Christian Living

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In recent weeks, some friends of mine have debated whether men are being "left behind" by many churches that fail to cater to their "manly" attributes. Many of the men said they would be more comfortable in a church that focused on softball leagues and cookouts than on unconditional love and sharing. This, then, is my proposed "solution."

The Church of the 19th Green

Welcome to the Church of the 19th Green. We are so happy to see so many men here on this rainy Sunday as we know Christ has little to offer you.

Thank God we are not the kind of church that would encourage you to abandon Internet porn sites, eschew your Friday poker night or spend the money you budgeted for golf clubs on orphans and widows.

Friends, we at the Church of the 19th Green worship a God who lets men be men. We will pray with you daily to lower your golf handicap, stave off premature baldness and enlarge your penis because, hey, we're all guys here.

For communion today we will be serving a smoky 30-year-old single-malt scotch and a hunk of pumpernickle. We know you will enjoy our music team's heavy metal rendition of "Onward Christian Soldiers."

We know you don't like to talk, so please take a minute to check a box or two on our "confession" cards, then put them in the shredder on your way out so nobody knows any of your sins.

Make sure you sign up for the church softball league, which plays every weeknight and twice on Saturdays. Don't forget to buy your raffle ticket for the two-seat Jeep Wrangler -- proceeds go to the new gymnasium. And make sure you pack your fishing rods, golf clubs, playing cards, liquor, cigars and off-color videos for the Men's Prayer Weekend.

Please excuse the appearance of our sanctuary, as the taxidermist isn't finished mounting the boar's head next to the crucifix and wood paneling isn't quite as easy to install as we were told.

Wednesday night's supper will feature slabs of half-cooked prime rib and the speaker will be Pastor Rick O'Shay who will speak on the topic: "I Got Men to Come to Church -- What Do I Do With Them Now?"

And don't forget our motto: The Church of the 19th Green -- "Where Men are Men .... and We Leave Christ on the Street."

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