Short Stories
Recently, I was obliged enough to attend a small social get- together. Did I say obliged? Yes, I was obliged for it gave me an opportunity to scribble down something. As I entered the venue, a small hall, I could see people from all the genres spread all over. In the best of his attire, everyone had a different story to tell. Swaying in the environment was the soft music enriching it with an unknown yet ecstatic sensation. There were people who were too excited to talk to anyone and there were ones, who clued-up everyone about their latest acquisitions (for instance, the recent brand they bought or what’s latest on the block, in short, gossip). And obviously, there were several sad souls as well who could think of nothing better to do but sit in a lone corner and give others a ‘why-the-hell-are-you-so-happy?’ look. And then, after an hour of healthy discussions, soft music and soft drinks, took place the changeover. The soft music was replaced by hard rock, mock tails by cocktails and the so called hale and hearty discussions with wild dance.
I being a non-drinker accompanied the gathering with a glass of orange juice. Eventually, the effect of alcohol was visible. Vodka, beer, wine and what not…many bottles opened and so did those sad souls. They started to come up with their tragic stories and the gossip mongers, ironically, were lost in themselves. The party was being enjoyed to the fullest by everyone including me as not even for a moment was I deprived of observing something interesting. Not that only I was the one with a non-alcoholic drink in my hand. There were several others as well but many of them seemed to be too mystified to understand anything. After an interesting show that carried on for hours, I realized that it was getting exhausting. With a desire to get some fresh air and decision to get back to my routine, I thanked the host for the wonderful party who too was obviously high. ‘High on vodka or high on life’- I couldn’t really get it. Bidding goodbye to a few of my close friends who were out of their senses I said- catch ya tomorrow. Yep, catch ya tomorrow morning when instead of vodka shots, you’d desperately be in need of lemonade shots and headache pills. Smiling to myself, I headed towards the exit.
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Observe comments suggested in numbered paragraphs
1
obliged enough ...Explain like this… “I was invited to a small etc. and obliged by attending etc.”
As I entered ...New paragraph here
best of his attire...Omit “his.”
Swaying in the environment … Why swaying? Perhaps, keep it….but begin with “Soft music swayed in the etc..”
there were ones, who ….there were those who etc
And then, after an hour ...Omit “and” and begin “Then after etc.” Create new paragraph at “Then.”
soft drinks, took place ...Omit COMMA after “drinks.”
ratinal discussions ...note spelling ...“rational.”
2
as not even for a moment….Substitute “since” for “as.”
only I was the one … Correct word order … “I was the only one…”
as well but many ...COMMA after “well.”
and decision ...insert “a” before “decision.”
get back …. Instead say “return.”
who too was obviously high…perhaps “BUT he or she too...etc.” (not sure if your host was male or female...adjust accordingly)
3
catch ya tomorrow….I said, (Note COMMA) “Catch ya tomorrow.” Note quotation marks. This adds variety to your short story and dialogue makes it real.
Smiling to myself...new paragraph here brings everything to a fitting end after the climax sentence “Catch ya etc.”
Well told account. Somewhere in it, perhaps a reference to Christ, Christian ethics, scriptural warning or perspective may raise it to another level, so that it does not read as if written by a secular or non-Christian commentator.
Comments are given in numbered paragraphs
1.
Yes, I was obliged ...COMMA after “obliged.”
entered the venue, a small hall...OMIT “venue.” Simply “entered a small hall…”
In the best ...Perhaps you could split your long paragraph at this point. In today’s graphic world most readers prefer everything quick and short. Three of four sentences per paragraph is best.
his attire...Why “his”? Perhaps “his” could be omitted. Were there ladies? Then “his” would be inappropriate. Perhaps “In the best of attire, everyone etc.”
there were ones, who … better to say “there were those who…”
Obviously ...Why “obviously”? Obvious to who?
but sit ...should be “but TO sit…”
And then, after an hour ...Perhaps another split here and new paragraph.
took place the changeover… I’m not understanding this phrase...Is a word missing?
mock tails ...What is this? Do you mean mock TALES (stories...gossip)? Is this attempt at something poetic?
ratinal ...this should be “RATIONAL”
2
I ,being a non-drinker ...Omit space after “I” and insert space after COMMA.
The party was being enjoyed to the fullest by everyone ...Sounds awkward. Avoid the Passive Voice. Better to keep the Active Voice: “Everyone was really (or greatly) enjoying the party
including me…Sounds awkward. “and so was I.” Period after “I.” End of sentence.
as not even for a moment… New sentence… Omit “as. Begin “Not for one moment…”
But hold on. Again avoid the Passive Voice. Instead of saying “Not for one moment” which is NEGATIVE...why not say…”I was ALWAYS observing something interesting.” That’s both positive and in the ACTIVE VOICE.
Not that only I was the one...another awkward sentence. Instead … “I was not the only one with etc.”
After an interesting show ...Possible new paragraph here.
getting exhausting… if you are poetic you may prefer a softer, more euphonious word like “becoming” instead of the hard “getting.”
who too was obviously high….awkward...rearrange word order...who was ALSO obviously high
3
I couldn’t really get it...What do you mean? “I did not get it”...i.e. understand it….or become a part of it (i.e. flow along with all the party gang/feel a part of the crowd)?
catch ya tomorrow ...after “said” COMMA, then open quotation marks “Catch ya etc.” Note uppercase “C.”
Yep, catch ya ...Is this sentence suppose to be thoughts you have as you prepare to leave? Then separate it in a new paragraph also.
Smiling to myself, I headed towards the exit...This sentence could begin a new paragraph and stand out, revealing your desire to separate from everything the night represented.
Perhaps some comment at the end might help a reader to fill the heart with love for Christ.
Consider the above points carefully and if there are any questions or clarifications you may contact me at richmccaw@ netzero.net