Christian Living
LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
When a Christian chooses a mate for life, the first priority is to be equally yoked. But, just being a Christian isn't always enough. Two Christians can be unequally yoked, in my view. There are carnal Christians, who, although they have "confessed with their mouth and believe in their hearts" that Christ is Lord, haven't submitted to Him and are content to be ruled by their flesh. These are double-minded Christians who aren't ready to make themselves a living sacrifice.
Beyond the spiritual aspect of choosing a mate, there are other criteria like compatibility, shared goals, physical attraction, and of course, agape (unconditional) love. Choose one who is compatible with your lifestyle and personality and character. Opposites do attract, but the attraction can be a "fatal attraction," so to speak, if you aren't careful. Before you become anything else with someone of the opposite sex, friendship should be the first stage.
If you love warm weather, read voraciously, are passionate about bible study and church, follow politics, current events, love the outdoors and want a house full of kids, you may want to think twice about serious involvement with a hermit who wants to live in the Swiss Alps, loathes reading, won't set foot in a church, has never voted and hates kids. This is an exaggerated example, but when you and someone you're attracted to have little in common, that's a sign to think it over before pursuing anything beyond platonic friendship.
Making friends with someone who shares your goals is easier than attempting it with someone you don't. Communication is an essential aspect of friendship. When you have mutual interests, there is a natural starting point for conversation, which helps friends to become better acquainted and to familiarize themselves with each other. Some women are attracted to the strong silent type of man. This is not necessarily a bad thing if the man isn't always silent and can express himself effectively most of the time. If you can't have meaningful conversations with someone, it's difficult to understand them or bond with them beyond a superficial or physical level.
For Christians, studying the Word and getting to know Christ in a spiritually intimate way is necessary for growth. Anything alive that isn't growing is dying. Your mate's hunger and zeal for the Lord should approximate or exceed your own. Growing together in the Lord can be a joyous experience as you draw closer to one another and to God simultaneously! Choose a friend who inspires you and supports you in your spiritual walk. Sharing the narrow path toward Zion is the best journey there is.
When choosing a mate, or a friend, who could become your mate, it is important to care about the person. This seems obvious, but there are married people who do not like or care for their spouses. You can be compatible with someone but not really care to ever know them in any intimate way. Sharing ideals, hobbies and pleasures aren't necessarily indicators for a successful marriage. Even liking someone isn't a good reason to marry. You may adore your Labrador retriever, but marrying it would probably not be satisfying in the long run.
One of the most important considerations when choosing a mate is the longevity factor. Do you honestly feel your relationship will stand the test of time? Do you enjoy interacting with the person? Do you look forward to seeing them again when you're apart? Do you usually still feel the same way after six months? After a year? Marriage was intended to be a life time event. We are to leave our parents and cleave to each other as "one flesh." It's possible to feel physically compatible with someone; you may be attracted to their physical attributes, but that's not enough for a long term, quality, loving relationship or marriage. Take your time. Get to know the person over a adequate amount of time, at least a year, before buying that wedding gown.
There is nothing wrong or evil in physical attraction, in and of itself, between two singles who are getting to know each other. But, sex is a precious gift, meant to be shared and enjoyed only with your marriage partner. Be clear about this. Sex outside of marriage is biblically and morally wrong! Premarital and extramarital sex are both outside of God's will. Celibacy, abstaining from sex, until after holy matrimony, is caring enough about yourself and your future spouse to present yourself without spot or wrinkle on your wedding night. Celibacy won't kill you but irresponsible sex could.
Sex in marriage also has to be put into perspective. If the greatest thing about your spouse is their physique (or technique) then there is a serious problem. Eros, (physical love), is simply not enough. If the partners don't connect morally, spiritually, intellectually or in shared goals and vision, they may have one flesh, but two heads. And any one thing that has two heads is considered a monster. Don't make your marriage a horror story. Take the time to develop strong, positive, spiritual and loving (agape) bonds with your friend and the progression from friendship to courtship and ultimately marriage won't be unnecessarily burdensome or tumultuous. It will be the adventure of a lifetime.
Getting to truly know someone is difficult enough, even when the relationship is in God's will. But, when it isn't, trials and tribulations will be multiplied and the marriage could be agonizing, brief, or both. Avoid becoming serious with one dimensional people. If your strong man cannot be sensitive and tender at times he may not be strong enough for a life with you. If your sweet woman isn't strong enough to handle the normal rigors and vicissitudes of life, you may not want her in your life forever. In every stage of the relationship, assess where you are with this person and determine if things are progressing or regressing.
Finally, be strong in your faith and walk with the Lord. The first intimate relationship you have, should be with Him. And when you're in covenant with Him, the Holy Spirit will direct you toward the friends you should surround yourself with and He will absolutely warn you if you are dating someone who is outside of God's will for you. The Holy Spirit is the best early warning system there is. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths." Believe it and live by it and you will be on your way to the dynamic life and marriage the Lord intends for His children.
Peace, blessings and love,
Minister Kenya Branch
August 2000
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