Humor
Dieting
Well I've gone on a diet and actually lost down to 160 from 210.(At least
that's where I think I started, I never got on the scales at the doctor's
office no matter how much the tech pouted that it was her job to weigh me, "you
don't need my weight for a pap smear." When I was going for my gastric reflex the doctor's advice among other things was to lose weight. A heavy girth
pushed on the stomach contents and made things worse. The doctor would
snip, "Of course, I can't tell you how much to lose because I see you refused
to get weighed." "I'm sorry, I thought you went to medical school, can't you
visually assess that I'm fat. I can't hide it so if you can't see it maybe I
need a new doctor." "What do you see as patient accountability in this
process?" he would ask. "I'm accountable enough to fill the prescriptions I
come here for. I think that's enough!" For some reason he dismissed me as a
patient.
I was hoping no one would discover I was dieting because the pressure of
continuing to eat right is tremendous. You start shedding pounds and everyone
gets involved. When I observed no one did notice I started shouting,"What's
wrong with you guys, can't you see I've lost weight!" (so I don't know what I want, is that a surprise?") Now everyone is calling me skinny. Give me a
break. I'm still 20 pounds overweight. They have me feeling so good I might
just stay here for a while. I fit back into my "newest" old clothes, the ones I
bought when I said I wouldn't buy anymore clothes till I lost some weight. Now I have bargaining power on both sides of the fence. Of course I'm a little
jiggly from the lost mass that cushioned my skin from my muscles (I used to
wiggle when I walked, now its jiggle, wiggle, jiggle, wiggle) so to rectify
that I wear my pants a little tighter to firm up some so I can't go out
anywhere that requires sitting.(Don't ask how I sit behind the steering wheel,
ut think "indecent exposure".
I'm often asked how I lost weight.(Losing weight is another topic
altogether, loosing implies you want to find something, I sure don't plan on
advertising in the lost and found section of the paper for it.) I have to
answer the question with another question, "How do you think I gained
weight?" "By over eating and not exercising." "Okay, duh, then maybe I lost
weight by reversing that process!" Why do people always assume you've
discovered some magic formula? You mention dieting and exercise and the subject
changes to the weather. I am not going to read a book to slim down. I got fat reading, reading menus, cookbooks, eating for two coupons, etc. etc.
When I sit down to lunch I drink my slim fast and drool over the chewable food
of my dinner partners. They in turn offer me some from their plates. Hey,
thanks for the help. These nursing professionals obviously have no concept of
the purpose of slim fast. "Is that all you're having for lunch, here try some
of this." Get behind me Satan, (no really, push your pitch fork in my back and
make me eat!!!) I want to honestly yell, "the devil made me do it!!!" No.
No, I’ve come this far. Let's see where I'll end up. Maybe I'll get so thin
people will ask, “May I have your autograph Miss Robert's, I'm a big fan of
yours." (I know losing weight will also make me look twenty years younger and
taller, so shut up!) If we lived in the 60's the stress would be over, Marilyn
Monroe was no bean pole. I'm not overweight, I'm just out dated, maybe my size
will come back into vogue. Then there is always someone at the lunch table at
work that steps in when they see me reach for the last cookie. "You don't need
that." Where were they when I was getting fat. It didn't bother them that I ate
it then, now when I have withdrawals they open their mouths,(to put the food
that I don't need in their pie holes! if I don't need it, why do they). For
dieter’s withdrawals means withdrawing food from someone else's plate when they
step away from the table for a second, being careful to not chew in front of
them, remember slim fast is liquid, what would I be chewing? If I could pick
pockets as good as I pick plates I could retire.
Shopping is a task. I go with blind folders on past the candy, chip, bread, and
soda sections. (I get badly bruised hitting other carts in the process, whose
owners are on cell phones and not paying attention to where "I'm" going). After
grocery shopping I look like I was the looser at a karate tournament. Have you
noticed how many labels say sugar free but omit the fat content? My daughter in
law offered me sugar free peanut butter cups. Great, 170 calories from fat, but
no sugar. And the foods I over eat are now in 100 calorie bags. That’s
preposterous. Now I have to eat five bags at a time to get a single serving, not
cost effective.
