Healing

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We’ve heard it a lot of times. Living life is harder now because the world is too modern. It’s harder to raise a family. It’s harder to find a good partner. It’s harder to keep a healthy relationship, and a lot of other reasons that will justify the statement above.

I personally believe that the world’s modernness has nothing to do with the hardships and pains that we go through in life everyday, but rather, the choices we make along the way that will only be as good as how we understand, see and view things in life.

While it maybe true that we cannot control most of the situations that come along our way, there will however never be a time where we will not be in control on how we choose to react on those situations. There might be times where your choices are limited, but you will still always have a choice. The question is, by what standard are we going to let our choices be influenced with?

As Romans 12:2 puts it “Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God – what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect”. Let us take a real life example to validate how obeying God’s word can provide a better life for us.

Talin is a 54-year old mother of three (3) who has been separated from her husband when she was still in her 30’s because of an affair that her husband had with a much younger woman. Though her husband never gave any indications of unwillingness to take part in raising the kids up, she decided on her own to single handedly do this with the meager salary that she is getting as an employee of a private company and some extra earning she gets as a bookkeeper for other private companies. In the process of raising the kids up on her own, the resentment she feels towards her husband grew and grew, especially during those times that she needs to deny herself of little rewards in life to sustain the needs of her kids. A task that could have not been so hard for her if only her husband is around to help her out, she frequently finds thinking of this to herself. If only Talin knew, things could have not been as tough for her after the separation if she only exhibited forgiveness rather than vengeance. She unconsciously wants to get even with her husband by denying him of his privilege to be a father to their kids, without realizing that in the process, she is also inflicting on damage not only to her husband but also to her kids and to herself as well.

As a famous teaching about forgiveness goes: “Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ”. Ephesians 4:31-32

A lot of you may think that “but it is so hard to accept him back as a husband after what he did to me, especially that you cannot see any remorse from him for his act even up to now”. But who is talking about accepting him back as a husband? What I am trying to emphasize here is giving him a chance to continue his role as a father to his kids, not as a husband to Talin. Most of us will not be able to see that angle because we are so entrapped with our own feeling of anger, frustration, and vengeance. We are so blinded with our own personal agenda that we fail to see what is the right reaction for that particular situation.

“As the scripture says, God made their hearts and minds dull; to this very day they cannot see or hear. And David says, May they be caught and trapped at their feasts; may they fall, may they be punished! May their eyes be blinded so that they cannot see; and make them bend under their troubles at all times.” Romans 11:8-10

This is what I am referring to when I mentioned above that the choices we make along the way would only be as good as how we understand, see, and view things in life. People, through the course of time, were somehow able to attach on a different meaning and interpretation to some of the critical teachings of God, in a way that breaking it is easier and guilt-free. In our example above, though you may hear Talin say to her friends a lot of times that she has already forgiven her husband a long time ago, the points I emphasized above clearly showed that she hasn’t been able to do that yet. If she did, then she will have the insight to give her husband a chance to be a father to their kids, and the kids to experience the joy of having both a father and a mother despite their condition of being separated. Talin unconsciously wants to set-up a negative impression of her husband to her kids. Her way of vindicating herself in the future without the guilt because it will be her children who will inflict pain and guilt into the life of her husband. Her conscious mind thinks she is doing the right thing because she has already set him free. According to Talin, “He can live his life the way he wants it to and I can live mine the way I want it to. Past is past and I already put everything behind me”, but is it?

As a very famous teaching in the bible comparing the world’s standard with God’s standard goes: ”You have heard that it was said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. But now I tell you: do not take revenge on someone who wrongs you. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, let him slap your left cheek too”. Matthew 5:38-39.

Talin’s understanding of what forgiveness is all about will make her exhibit reaction, understanding, and changes that is only limited to her definition of it. In our example above, Talin associates her forgiveness with not having anything to do with her husband. But how many of us know that the real meaning of forgiveness is not, not having anything to do with the person that caused you the pain? Such an act is in reality not forgiveness but a mere act of burying the emotion of anger to temporarily ease the pain. The real meaning of forgiveness is giving up your right to hurt a person in any way even if you think you have all the reasons to do so. This calls on treating the person fairly and giving up on manipulating situations or events that will also cause grief and pain to our oppressor. Remember this, forgiveness is not a feeling it is a decision. You will never ever reach a point where you will be able to forgive someone if there is no conscious effort and willingness to do so.

The reason most of us find it hard to forgive our oppressors is because of our desire for justice. If Talin only knew what God’s promises and provisions are to his people, she could have spared herself of all the sufferings she went through in raising up her kids alone and didn’t miss out on the blessings and grace that God has in stored for her because of her obedience.

As two of my favorite verses in the bible say:

“You won’t even have to fight. Just take your positions and watch the Lord rescue you from your enemy. Don’t be afraid. Just do as you’re told. And as you march out tomorrow, the Lord will be there with you”. 2Chronicles 20:17.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you". Jeremiah 29:11-12

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