Healing

---

I am a bastard. I am a sinner. I am unworthy. I am lost. Worst of all, I am a fatherless little girl. These are what make me who I am, or what I believed when my mind was clouded, my vision fuzzy, my perspective demolished in ways I never realized.
Daddy left when I was five, left nothing but an aura of drunken abuse and pain, tears never to be kissed away, a father’s love I would never know. He left a hatred towards men, a trust issue so remarkable I still can’t fathom the extent of how I felt towards men. He didn’t even say good-bye..just vanished…like waking up from a horrible dream with the shakes..that was what I experienced. Looking back, I realize how much I could have protected myself, loved myself more if I had known how a man was supposed to love me. I blame my father for never being there to show me a fathers’ love. I blame myself more for seeking that love in the arms of to many who used and abused what I needed most.
It has taken me years to realize, to cope, to understand these emotions. It took years of self hate, of corruption, of living life as if I didn’t want to live another day, but after my encounter I am glad that I know the truth.
It was a rainy night, as it has been so often lately, a cold windy October. I was in school yet another night, hating myself, hating the world, hating my circumstance when a man spoke to me. Being the skeptic of men that I tend to be I didn’t start talking to him to learn about his trials or tribulation, I spoke with him out of boredom, out of the need to talk to someone, to be heard, and maybe because, even though I thought all men where pigs, just maybe I sensed something in him. It was a friendly conversation revolving around everything, and nothing in particular. An open no-hold bars conversation when the simplest mention of Christ struck an emotion in me I haven’t felt in such a long time. The conversation, which had no meaning previous just hit my inner nerve…when you feel tears come to your eyes just by hearing someone explain how happy they are, how content they are, how Loved they are. It’s hearing the testimony of someone who has so much love, believes so passionately in what they are talking about, it affects you without asking your permission. I wanted to shout at him, scream “Where was HE when I needed someone! Where was HE when my only relief was self mutilation?! Why do I hate the joy you feel?! WHY! WHY! WHY!” But the words never came, they vanished with every word, every aspect of his experience that he was so willing to share with me…popped like a bubble in my gut and released through the tears my eyes filled with but were forced to stay hidden and promised a release later in the night, in my own privacy, when I could work things out in my head. I learned a lot that night, from the gentle words of a kind man so willing to share his love.
I believe I met an angel, even though I had seen this man often, knew him causally, I found out what it’s like to REALLY know someone and it’s proof how our simple lives can be affected so radically by a conversation that began out of boredom. How radically your thought process can change within moments. In this total stranger, a man to be exact, instead of hate I discovered that maybe not all men where out to hurt and use me, and in just the words he spoke I felt his love for everything fill me completely, and the holes I felt inside me seemed filled with something new, something I couldn’t put a name to. Thinking about it, I was meant to have this conversation, meant to be at that place at that time, I was meant to be given a message, and I was finally, after so many attempts in the past, ready to receive HIS message.
I am a strong woman. I am a sinner but someone forgives me. I am worthy of love. Most importantly, I DO have a father that loves me deeply and I have a lot of catching up to do with Him. A lot of time and prayer and maybe I can finally form the relationship I have been seeking for far to long. Thank you my angel, maybe you sensed the pain within me, and with a simple conversation about movies and this and that, you saved a little girl that was so hurt and lost. Who knew such things were possible?

---

PLEASE ENCOURAGE AUTHOR BELOW LEAVE COMMENT ON ARTICLE