Humor

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LATE BREAKING NEWS STORY


CAST OF CHARACTERS:

ANNOUNCER (JIM)
DON

(SFX: Newsroom hubbub)

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
--We interrupt our current broadcasting to bring you this special breaking news bulletin of violence that has broken out in the city central.

And now we go to our new reporter in the field, Don Samuelson. Don? Don? Can you hear me?

(SFX: garbled white noise)

Don, come in—

DON:
(Shouting) --bedlam here in the city of Portland. Local peacekeepers are unable to establish ANY sense of order, and further chaos is threatening to spread around the general area.

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
Don, what can you tell us of this disturbance?

DON:
(Still shouting) As near as I can tell, Jim, this conflict has been brewing over the course of time, and there have been recent sporadic flare-ups, but only now has erupted into full-fledged violence.

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
Don… Don... for our listening radio audience, can you describe the scene you are at, and, if possible, what is the extent of casualties there?

DON:
(Shouting continues) Well, things are sketchy as to just how things started, Jim, but from what I’ve been able to piece together, Jimmy pushed Bobby, although for what exact reason is unknown. Bobby pushed Jimmy back who then fell into the mud. Then Jimmy’s friend Jack came on the scene and physically punched Bobby, possibly in the midsection, could be in the sternum, but this has not been substantiated….

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
Uh, Don—

DON:
(Shouting continues) Now all this was tattled to Ms. Hecksby by Sammy, who has been previously characterized by Sally as a “Liar, liar, pants on fire,”

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
Don—

DON:
(Shouting continues) Though no reports of that characterization having continued on to “hang them on a telephone wire.”

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
Don, stop shouting, please.

DON:
(Shouting continues) Jack, who up to this point has been the most violent of assailants at the scene, has since run off upon hearing Bobby’s older brother Zeke, who is two years older then everyone around, is reported to be “out to kick some serious butt” according to—

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
Don!!!

DON:
Uh, yeah?

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
You’re at a playground, aren’t you?

DON:
(puzzled) Well, yeah.

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
We sent you out to find hardboiled street stories.

DON:
Yeah?

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
This is a children’s fight. That’s not news.

DON:
Listen when Bobby’s brother Zeke gets here, there’ll be more than enough trouble for everyone…

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
Don! Get back to us when you have some real news, okay?

DON:
Will do, Jim.

ANNOUNCER (JIM):
We apologize for the interruption in your broadcast enjoyment, and now we return you to your regularly scheduled programming

(SFX: Newsroom hubbub fades)

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