Grief

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Tired Of Faking It --
By Deanne Ruedemann

“The worst crime I could think of would be to rip people off by faking it, pretending as if I’m having 100% fun.” (From the suicide note of rock star Kurt Cobain in 1994)

I wish that I could read this quote and believe that I don’t ever “fake it” in front of others by appearing happy when I’m really sad, or joyful when I’m really grieving over things in my life that just aren’t all that super-duper great at the moment. But the truth is that I do fake it sometimes. Lately I haven’t felt all that joyful because of my mother’s quickly failing health and the grief that comes from the loss of my relationship with her due to her mental deterioration. In fact, I have been feeling downright guilty for feeling sad, because everything I seem to read from Christian authors tells me to “cheer up” and “be joyful”, pointing only to the Bible verses that speak of the abundant life and non-stop rejoicing that one should have when professing to know Christ.

Just this past week, while feeling guilty about not feeling 100% joyful, someone reminded me that Jesus wept. What? That’s right: “Jesus wept” (John 11:35 NASB) when he saw the people crying over Lazarus’ death. And he also wept over his beloved city, Jerusalem, in Luke 19:41. Not only did Jesus weep himself, but he told us that we would weep. In fact he gave a special blessing to those who mourn in Matthew 5:4 (NASB): “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” In John 16:20 (NASB) Jesus told his disciples that they would “weep and lament”, but that their “grief will be turned into joy”.

So there you have it: Jesus wept himself during appropriate times of grief such as a death or the realization that Jerusalem was full of unrepentant people, and He attested to the fact that we too will weep and lament. BUT….. He also says that our grief will be turned into joy. And he says that we will be comforted when we mourn.

I am comforted by the fact that Jesus simply acknowledges that I will (not just might) mourn, and that somehow I will ultimately be blessed and comforted as a result of mourning. Sometimes it has been easier for me to try to follow our society’s rules of having a “stiff upper lip” or trying to put on a fake smile, rather than to admit even to friends that on my bad days it takes about five times more energy than normal for me to get up out of bed and do the things I need to do, and that sometimes I feel like I am sailing in a mud bath rather than on smoother waters.

The realization that Jesus understands my grief makes me feel less guilty during the days that I simply need to sit down and cry for the loss I feel concerning my mother. It reassures me that the verses about non-stop rejoicing don’t mean that we are to ignore times of sadness and carry a fake smile around, pretending not to be experiencing grief. Okay, so I’m grieving and sad. Now what? As I read God’s Word, I see four things that God wants me to do about my grief. These four things include worship, reading God’s Word, resting, and relying.

#1—WORSHIP

What better person to look to in the Bible concerning suffering, than Job? When Job first heard the news that his children had all been killed, what did he do?

“Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshiped. He said, ‘Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.’ Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.” (Job 1:20-22 NASB).

That’s right, Job worshipped God at the same time that he tore his robe and shaved his head, which were outward signs of deep grief and mourning. He didn’t pretend to feel happy or “put on a happy face”, but instead he showed the world that he was sad, and then he praised the Lord, neither sinning or blaming God for the deaths of his children. Both of these facts, Job’s appearance of mourning and his immediate worship of God, show me that it is okay (“not sin”) to cry, and to let others see me crying. It also shows me that the first thing I should do after any sort of bad news is to simply praise the LORD.

Others in the Bible who worshipped the Lord during some sort of tragedy include King David, King Hezekiah, Paul and Silas. See the verses below:

King David’s praise during troubled times:
Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God. (Psalm 43:11 NASB)

King Hezekiah’s actions after hearing that Judah was being invaded:
And when King Hezekiah heard it, he tore his clothes, covered himself with sackcloth and entered the house of the LORD. (II Kings 19:1 NASB)

Paul and Silas’ actions after being beaten and thrown into jail:
But about midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns of praise to God. (Acts 16:25a NASB)

#2—READING GOD’S WORD

In Psalm 19:8 (NASB) King David tells us “The precepts of the LORD are right, rejoicing the heart; The commandment of the LORD is pure, enlightening the eyes.” Throughout many of the Psalms, I read about the many benefits of reading God’s Word, but especially in Psalm 119 I see many reasons for staying in the Word. Sometimes David calls the Bible God’s law, statutes, precepts, or commandments. Here are just a few of the verses from Psalm 119 (NASB) that specifically tell what the Word will do for me during times of trouble:

Your word I have treasured in my heart, That I may not sin against You (v. 11)
Even though princes sit and talk against me, Your servant meditates on Your statutes (v. 23)
My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word (v. 28)
Incline my heart to Your testimonies and not to dishonest gain .(v. 36)
Behold, I long for Your precepts; Revive me through Your righteousness. (v. 40)
This is my comfort in my affliction, That Your word has revived me (v. 50)
The arrogant utterly deride me, Yet I do not turn aside from Your law. (v. 51)
The cords of the wicked have encircled me, But I have not forgotten Your law (v. 61)
The arrogant have forged a lie against me; With all my heart I will observe Your precepts (v. 69)
It is good for me that I was afflicted, That I may learn Your statutes. (v. 71)
May the arrogant be ashamed, for they subvert me with a lie;
But I shall meditate on Your precepts (v. 78)
They almost destroyed me on earth, But as for me, I did not forsake Your precepts. (v. 87)
If Your law had not been my delight, Then I would have perished in my affliction. (v. 92)

