Children
I can’t explain the magic that is motherhood. It’s the quiet moments in the evening, after dinner when the sun is setting and she’s there, crawling through the house as if she owned the world. It’s holding her as the evening wears on, her tiny body pressed against my chest, her shallow breathing and wet thumb on my neck as she drifts away to sleep. It’s checking on her right before we go to bed, her face pressed against the slats of the crib, her tiny butt up in the air. It’s the mornings when she wakes up and calls me from her room; walking in to find her standing up against the railing, gummy smile spread wide across her cherub face.
It’s in knowing the boundless love she possesses for me, as I am her world. It’s seeing her beautiful blue eyes light up when her father enters the room (and the quiet sadness over the reality that at that moment he took my place as her world.) It’s witnessing all her firsts, fighting back the aching reminder that she’s growing up too fast. It’s mother’s intuition, that beautiful phenomenon that allows me to decipher her cries- like the time she got rolled up tightly in her crib sheet when she was supposed to be sleeping and I ignored her crying for just a moment, thinking it was because she didn’t want to sleep but then quickly realizing something was wrong. Face covered, rolled like a little pig in a blanket, she cried in such a way that let my gut know she was in trouble…
It’s the heart-breaking reality of knowing that I won’t always be able to keep her from getting hurt.
It’s praying daily that she will be safe and that she’ll always know how much we love her. It’s worrying constantly that she won’t. And hoping she realizes that her parents are just human. In the faith-blinding moments, when I worry about where we’ll be in five years or ten, in the silent hours between knowing we’re ok and forgetting that we are, I wonder; is this child going to see us for who we are, who we’re trying to be? For all we’ve done and all we’ve left to do (for all we’ve tried to do but failed?) Will she know our eternal love? Will she feel it, even when we don’t make it clear?
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