Prayers

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My God, My God. I know you’re there. I know You love me. I know You love Joanna, but I don’t know where You are. You’re supposed to be right here beside us both. Maybe I have a slight feeling of You being here with me right now, simply because I’m writing this prayer. I can’t bring myself to get on my knees and pray. I don’t really know what to pray and that’s where I’ve been for a couple of months now. I know that You know the desires of my heart, so I generally pray for You to look in there for my prayer.

When I started dating Joanna, I was afraid it was a mistake. You told me many times that it wasn’t the right thing. As soon as the e-mail went, You told me I shouldn’t have done it. But I didn’t listen. I disobeyed You, Lord. But You’re a forgiving and merciful God. I’m asking You for Your forgiveness and mercy right now, God. I love Joanna and the only way I can undo the first disobedience is to disobey again and lose someone I care deeply about. That can’t be what You’re asking me to do. I know that I’ve been promised trials and tribulations and that You have given me the strength to overcome them, but I don’t feel that strength now.

I feel stronger than yesterday, and much stronger than Tuesday. But I’m still weak. I can’t take much more. I know I should be joyful in my suffering, accepting it as Christ did. I know that we sometimes need to be completely broken to really know You. Is there a piece of me left that’s big enough to break down any further? Jesus knew a miracle was coming. Is there a miracle coming for me and Joanna? I have to believe that there is. But, Lord, You know that she has zero patience and I don’t have very much more. How much more can You let us tear each other down before there’s nothing left?

Is this designed to force me to question myself? To question who I am at my core? Because that’s what I’m doing. I have no idea if I’m the good Christian person everyone tells me I am or if I’m the complete waste of flesh that both my wife and ex-wife tell me I am. If these are Satan’s lies, why do You allow him to lie through those closest to me? How am I supposed to not listen to those that I trust the most, excluding the ex-wife now, of course?

I need Your intervention Lord. I’ll never turn my back on You, but I may give up on people I love. You know what I’m talking about it. I know You’ll forgive that too. But I’d rather You not have to.

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