Encouragement

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Dear God,

Forgive me. Forgive me my shortcomings, my sins, my life lived. I've made so many mistakes I can't live with my conscience. I'm only fifty but all my sins seem as though they happened just yesterday. How can everything seem so recent? Why can't I go back and erase them? How can you love me? I'm guessing I'm praying to dead air because I'm too far gone for you to even be paying attention too. Your arms can't be long enough to reach down where I am and pull me out of the mire of self hate. Why would you care about my feelings of recriminations? You've heard them so many times it's like water rolling off a duck's back. I know you're thinking, "Oh, it's her again, why can't she leave me alone?" I've broken every one of the ten commandments. Either by act of omission, commission or mental planning. Dwelling on sinful thoughts is just as bad as performing them. Boy, you must really detest my thoughts at night when I'm rehashing the day! You'd probably rather listen to ten thousand incarcerated prisoners than hear my schemes for revenge, grumblings, envyings, and discontent. I’ve even committed most of the other "thou shalt not's" scattered through out the first five books of your hand manual for mankind. Except maybe...Is having your dogs sleep in bed with you the same as lying with a beast? They do lick my ear in the morning, that's sexual isn't it? Okay, now I know I've committed every sin ever recorded!! I'm so far gone I can't even see the slightest glimmer of glory.

I know Jesus died for me but I doubt his blood was thick enough to cover my sins. It has to have trickled off and dried up by now. It couldn't last forever, could it? Fifty years old. More than half my life is over. I'm on my road to eternity. How can I make up for all my shortcomings in such a short time. Why is it wisdom comes with age but by then it's too late? I'm attempting to hide my past and assisting Jesus’ blood offering with good works by helping the helpless, giving to charities, caring for my dad to make up for being such a rebellious teenager, keeping my mouth shut around my adult kids, not giving them the piece of mind they need to get going, letting them make their own mistakes.

Why do I feel I'm worse off than David, a man after God's own heart? He murdered ,(literally murdered, not just in his heart like me, I should be given some leniency on that!) committed adultery, had poor parenting skills, slept with virgins in his old age to keep warm. had several wives, less than Solomon though, who was given superior wisdom (he probably got his advice from his wives!). Yet David was a man after God's own heart. Does God discriminate, does he just give favor to men?

Oh, Lord, help me to receive your favor and love again. Remind me to be grateful of your chastising, after all that's you telling me I'm still your child. Be with me in my hours of doubt and self pity, you faced the same the night of your crucification as you prayed in the garden. Don't give up on me. Help me to believe I'm important. It's my mortal mind that keeps me from you. The whisperings of Satan who wants to suck the life out of me, but won't win in the end. My mind fights with my spirit, a gift from you, the seal of my inheritance, proof that I'm yours, for now and eternity. Flesh against spirit. Good against evil. Mercy against revenge. Grace against hell.

Psalm 103:12
Isaiah 59:1
1 King 1:1-4
2 Sam 11
Eph 1:13-14
Eph 2:8-9
Heb 12:5-11
1 Pet 1:3-5

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