Word, in His Divine Plan. Following my way back to Him through Jesus is the only possible way for me to try to get back to the " flow of life." I have been supported by a grief support group and so many wonderful people that have taken on some of my pain and agony in this horrible loss. I have stated so many times to so many people, " this is way bigger than I am." This is nothing that I can rise up out of on my own.

I have lived since her death with my good days and my horrible days. I have days that I feel rebuilding and progress is being made, there are others that are horrible and I don't even want to get out of bed. I do though, each day, every day. I refuse to let myself get down that path to incredible self pity. Once one gets down that hole, it is nearly impossible to recover and get out of it again. Some days the trials and set backs seem overwhelming to me. Shortly after Jan's death, I lost my job, the company I worked for went out of business, then, to top it off, my son took a Youth Pastor's job in Arizona. That would be 2,035 miles from my front door. I thought, the more I try to recover, the more I get slapped down, why is this happening to me? I guess the temptation for self pity is such an incredible force to pull one down, I have a hard time not succumbing to it.

It has now been nearly 2 years since the death of my beloved wife, I am ever so slowly trying to recover. Many days, there is simply no other way to rise above this but to slug it out with the Enemy. No other way to rise above the hurt, loneliness, the feeling of despair. I keep trying to nurture my faith, my hope in God through Jesus, my Lord and Savior. The only way to survive something like this is to have hope and the only way to have that hope is through Jesus Christ, and through God and the Holy Spirit. I have started reading the Bible, I take a lot of comfort in the Book of Psalms, I really look forward to my time to read Scripture, it takes me to another World, a World of peace, joy and recovery, if only for awhile. I am trying to do what I think Jan would want me to do, to keep getting back up when I am knocked down, to trust completely in God's providence in this whole process, and to know that all of this will work out. I am trying with all my heart and soul to "live life to the fullest," to quote my lovely wife, in fact, those words are inscribed on Jan's head stone. She did, live life to the fullest, I always admired that in her. I feel her around me always saying, " you can cave in to this, I know it's hard, you can't cave in though." "If God takes you to it, He'll take you through it." that is a trite expression, but, she adhered to that credo throughout her life, she truly did. On the whole, I guess things could be a bunch worse for me, but, some days, I am so angry, so lonely, so hurt and so miserable, I have a very difficult time trying to wake up with a smile on my face and just be thankful to God for a new day, for my health and for my family's love and support. That all means everything to me, it should to anyone.

During this long, arduous journey, I have faltered, I have been angry, filled with self pity, and wanted to lash out at anyone I could get my hands on to assuage my anger and loss and hurt, but, I can't do that. So, I turn to God, when it just gets overwhelming to me, I try to take a break, step back, and re-group and then try again. I have one or two more hills to negotiate before I even remotely get back into the "flow of life." I think in all love and respect to Jan, she would want me to get on with my life, I know if it were the other way around, I would want her to get on with her life too.

I have tried to lay the foundation of my story for you, the reader, so that if you are faced with a very tough and difficult situation, well, I hope that you will find out that none of us can take on situations like this, terminal illness or other serious set backs in our lives without a very strong and abiding faith, the support of your family or friends and your willingness to accept the circumstances you are faced with and then, decide to allow God to bring you up out of those circumstances. He will, He always does for those who trust in Him completely. I have read that when we feel like god is so distant from us in our misery and grief, that, is when He is working the hardest to restore you to some sort of normalcy. He will do that if you allow Him to work in your life, I can now attest to that fact. I know He does. I guess my point here too, trust in Him, He will never turn His back on you, He never has, He never will.

You must allow Him to work in your life though, He will not force you to accept Him or His help. My advice, let Him in my friend, let Him in. He is the only answer to insurmountable events that come to your life. The major component in this process is to "allow" God to work in your life. He will if you allow Him to do that.

Finally, I make this plea to you, if you are suffering, if you are hurt, no matter how serious, no matter how hopeless your situation seems, you need to take Jesus by the hand. He will guide you to healing, He will guide you to calm, He will take you to levels you never dreamed possible. I am convinced that God wants to see how we as His children handle negative events in our lives in order to take us to that new level and to pour out His never-ending blessings on you and me. All He asks is that we believe in Him, be loyal to Him and come to Him through Jesus, Jesus sent to us here to die for us, is the whole reason we exist. It is God's amazing Covenant with mankind. Listen to Him, allow Him to work in your life and all, I mean all things will work out for you. May God bless you so richly and in ways you have never imagined He would. Share theses blessings and goodness with your brothers and sisters who are so in need of His blessings as too. That is really the secret of a hppy and fulfilled life of faith. Try it, I am convinced you'll believe that too. Be richly blessed.


Author:
Al Hintz
Ohio

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