Humor

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The following article was first published on Suite101.com.

While not quite as inspired as the ones written and collected by King Solomon, these additions to the book of Proverbs may inspire you. Then again, they may not.

PROVERBS - CHAPTER 32

1. The proverbs of Bob, the son of Honore, king of the TV remote control; a collection of the words of the wise and not-so-wise, and their dark, yet slightly faded sayings. 2. My son, hear the teachings of thy father, and forsake not the cooking and baking of thy mother: For they shall be an expansion unto thy mind and thy waist.

3. Do not be wise in your own eyes, or in your own ears, or in any part of your head, but gain understanding and wisdom and a good vocabulary, along with good math skills and the ability to drive a car. 4. Also, acquire proficiency in popular computer software programs and in filling out job applications. Then you will be able to survive in this world. 5. Or … you could marry a girl with a rich daddy who can give you a job at the large company he owns.

6. Do not show partiality to the rich, unless you get a job as a waiter and would like a big tip.

7. The man who walks with his head up high, though happy, may step in doggie-do-do, but the man who walks with his head down may find money on the ground.

8. Never tell an easily offended person that they are easily offended, because they will be offended.

9. The man who restrains his lips is wise and will prolong his days, especially if he does so when involved in a disagreement with his wife.

10. Whoever bears false witness against his fellowman while boasting of his own accomplishments is probably running for political office.

11. The heart of the wise is discerning, but the heart of the glutton will probably need a triple by-pass.

12. The one who gives to the poor loves the Lord, but the one who gives to the rich has probably been swindled by a TV evangelist.

13. Six things are strange, seven are totally absurd:

Churches that give more to the new building fund than to the poor

Couples that have been divorced and remarried several times who give marriage seminars

Fat preachers who preach on self-control

Music ministers who give performances and say they are leading worship

Hypocrites who say they avoid church because of the hypocrites

An interpretation of a fake utterance in tongues

And a fake interpretation of a real utterance in tongues.

14. A brother offended may be hard to win back, but a brother-in-law offended may ruin your marriage.

15. It is a snare for a man to say "I do" when he means "I'll try."

16. Never put a knife to your throat, a loaded gun in your mouth, or your foot in the kitchen where your wife and mother-in-law are preparing a holiday meal.

17. A proud man is too proud to realize he is proud and a stupid man is too stupid to realize he is stupid. Most men are proud and stupid. (I sure am glad that I am not one of them.)

18. Do not be hasty in your way or you may get a speeding ticket.

19. Buy wisdom and knowledge no matter how much it costs, but beware of high interest student loans.

20. He who loves purity will find holiness, but will have a hard time finding something to watch on TV.

21. Show your child the strange ways you have gone and when he is old, he will rebel against them.

22. There are two words that will prolong your life; five that will save you:

"Yes dear. You are right."

23. The man who thinks another man stinks has never smelled himself.

24. He who lifts his hands in praise, but has no purity of heart, is an abomination to the Lord; and he who lifts his hands in praise, but has no underarm deodorant, is an abomination to the person next to him.

25. It is better to trust a stupid man who pretends to be smart than a smart man who pretends to be stupid.

26. Train up your dog on where he should go, and when he is old he will be housebroken.

27. A foolish woman clamors on and on about many things, but a wise man pretends to listen.

28. Some religious writings are like chicken soup for the soul, but most religious writings are like baloney sandwiches for the brain.

29. There are six things that are detestable; seven that absolutely stink:

Mean people

Bad parents

Sneaky traffic cops

Long traffic lights

Rude retail salespersons

Dumb questions

And dumb answers to good questions

30. Pride goes before ruin as I goes before E except after C.

31. Everyone has a right to speak foolishly on occasion, but lawyers and politicians abuse the privilege.

32. A proverb need not make sense if it appears to be deep and profound, but life can be reflected through the glass of an ancient shadow.

33. Thus concludes the proverbs of Bob. Read them, my son, and live by them, for in them you may find long life and happiness. (Then again, you may not.)

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