Humor

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A controversy has raised its ugly head between the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage and Yours Truly. It has been a long time since such a rift has invaded the tranquility of our domicile.

Sure, our past is haunted by differences. We have not always seen eye to eye on everything. How could we? I stand 6’ 3” and she is a mere 5’ 2.” The only way we can see eye-to-eye is if I hunker down, or she gets on her high horse. I am saddened to report it is the latter situation gracing our home at the present time.

Controversy at our house is like contraband. Instead of country music, there is plenty of singing the blues.

Past controversies around our home have included: Who ate the last cookie? Who spilled the milk in the refrigerator? Who forgot to turn the coffee pot off before they left? Who left the toilet seat up?

A funny thing about these controversies, the focus is usually “me.” I wonder how that happened?

The recent discord centered on a particular aspect of my diet. Since going on a rather strict diet, I have been watching what I eat. More importantly, somebody has been watching me watch what I eat. I mentioned no names but this “somebody,” lives at the same house I do and sits at the same dinner table.

To my credit, I have been most devoted to the details of my diet. This is not to say at some point I may have deviated ever so little from it, but for the most part, and that’s the important part, I have stayed the course.

I meticulously worked out a menu I could manage on a day-to-day basis and I must say I am rather proud of my success. The pounds have melted off, like butter on a hot biscuit, of which neither butter nor biscuit are on my diet.

The controversy that has developed around our dinner table and spilled over into the living room has to do with my diet. I believe after a certain amount of time and success a person (me in particular) should have the right to modify and expand the dimensions of a diet as long as it does not expand the dimensions of said person’s waist. She thinks otherwise.

It all began when my wife and I stopped at our favorite restaurant, the Slurp & Burp Café in beautiful downtown Ocala. The meal was marvelous, the service was superb and we thoroughly reveled in our evening repast.

At the conclusion of our meal, the waitress asked a simple question. “Would you folks be having desert?”

Earlier I noted one of the specials for the evening was pumpkin pie. I cannot remember the last time I had a nice slice of pumpkin pie. My philosophy is, if I can’t remember the last time I had a piece of pumpkin pie it is time to have one, so I ordered some.

Just as the waitress was leaving, I amended my order; “Make sure you put whipped cream on it.”

I was about ready to sit back and patiently wait for my pie to arrive when I glanced across the table only to be greeted with two fiery laser beams directed me-ward. Then the words came bolting from her mouth, “Pie is not on your diet.”

I tried explaining to her that the damage was already done and out of courtesy, I would have to eat the pumpkin pie when the waitress brought it to our table.

”Courtesy nothing,” she exclaimed, “pumpkin pie is definitely not on your diet!”

At this point, I knew I had to do some pretty quick thinking or the pumpkin pie would be history, and I was only interested in current events. A thought then gripped a small slice of my mind.

”Honey,” I cheerfully responded, “pumpkin pie is a vegetable, and vegetables are definitely on my diet.” I was quite proud of this rationale — I had no idea where it came from but welcomed it as an honored guest at our table.

About this time, the waitress brought my slice of pumpkin pie and before she could whirl away, I took a great big bite. The response from my Beloved was a cold, deadly stare that I knew only too well.

For the next few days, the controversy raged within the walls of our residence. I, on the one hand, insisting that pumpkin pie was made from pumpkins and everybody knows a pumpkin is a vegetable, ergo pumpkin pie is a vegetable.

She, on the other hand, insisted that I was crazy.

Then I saw the light. It was a flash of insight I am unaccustomed to, but I welcomed it like an old friend.

”Okay,” I began reasoning with her. And everybody knows when I begin to reason there’s very little reason to it. “I will accept that I am crazy if you will accept that pumpkin pie is a vegetable.”

At the time, it seemed like a sensible solution to our controversy. She would get what she wanted and I would get what I wanted.

Most problems in relationships can be solved by a little give-and-take. The Bible says, “Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” (Ephesians 5:20-21 KJV.)

As it stands, she has more evidence for her point then I have for mine.

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