Get the picture? I’m barely over half way through chapter 119, and just look at all the situations in which God’s Word is the source of strength, revival or protection! Just from these few verses I can see that the Word covers a variety of tough situations, including: sin, gossip (princes talking against me, v. 23), grief, dishonesty, a need for revival, affliction, arrogance, wickedness, lies, and destruction. Whew! I know that in my own life I have always returned to God’s Word during times of trial, knowing the strength it provides to me. But perhaps more importantly, is that I now study God’s Word during ALL times, good and bad, so that when the bad times come, I remember what I’ve read and let the Word “do its job” in my life.



How are you doing so far with all of this information? Can you really believe that worshipping God and believing His Word can really help in whatever situation you are in? I can tell you that at times you won’t feel assured that these things are true, but in time you will know that they are true if you endure to the end and don’t give up on God’s power. The final two things that I learned from God’s Word sound more like a Caribbean vacation advertisement (rest and rely) than an answer to trouble, but I know that when put into practice, they offer more peace than any sort of worldly “R&R”.

#3 REST

The Bible shows that physical rest is important especially during times of grief, because without proper physical rest, our ability to emotionally handle any problem is greatly compromised. A good example of this is when Elijah was running away from Jezebel, who was trying to kill him after his great victory on Mount Carmel. Elijah was on the run, and was fearful and depressed to the point that he actually asked God to take his life. When he made this request, the Lord sent an angel to minister to Elijah so that he would eat, drink, and rest before he continued his journey. In fact the angel told Elijah in I Kings 19:7 (NASB) to "Arise, eat, because the journey is too great for you."

What does the idea of a physical rest have to do with me and my day to day feelings of sadness? Well, it just comes down to good old-fashioned horse sense that tells me to get regular, healthy rest. It doesn’t take much to figure out that on the nights I don’t rest enough, the next day becomes a day filled with small problems that suddenly look insurmountable, and my emotions run wild. Haven’t you ever come to the end of a stressful, tearful day, thinking that things will never work out, only to get a good night’s rest and wake up the next morning wondering what in the world had you so weepy the night before? EVERYTHING can be dealt with on a much more rational basis after a good night’s sleep!

The fourth commandment tells us to keep the Sabbath day by resting from any physical work. In Isaiah, the blessings received from this rest are spelled out:

“If because of the Sabbath, you turn your foot from doing your own pleasure on My holy day, And call the Sabbath a delight, the holy day of the LORD honorable, And honor it, desisting from your own ways, From seeking your own pleasure and speaking your own word, Then you will take delight in the LORD, And I will make you ride on the heights of the earth; And I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father, For the mouth of the LORD has spoken." (Isaiah 58:13-14 NASB)

This passage shows that not only does rest give us physical benefits, but if done in a manner to honor God by not seeking our own pleasure, then we will take delight in the LORD. He will then be able to better take care of us. God wants us to take time out of our busy, selfish schedules to just rest in His care. He wants to give us the ultimate rest in His love when we choose to believe in Him. In Hebrews chapter three and four, God shows that those who don’t believe in Him will not enter into this rest, but it is reserved only for those who do believe:

And to whom did He swear that they would not enter His rest, but to those who were disobedient? So we see that they were not able to enter because of unbelief.
(Hebrews 3:18-19 NASB)

For we who have believed enter that rest,. . . . So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God. For the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His. Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest, so that no one will fall, through following the same example of disobedience.
(Hebrews 4:3a, 9-11 NASB)





#4—RELY

The last thing to do is to do nothing. What I mean by that is to not rely on your own strength, but to let God work in you. True restoration of joy can only come from the Holy Spirit:

Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit.
(Psalm 51:11-12 NASB)
But the fruit of the Spirit is . . . joy. . . (Galatians 5:22a NASB)

You also became imitators of us and of the Lord, having received the word in much tribulation with the joy of the Holy Spirit (I Thessalonians 1:6 NASB)

We can do nothing without God in us! II Corinthians 13:4 (NASB) tells us: “For indeed He was crucified because of weakness, yet He lives because of the power of God. For we also are weak in Him, yet we will live with Him because of the power of God directed toward you.” The harder we try to be joyful through our own devices, the more miserable we can become. Don't force it, (or FAKE IT!) but just rest in the Lord's arms (Matt.11:28-30) and seek His face through prayer (worship) and Scripture (His Word). My prayer for you is found in Romans 15:13 (NASB): “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”


Copyright Deanne Ruedemann 2005

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