Humor

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In the Hot Seat

In the spring of 1936 it was hot and humid in eastern Arkansas. Smoking wasn’t allowed, but Mary sure liked to smoke. It was a habit that she had learned at home from her mother and her father. But smoking wasn’t allowed at school. At least not for the kids. Smoking was very popular among all the adults back then and they did a lot of smoking around the kids, second-hand smoke wasn’t an issue or concern. Mary didn’t care about the second-hand smoke; she just wanted her cigarette fix.

She took some Prince Albert to school with her that day. It was the good kind, in the can, and she brought her own premiere papers to ensure that her smoke would be a very enjoyable one. She could roll a pretty mean cigarette back then; she learned from a very early age. She was responsible for rolling her dad’s cigarettes while they were out on the fishing boat. He was a chain smoker; she had learned her craft well.

She rolled a few cigarettes on her way to school that morning and kept the can hid; she didn’t want her dad to find out that she had swiped his secret stash. He would tan her hide for a lot less, and he had spent a half a week’s wage on that tobacco and papers. Periodically she would take the rolled cigarettes from her pocket and run them gingerly under her nose to take in the full effect of their flavor. She wasn’t quite twelve yet, but she knew a good cigarette when she smelled one. And these were going to be good cigarettes.

When she arrived at school that morning, she met up with her running buddies, Frank and Joe and showed off her newly rolled treasures. They each took one cigarette and wafted it under their noses; mouth’s watering, waiting for the opportunity to enjoy them.

“After school behind the outhouse?” Asked Joe.

“Sure thing.” Mary told him. “Bring two bits.” She didn’t mind sharing her stash with her buddies, but nobody ever said she didn’t have to make a profit.

Just then Old Mr. Peterson appeared from around the corner where he had been spying on them; he had seen everything and demanded that they hand over the finely rolled cigarettes.

“I’ll take those,” The old fat principal snarled through his grinning buck teeth.

Frank and Joe gave up the loot without even a whisper of disagreement. Mary grew red faced and leaned forward about to take the cigarettes when Principal Peterson grabbed her by the wrist.

“That’ll be quite enough there. Girl’s don’t have any business smoking. So you just get along there now before I expel the lot of you.”

Mary moved along, but she wasn’t finished yet.

Later that afternoon she met with Frank and Joe to devise a plan to fix Old Man Peterson. The next morning they arrived at school a little early with their supplies in paper sacks. The fates were smiling on them; Mr. Peterson hadn’t arrived at school yet.

Joe removed the tongue depressors from his paper sack and handed them to Mary. Frank removed the oil of mustard from his sack and handed it to her as well. Mary took the oil of mustard and tongue depressors and placed one in the oil of mustard. She began to spread it gingerly over Mr. Peterson’s chair seat, making several swipes as if she were making herself a peanut butter sandwich. They suddenly heard Old Man Peterson’s boots clomping down the hallway. They ran quickly for cover, putting his chair back where they had found it.

They ran to their seats and tried to conceal their trappings. Joe grabbed the paper sack and stuffed it in his lunch pail. All of the other students began to shuffle in the door with Old Man Peterson on their heels.

“Settle down class,” Peterson bellowed. “We have serious business to discuss today. Some of you have violated school policy and we have to all deal with it.” He looked right at Mary.

He pulled one of the beautifully rolled cigarettes from his shirt pocket. Mary gritted her teeth in anger. Peterson pulled his lighter from his pocket and sat down in his chair. He propped both feet upon the desk as he always did. He reared back in the chair just like he always did; but today was a little different.

He lit the cigarette and took a long hot drag. He smiled as he released the great big puff of smoke. Then his smile turned to a look of confusion. He immediately jumped from the chair and yelled to his secretary Gladys to bring him a pail of cold water and fast. As Peterson ran toward the door, the students exploded with laughter. His bare backside was showing!

Mary had used so much oil of mustard that it had burned a hole in his pants. As he ran from the building and buried his backside in the pail, he dropped the other cigarette. Mary immediately picked it up and pocketed it. She turned to walk away.

“I hope you realize you are expelled young lady!” He yelled after her.

“Figures,” she said. “But at least I ain’t the only one in the hot seat.”

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