Testimonies

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This may very well be the hardest thing I have ever had to write. But write it, I will. I will, because I know the outcome. Please bear with me through the first parts of this testimony. I assure you, it’s going to end on a much, much lighter note.

For several weeks now, the Lord has been teaching me so, so much. It’s been nearly overwhelming how much He’s been teaching me. But two main things constantly come up with every lesson... love and humility. I suppose that He has been teaching me so much about them because He knows full well that they have been the two things that I have struggled with most. How gracious of Him! I’m learning the humility thing pretty well, I think. In fact, that’s why I say this is hard for me to write... because it is truly a test of my humility to write it. But that other thing... that love thing... well, let’s just say that’s taking some time and God’s not nearly finished with me. But I trust that He’s doing a miracle work, however slowly He chooses to do it.

This morning, I laid down in my living room floor on a pillow and sought to take refuge in my First Love, this Jesus whom I cried to and laughed with and rejoiced with as a very young child. This Jesus whom I had “blind faith” in. I fully expected that He was listening to me then and that He cared about the things that were a real concern for me. As the years have gone by and my heart and faith have been so stained by the things that have gone on around me, it was no easy task. But I chose to believe the Word and there is nothing too hard for God. And there, I cried out, the little deep calling out to the Big Deep. But did not the Big Deep call me there first?

“Father, You know. You know how big the wall is that I’ve put up between myself and others. I do love people so much, but I don’t let myself love them with more than half my heart. I can’t. You only, You only know how deep my heart is. Only You can reach down into the depths of it and hold it gently enough for me to trust You with it. Only You. Because it doesn’t hurt when You do, Father. I’m not afraid when You touch those hidden and tender places. But You know that I’m so afraid for anyone else to know how deep my heart is, how hard it is to give any of it away.”

I didn’t just “cry out” to the Lord. I wept there. My pillow was severely soaked. My heart felt like it had a vice around it. But I wasn’t finished. I ignored the pain and kept crying out anyway:

“Comfort me, Father, and teach me how to tear down this wall that I have built up between myself and others. Teach me how to love people with full sincerity, but without concern about whether they are capable of returning it. Teach me how to love them with all my heart, with a love that is not self-seeking or expectant. Then, then I know that I’m able to love the way You love. And help me, please God, to allow others to care about me, the real me, the me beneath the surface, this me that nobody but You knows.”

How the tears flowed. But there, when I got still and only the tears were flowing, this is what the Lord spoke to me:

“I know your heart, how deep it is, and all its secret places. Of course it’s deep; it’s made in the image of Mine. How deep is My heart? As deep as your heart is, can you even begin to imagine how deep My heart is? I have been the Deep calling out to the deep for thousands of generations. I have cried out for the deep to meet Me in the secret places of My heart and they took My heart and loved Me for who I am on a surface level. They took all that I had to give them. And they loved themselves so much more than they loved Me that they never knew what it did to My heart. They didn’t know because they couldn’t know. They couldn’t know because they never took the time to search My heart the way I searched and still search theirs. Keep searching the Deep, My Love, and you will keep on conforming to it. I know your pain. I have never missed a single tear. Everything I promised you is already yours. Just begin to walk in it. Trust Me and walk in it. Stay near Me and I will always be the One who whispers in your ear... ‘This is the Way.’”

I guess this is the way, this path to the heart of Jesus, my First Love, and learning, albeit step-by-step, to love the way He loves. I don’t know everything and I make a lot of mistakes. But I trust Him to be the One guiding my steps, no matter how difficult those “steps” may be sometimes.

There’s a sweet love song playing on the radio right now, as I’m typing. I can’t help but smile. What a turn around from only moments ago. How alive He is to me! How close He calls me to Him. But I’m not the only one. He’s got such a wonderful purpose for us that even when we think He’s just doing it for our own good, He’s got some greater plan in mind. I’m not the only one. He’s calling you closer too.
© Joyce Pool

All That I Am
from the album - I Wish We All Could Win
by The Afters

I feel a burning, deep inside of me
I feel your Spirit, it’s moving around me
I hear Your voice, You’re calling me closer
I know that You’re here, You’re calling me closer
And I will…
Chorus:
Love You with all of my heart
Jesus I’ll love You with all of my mind
Jesus I’ll love You with all of my soul
Jesus I’ll love You with all that I am
I know that You hear me when I say my prayers
I know that You’re with me even when I’m all alone
When I close my eyes, You’re calling me close
When I pull away, You’re pulling me closer
And I will…
(Chorus)
You are holy, Lord God Almighty
You are holy, Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and will soon come again
Lord you are and now You’re coming again
Just like you said, You’re coming again
And I will…
(Chorus)

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