Humor

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It is that time of the year when my attention goes to the back yard, more precisely the grass growing in the back yard. Every year this sneaks up on me. Actually, if the truth were known, I ignore this as long as possible; however, every husband knows of one factor in the home that refuses him to ignore anything — his wife.

Just last week I was staring out the window, lost in my own thoughts, when the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage slipped behind me and asked, “Don’t you think you should get the lawn mower ready and start mowing?”

When it comes to mowing the lawn, my philosophy is to delay the activity as long as possible. What my wife doesn’t know is, once you start mowing the lawn there’s no stopping. The grass in my back yard (more crabgrass than anything else) is determined to grow faster than a dozen mowers could keep up with.

Much of the pre-mowing season is dedicated to coming up with excuses for not beginning to mow that my wife will buy. Unfortunately, she is a discriminating buyer; usually she wants to buy on credit and rarely buys any of my arguments.

Once I get over the wife hurdle, the next step is dealing with the lawn mower. All winter my mower has been loafing in the garage and I know it’s going to take a lot of coaxing to get that machine out of the garage. What it does in the garage all winter is anybody’s guess.

Like most people, I have certain expectations of my mower, which I believe are reasonable. For example: as much as I’ve paid for my mower, I believe it should at least have the decency to keep itself ready for my use at all times.

I’m not complaining, of course, though I have yet to see my mower do anything constructive in the area of personal maintenance. My lawn mower has the habit of just letting itself go without exhibiting any pride in its appearance. If it were not for me, that mower would just rust away to absolute uselessness. It owes me everything.

What I want to know is, what has my mower done for me lately to deserve one more quart of oil? I don’t mind buying the oil. I don’t even mind putting the oil in the lawn mower.

But what I do mind is my lawn mower taking me and the oil I buy for granted. Never once has my lawn mower ever even sputtered anything resembling “thanks.”

Just one little “thanks” is all I ask. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

Actually, I’m a little worried that my lawn mower is becoming too dependent on me. It will not do anything without me yanking its cord.

In fact, I have some real serious concerns about my lawn mower. I believe it has become seriously addicted to oil. I’m not sure how to handle this, but I’m thinking of switching to a patch. A bare patch from my back yard (of which I have plenty) should do the trick.

I don’t ask much from my mower. In fact, I don’t even speak to my mower — all it ever does is cough and sputter and I don’t want to get whatever it has.

After all the years of my experience with lawn mowers, I have noticed they come in three sizes: large, small and where did the goat come from? I would trade my mower in for a goat at the snap of a finger, but my wife says one old goat in the house is all she can put up with.

The average homeowner does not have to deal just with a cantankerous lawn mower. Experience has led me to believe that there is a vicious conspiracy that has brought my lawn mower and backyard grass into a serious alliance against me. How they communicate with one another is one of those great underground mysteries rivaling the da Vinci code.

Nothing is more unfair to the average homeowner. We buy the house, pay the mortgage every month, pay the insurance and all the utilities and then have to mow the back yard. No homeowner can ever win this conspiracy.

I would not mind mowing the grass, except for the fact that you have to mow it every week, over and over again. I would think that once a lawn was mowed it should stay mowed. What causes this grass in my back yard to think it has the right to grow unseemly on the ground I have purchased?

I will wrestle this year, as I have wrestled every year, with coaxing my lawn mower into running and keeping my grass from growing over the neighbor’s fence. It is a job needing continued vigilance, and I’m not sure who’s going to win, me or my lawn mower and back yard.

The apostle Paul knew what it was to diligently fight for something he believed in. “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.” (2 Timothy 4:7-8; KJV.) In the spiritual realm, I have the confidence that God will reward my efforts with his grace and strength each day. My victory in assured in Christ.

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