Grief

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People in my family seem to be choosing sides to take on any number of issues these days. There are some issues that don't have clear sides--you can only lose, or, if you're lucky, win.

The pending adoption of three beloved children is nothing more than a lose-lose situation for all of us. Yet, it is a total win-win for the children. They are still young enough to where they may forget all of us. How do we forget them? How do I forget babies that spent many days playing in my living room, and the oldest of the three, who lived with me for many months? His beautiful smile was usually the first thing I saw when I arose each morning. Where do I put all that love? What do I do with all this sorrow?

And what about their mother? Last night, I received a tear-filled and desperate phone call from her. She is grasping at straws, angry at the world, furious with herself for letting it get to this point. She is talking about killing herself. She says she loves the babies desperately, yet I am left to ponder--if she loves them that much, how did we get here? She is my niece. I love her, no matter what. I have known her forever too. Though she is a master manipulator, a sly and sneaky little plotter, do I turn my face from her and pretend I didn't hear what she said? Pretend she's just playing another of her games?

The entire time I spent on the phone with her, I was praying desperately for words to say. Does she deserve my sympathy? No. And yes. I wanted to say the right things to her, to let her know that in spite of all she still does have family who love her, who don't want to see harm come to her. I didn't want to take the 'I told you so' trail. Yet, I wanted her to know that only she could have prevented this entire mess. This wasn't easy, but I have no desire to be a party to her wiliness any longer. Now, she is trying to get the children adopted within the family, who will, according to her, just sign the kids back over to her after she's 'proven' herself. I see it as another game. I would adopt every one of them, especially the oldest, in a heartbeat, if my niece wasn't inherently part of the package. If they are within the family circle, she in a sense, retains control. She isn't presently in control of anything.

I have no doubt that her heart is breaking. I do have to wonder about some of the whys. Is it because she now knows her role playing didn't work, and isn't likely to work for her ever again? I know she loves her boys, but how does she love them? In true love, or as a means to an end? A few possessions stolen right out of her life?

Pray for good, loving, Christian homes for my babies. Pray that someday, when they are grown, I will get to see them again. Pray that some small part of them might remember some of us, who nearly lost everything in our efforts to protect them and keep them safe. I hope they remember the love we felt for them, if nothing else. They were loved.

They are loved.

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