Grief

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It was a day like any other day except this particular day my wife began to forget a few things. I was so busy pastoring a church struggling with problems that I hardly noticed. I was of the belief that anything could be straightenend out with prayer and fasting. Little did I know that this was not to be the case. My wife was only 50 years old when our dark "valley of the shadow of death" began.

I soon resigned the pastorate to start to take care of my wife who needed help with everything. I didn't realize how much worse things could get.

Our first dissoulusionment was with the medical profession. It seemed that there was a routine amount of tests for memory problems and of course a lable for the problem. It seemed that no two doctors could agree on what exactly was going on and in the medical field any research on their part is not an option. It is easier to give standard tests, give a diagnosis, and prescribe some pills. Also, going from one specialist to another did nothing but drain an already limited amount of funds.

Our next surprise was family and friends who had their opinions and remedies and there were even some who blamed me for my wife's medical problems. We found that most of our friends and family had the same opinions and sermons as Job's friends, but no one lifted a finger to help.

We began to find that people began to treat us like lepers. At first, I was angry that people could be so cruel, but came to realize that there is a predisposition among people toward the handicap, that shuns and rejects what they do not understand . There is a blame attached to handicapped people, and their family, as if they have done something wrong and deserve what has come their way.

A deep discouragement and disillusionment began to settle deep in my soul, like a thick fog settling over a path to obscure and hide it. I began to question everything and I felt compelled to say to people who came around, "I did't do anything to bring this on us", "I have confessed every sin I know of", but of couse nothing helped. I watched the movie, The Notebook and even though it was a good movie, but had the hollywood fantasy throughout. It seems that the characters in most hollywood movies are not in touch with reality. The characters in these movies have a nice home, money and support from family and friends. I know that this is not a universal truth and there is rarely a "happily ever after".

Living on my wife's Social Security of $900.00 a month was a shock. I did sell off a few things we owned but that didn't bring in much. The reality of our situation began to bring in much fear, confusion,dismay, shock and a roller coaster load of emotions as I watched my beautiful wife deteriorate. By God's grace my faith was intact, but my outward life looked like an old wooden ship that had been through a fierce storm. Mast's broken, sails tattered and torn with the ship listing from taking on too much water. The book of Job began taking on new meaning with new insights. Job's world was being destroyed and there was nothing he could do. He just wanted an audience with His Creator so he could plead his cause and find vindication and answers to his disasterous trials.

At this writing, I am still taking care of my wife,( now for 5 years) and not a whole lot has changed except a deep work in my heart and life. My wife is dilusional, cannot express herself in conversation and cannot remember any situation or most people after a few minutes of the event. She does retain her dignity, her beautiful spirit, her gentle nature and her love for her God and Saviour. She is always praying for something or someone. She loves praise music and desires the day when she can go and be with the Lord.

Through this long continuing trial, I have learned a few basic truths. When nothing makes sense, a trust in God is the only wise refuge. God's ways are mysterious and cannot be figured out. God does what He does for reasons we may never know. God does not punish His children as Jesus took the punishment we all deserve on the cross. He does chasten us, but chastening means, "training" not punishment. God is not out to destroy us but rather He is conforming us to the image of His Son. God's timing will never be according to our desired timing. He knew that Moses needed 40 years in the wilderness not 5. He loves us no matter what we are going through. Worry will never do anything but steal our peace and joy. We cannot change the trial but we can have confidence in our awesome Creator who does all things well. Thankfulness is one of the hardest things to do in the midst of a storm, but one cannot get through trials without it. Finally, we can let go of everything that holds us back from becoming loving people who know their faithful God.

My fiery trial continues, but I am endeavoring to live life one day at a time. My prayer is that this trial will end soon, but through His strength, I am being empowered to wait His time.

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