I get discouraged when I see I've only lost 50 pounds in eight months. I acquired it faster than that. Then I start the calculations. Fifty divided by eight is about 6.25. That means only six lousy pounds a month. That disheartens me. I'll never get the rest off in time to wear my thongs this season (bathing suit, not foot wear). Then I proceed to multiply six pounds times twelve months and get seventy-two. (I know that's right, I'm using a calculator.) Okay, if I were to gain seventy two pounds a year I'd have go up from 135 (my lowest known weight) to 351 in three years. So I say, "Self, (I'm the only one that listens to me) maybe losing six pounds a month is pretty darn good". I'm so glad my parents sent me to that red building with all the books to learn reeding,
riting, an rithmetic. And I thought they did it just to get me out of the house
and away from the kitchen.
I know it's a fad to wear loose clothes, especially pants but I don't get it.
Mine are getting real loose and I need both hands to break the fall if I trip
over them. How can these kids go around holding up their pants with one hand
and cell phoning with the other? At least it cuts down on crime, they can't
tear themselves away from that important phone call so if they reach for a gun
with the other hand their pants fall, and we all know how hard it is to run
with your pants wrapped around your ankles. (I know this because the phone
always rings when I'm in the bathroom!)
I'm so glad I didn't thin my closet out too much. It's a real delight to fit back into something I wore two years ago. Loose fitting tops are okay, they won't fall off but bottoms are another story altogether. Most of my pants are drawstring, (I anticipated the weight to go more up than down,) so I just draw the string tighter , now I look like one of those balloons, tight in the midsection and puffed up everywhere else. The crotch hangs down to my knees but at least I don't need two hands to hold them up. The trouble here is with room to grow it makes me want to refill. I won't buy more bottoms till I stabilize!!
Exercising is a challenge. I get on the treadmill and my new puppy wants my
attention. She stepped up behind me and got the surprise of her little life.
She only did that once however. As I trot along she snips at my shoelaces. (I
have to stop every five minutes and retie them, combining cardiovascular with
stretching.) When I lie down to do sit ups this little face melds with mine so
you can't tell us apart. Her little body straddles my neck and her tail goes
ninety to nothing. Imagine doing sit-ups with nine pounds on your trachea and a
wet tongue washing your face and a tail dusting your legs (that part feels
kind ‘a good, if I could just get her to do that to my back.) She is so helpful
when I get dressed. She attaches herself to my pant legs and I do leg lifts
with the extra nine pounds. Ten on each leg. Unfortunately my pant leg hems
look a little frayed now. Mopping is great exercise. Place mop on floor,
swirl, attract dog, swirl with nine pound mop head making big circles till dog
swaggers away. Or play dodge mop. See how much you can clean before dog teeth
clamp on to mop head. I never score high on this game and I've lowered myself
to dog level slipping on the wet floor getting more tongue in my face that I
need. I believe dogs invented French kissing.
Now that I've spent a life time with weight problems going up and down the
scales I pray that life over the rainbow won't be so complicated. I hope that Sanders guy has learned to bake chicken instead of deep frying and Mrs. Baird and Mrs. Smith have eliminated pastries from their shops. And I hope Betty Crocker brought her heart healthy recipes with her. Please, I don't want to see a Pizza Mansion on every corner, (there will be no huts in heaven). I also hope my cup that over flows isn't filled with slim fast. If flying is another exercise gimmick I'll be the first in line at the motorized cloud store. I guess we'll just have to weight (wait) and see. Now that I think of it, those loose robes might be concealing more than our spirits, but who cares, without gravity maybe we'll all weigh the same, we are supposed to be equal up there.
PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE
Reader Count & Comments
Date
The opinions expressed by authors do not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com. This is especially true with articles that
deal with personal healthcare and prophecy. We encourage the reader to make their own decision in consultation with God, His Word, and others as needed.
This article has been read 986 times < Previous | Next >
Read more articles by collette mcfarland or search for other articles by topic below.
This article has been read 986 times < Previous | Next >
Search for articles on: (e.g. creation; holiness etc.)
Read more by clicking on a link:Free Reprints
Main Site Articles
Most Read Articles
Highly Acclaimed Challenge Articles.
New Release Christian Books for Free for a Simple Review.
NEW - Surprise Me With an Article - Click here for a random URL
God is Not Against You - He Came on an All Out Rescue Mission to Save You
...in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them... 2 Cor 5:19
Therefore, my friends, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Acts 13:38
LEARN & TRUST JESUS HERE
FaithWriters offers Christian reading material for Christian readers. We offer Christian articles, Christian fiction, Christian non-fiction, Christian Bible studies, Christian poems, Christian articles for sale, free use Christian articles, Christian living articles, New Covenant Christian Bible Studies, Christian magazine articles and new Christian articles. We write for Jesus about God, the Bible, salvation, prayer and the word of God.