Grief

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When you left us,

and were born into heaven,

one of the largest questions I had was,

what do I do with the love I had left to give you?

This love, with nowhere to go, now weighed so heavily on me.

And day by day the love I had been giving you, began to pile up. It got heavier and heavier.

When you were here with me,

especially the last 100 days,

I could give my love to you in so many ways;

holding your baby-soft hands,

smoothing your forehead,

braiding your hair,

bringing you any and everything I could find to cheer you, encourage you, care for you...

...coloring beside you, even though you were too weak but to smile at my pictures of angels, sneaking tastes of food to you, making sure that you knew how many were praying for you.....

I loved to love you and loved it more and more all the time, because I hadn't got to love you like that since you were a tiny girl.

I hadn't seen you without clothes, or washed you or touched you like that in more than 20 years.

I hadn't lain down beside you, or sang to you, or read to you in such a long, long time.

And the more love I gave to you the more love I had to give.

One day, because you couldn't hold any food or drink down for months on end and we kept a basin beside you at all times,

you spoke to me with downcast eyes and apologized because I was taking care of this very full basin....

and I said to you, my eyes warm with tears,

"It is an honor to care for you."

I felt I was carrying your suffering and your pain for you when I lifted the basin away.

When you left us for the new life with God....

all the love that had been growing and gaining power and heft

just stayed in me.

It got heavier and more painful because I couldn't give my love to you anymore.

The weight of my love for you was crushing me.

This is part of the terrible pain...

the awful hurt of living without you.

There was nowhere to send all the love we had grown together in those last 100 days.

Everyone said your little baby could have all that love,

but I shook my head no and said to all of them,

that she deserved her own love, made in her own garden, grown over time in her relationship with me.

She didn't need the love that belonged to you and I.

So I decided to love you where you are.

I love you....

.... there....

Diana.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

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