Marriage

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My sister and I have done plenty of match-making over the years. Few attempts got off the ground, but we did have one successful love match of which we’re proud.

The couple we paired up were hard sells. Both were divorced, having had spouses who were unfaithful. It wasn’t easy convincing these two that they needed to crack their safe cocoons and dare to go out to dinner.

Before we began pitching the idea, there were concerns. Remember the duet, “I’m a little bit country…I’m a little bit rock ‘n roll”? That described these people, and musical preference was just the beginning of their differences. As my sister and I plotted the romance, we realized what we were working with: laid back, contemporary yuppie in a Beamer meets old fashioned, overcommitted PTA mom in a mini-van.

Logic threw red flags everywhere, each warning: Not gonna work.

Cupid, however, kept jabbing us with that pointy arrow and saying, “DO IT!”

That was a long time ago, and I’m thrilled to report that this duo has been happily married for over 10 years. Oh, he still says tomato and she says tamoto, but the difference is minor. What’s major is that their faith, values and ideas about marriage and family are equally yoked, even if their taste in furniture isn’t.

They’ve proven the fundamental law of magnets—opposites attract. They’ve also proven that magnets will stay attached to foundations of steel. Actually, many couples have proven it. I’ve seen Type A’s and Type B’s balance each other nicely, as well as right brainers and left brainers thrive on each other’s different contributions.

On the other hand, I’ve seen opposites drive each other crazy. I’ve also seen people who were clones do the same, such as two head-strong people locking horns like bulls trying to control the pasture.

General thinking is that couples balance best when their personalities meet mid-way. While that’s probably true, it doesn’t mean Early Bird and Night Owl can’t have a peaceful run. Respecting needs, accepting differences, each pulling their weight, communicating, compromising and wanting to make each other happy goes for miles if the foundation is made of like-minded steel— loving the same Lord, upholding the same morals and sharing common goals.

Even so, differences can be problematic if we don’t find Godly ways to handle them.

My husband and I recently attended an energetic, enlightening presentation called MarriedLife Live, a couple’s ministry at North Point Community Church, a large fellowship founded by Andy Stanley in Atlanta, Georgia. The topic was “Celebrating Differences”, and the big question was, do they draw you closer or drive you apart?

That depends on how you think about it, according to Director of MarriedLife, Ted Lowe. To keep those differences from creating a wedge, Lowe advises, “Give your spouse the most generous explanation for their differences, and believe it.”

Here’s an example of how explanations influence the way we cope with differences: Bob likes country-life, but Mary prefers the suburbs, citing it a better environment for the children. One day, Bob is weed-eating the shrubs so he doesn’t get a nasty gram from the homeowners association. He’s hot, thirsty and thinks, “If I lived in the country, NOBODY would hold ME to a neighborhood code! But Mary HAD to live in sweet suburbia, and used the kids as her trump card. The KIDS! How manipulative is THAT????”

Or…Bob could think, “I like the country, but right now Mary wants to live in the suburbs—it’s closer to the schools, the kids have neighborhood friends and it’s not so lonely for them.”

What is Mary? A low-life manipulor…or a loving mother?

However Bob thinks, it’ll affect the way he feels about, speaks to and treats Mary. That’s why Lowe advises that we follow Philippians 4:8 when thinking about our spouse: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (NIV)

If it all begins with a thought, then applying this scripture to our spouse’s differences leaves us with this: finding the positive and giving credit, which should serve to draw us closer.

Back when my sister and I were amateur matchmakers, we saw people who seemed “perfect” together sputter and stall; yet, the couple who seemed least likely to get off the ground, actually made it into the clouds.

Just a thought, but I guess there’s merit to that old saying, “Attitude Determines Altitude”.



©Donna G. Morton, May 2006

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