Humor

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{The following was first published on suite101.com}

LIVING WILL AND ADVANCE DIRECTIVES FOR HEALTH CARE & POST DEATH PROCEDURES

I, Bob Kuhn, being of sound mind, on this day of July 31, 2005, do willfully and voluntarily make the following Declaration regarding decisions affecting my health, life, and death. These instructions are to be implemented if I become unable to make said decisions for myself. I require my doctors, family members, pastoral care givers, and all others involved to consider themselves morally and legally obligated to carry out the instructions and directives set forth in this Declaration.

Advance Directives for Health Care:

1) First and foremost, I do not wish to be kept alive by any means that is not covered by my health insurance. I, being a born again Christian, do not fear death; but I do fear a life of having to pay off ridiculously high doctor fees and over priced medical procedures. I would consider that to be a fate far worse than death.

However, if it is ever determined that I am "clinically dead", I would like to be revived by any means necessary. Those means could include procedures that would not be covered by my health insurance since I could subsequently write a best selling book about my post death experiences. (That should bring in enough money to pay off all medical expenses and allow me to fulfill my lifelong dream of appearing on an afternoon talk show.)

2) Should I ever become disabled and loose consciousness due to some terminal condition that is irreversible by any procedure then known to medical science, I do not wish to be kept alive by artificial means. But, should it be conceivable, at that time, that a cure or reversible procedure can or will be developed at some future date, I would like to be frozen in suspended animation until such procedure becomes available. If the situation mentioned in the previous sentence should come to pass, I direct my family to use whatever money I have at that time to purchase, on my behalf and in my name, shares of stock in some rapidly growing technology. Copies of said stock should be frozen with me.

3) While I am not afraid to die, I am certainly afraid of pain. Therefore, should I incur some life threatening condition, I direct all of those who may have anything to do with my healthcare to use all available means to alleviate my pain. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT! This directive not only includes physical pain, but mental and emotional pain as well. For that reason, a list has been compiled of those who will not be allowed to visit me. This list can be found somewhere on my person, as I plan to keep it with me at all times. It will be marked: IN CASE OF ILLNESS, READ THIS FIRST.

4) Should any situation arise in which I am incapable of making necessary decisions regarding my life and health that are not specifically covered by these stated directives, I designate the following group of individuals to make those decisions on my behalf: the President of the United States, the Pope, and the most recent winner of the Nobel Peace Prize. These three individuals must arrive at a unanimous consensus before any decision can be implemented.

Post Death Advance Directives

Upon my death, the following instructions are to be carried out regarding my remains:

1) All of my organs must be donated. Any person in need of one or more of my donated organs should be given that organ free of charge, unless the person in need is on my IN CASE OF ILLNESS, READ THIS FIRST list. Those individuals must pay, to my family, a fee for each organ needed. An itemized "cost-of-organ" price list will be enclosed with the list of subject individuals.

2) My remains are not to be buried. Burials are much too costly, and have no practical effects upon those left alive. Neither is my body to be cremated. Cremation causes unnecessary air pollution and distorts the body beyond recognition, not to mention the fact that it would give God the extra work of having to reconstruct my ashes when I am resurrected at the rapture.

Instead, I wish to be stuffed. An experienced and skilled taxidermist should be hired as soon as my death seems imminent. He or she is to be instructed to make my body appear as lifelike as possible, which includes making all limbs flexible and all joints hinged so that my body can be placed in many different lifelike positions. This would allow my wife to use my body in various practical ways, such as:

- sitting it next to her while driving in a "two-or-more" expressway lane
- positioning it on the front porch of our home with a rifle in its hands for protection
- or using it in a family portrait to make one of those personalized Christmas cards

Also, my stuffed body could be placed in an "arm-extended-ready-to-shake-hands" position at my funeral. This would give a warm and friendly atmosphere to what is traditionally a cold and impersonal funeral experience. The possibilities are endless.

3) Finally, I give my personal permission to those involved with the planning and implementation of my funeral and/or memorial service to use humor and/or satire in order to lighten up the occasion. Placing a bumper sticker on my hearse that reads "I would rather be sailing" or having a coffin, containing nothing but my clothes and glasses, opened while someone screams, "He has been raptured. Oh no! We are all LEFT BEHIND!" could add a pleasant touch to the somber occasion.

I understand that some of the instructions and directives stated may be deemed illegal. In such cases I ask that the law be followed and that the closest creative alternative be used to satisfy my wishes.

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