Humor

---

Yep. It's finally happened. Five decades. Half a century. The Big Five-Oh.

Last week I punched the clock on middle age and crossed the threshold of that final decline that ends ... well, we all know where it ends. No sense getting morbid about it.

I remember back in '79 when my dad reached the same hallowed plateau, and how much teasing I heaped upon him. Boy, did I have fun pointing out every gray hair (where there was hair), the thickening midriff, and those wonderful senior moments. Oh, how the worm has turned.

It's obvious to my family, friends and coworkers that with the advent of my 50th birthday, I have entered my well-deserved mid-life crisis, something that should have happened some seven or eight years ago as my eyesight dimmed and I neared the 200-pound mark. I've gotten rid of my oh-so-practical 1992 Geo Metro and upgraded to my dream car - a 1994 Honda Accord.

I've also decided to actively pursue a new and better me. Phase one is my diet, which has been a resounding success. I've shed 20 pounds and lost five inches: four off my waist and one off my height. Just another one of those old-age perks.

Seriously, it's been a pretty distressing time for me as I've emotionally grappled with the Grim Reaper over the past year-and-a-half (ever since my sister reached the age of 50, signaling me that hey, bud, your day's coming, too). Thanks to my many wonderful friends (and you know who you are), I've been able to face this disaster head-on without completely losing it.

They tell me to look on the bright side. There all kinds of things I should be thankful for.

1. After all, now I can join AARP.

2. When I'm feeling blue, I can put on the oldies station and, if I'm real lucky, I might even catch a tune by Herman's Hermits or Paul Revere and the Raiders.

3. When I fall asleep in church and start drooling, people won't be shocked - they'll expect it from an old codger like me.

4. Turning 50 doesn't necessarily mean my wife's going to end up looking like Bea Arthur.

5. I can ignore anyone I want and blame it on my bad hearing.

6. I can stop taking showers for a couple weeks at a time and instead of being disgusting I'll simply be eccentric.

7. And at least I'm not 60.

Yet.

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE