Miracle Stories

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Looking out the window I can see it’s going to be another lousy day. It’s kind of cold and grey out side. I’m trying to get dressed in the dark so I can leave the house to go to work before my husband wakes up. I just can’t stand another day of arguing.


The silence and icy stares between each other are over- whelming and escape is the only thing I can think of. He already works many hours at the restaurant (double shifts) but it’s never enough time to be away from him. He doesn’t beat me or any thing like that, we have just grown apart and I’m not even sure why I married him in the first place. I know something has got to change, but I don’t know what it’s going to be. I’m contemplating suicide but I’m a chicken. I slip out the door very quietly and get in the car and drive away.


Whew, I’m in the car and I become over whelmed with anxiety. How long can I go on with no love in the house? The only thing I have to look forward to is my little dog Silk. She loves me unconditionally. I get to work early and sit in the car and cry and scream. I change the radio station because I’m tired of rock and roll. I’ve been listening to it for over 30 years and its’ just boring. I’ve been trying to listen to country music, and its okay, but it’s just not doing anything for me. I dry my eyes and go inside the building. I punch in at the time clock. Then, I fix myself some coffee and head for the bathroom to make sure the tear stains are off of my face. I go in the office that I share with 3 other people.

Eugene McPhearson is sitting there at his desk. He greets me as I sit down at my desk. I’m already exhausted and I just got here. Eugene is a nice enough guy. He seems a lot nicer since he got married; I guessed that was what had changed about him. I’m kind of envious that he is happy and still in love after being married a year. I’ve been married 5 years and I feel like life is over, already. The phone rings and it’s my job to answer it.


A half hour passed by and Deidra Williams walks in to start her shift. Deidra and Eugene go to the same church, and they started talking about the past Sunday’s service and how they enjoyed it so much. I’m feeling kind of jealous as they go on and on. But I listen intently about the service they heard and how funny and spontaneous there Pastor is. Deidra tells me she’s going to Women’s Victory Weekend. Then, I ask her what it is all about. She told me how you go away for a day and a half to a retreat. You listen to a speaker or two and try to connect with God. All I hear her say is “a retreat away from my house for a day and a half.” That sounds fantastic, a quick get away. I got excited just thinking about it. A getaway! Anything at this point is welcome. I say, “Oh! I would love to go.” She says that it costs $ 55.00 dollars. I’m deflated…as I don’t have $55.00 dollars and my hopes sink. I turn back around and my shoulders shudder. Then out of the blue, Eugene announces that he would sponsor me to go. I accepted.


I have visions of relaxing in a field and meditating while gazing off into the wild blue yonder. I can’t wait, the days pass. I announced to my husband, “I’m going to a retreat” and he seems kind of jealous. I don’t care. I’m getting a way and that is all that I can think of. It’s mostly an indulgence for my self, but may be I’ll attempt to pray for our marriage.


The plan is to leave after work on Friday and come back Saturday. Deidra and Eugene’s wife, Paula, are going to meet and then drive to my house. Then, we will all ride together to Pass Christian, Mississippi to a dorm type setting.


We arrived late. I’m trying to smoke one last cigarette as I haul my luggage down the street to the admittance office. Out of breathe, and more than a little embarrassed that I can’t go an hour and a half with out a cigarette, I didn’t even have a chance to smoke the whole thing. Then, there was no place to throw the butt away.


We got to the meeting room and everyone was there; their hands were up in the air, they were singing and praising the Lord. I’m not totally unfamiliar with this. I’ve gone to church with my brother and this is the standard practice at his church. I had my cigarettes in my pocket and I’m thinking “when will we get out of here so I can get a smoke before we go to bed?” I started to relax and try to get into the music and just let go. Pretty soon the music stopped and a speaker got up. She started to pray for every one. I can feel my emotions come to the surface. I’m starting to get that ache in my throat; tears are starting to come to my eyes. Then, the prayer is over. I haven’t been here 30 minutes and I’m already a mess. I just wanted a smoke and to go to bed... “Where is that field and the wild blue yonder I’m going to meditate in?” The speaker is a pretty lady and with a beautiful aura around her, it feels peaceful to listen to her. She starts off with a poem about clay. It’s started to get pretty deep and by the time she finished I was in tears again. I prayed, “Mold me Lord, change me Lord, and conform me Lord.” I decide to be open and transparent like Diane said. As soon as I made that decision the scripture popped into my head “you can’t serve two masters”. I tried to think of what I’m serving as I fumble with the cigarettes in my pocket and my addiction comes to the foreground. The cigarettes are my master. I looked around the room for a garbage can. I didn’t see one. I felt like if I didn’t get rid of these cigarettes in the next twenty seconds I will loose my resolve. I saw a girl sitting at the table where the name tags and room keys are held. She watched me as I searched for something. I ask her if she had a garbage can under her desk. She says no; so, I took the cigarettes and slid them across the table to her and plead with her to take these awful things away from me. She smiled and reached out and took them from me. I felt relief and turned to go back to my chair. Deidra and Paula didn’t have a clue of what had just transpired. Diane announced that we would be breaking into small groups. I realized that I’m not going to be with my friends and I felt panic. I didn’t know what was going to happen next as I stood in the middle of the room. Everyone else is dragging their chairs around the room to their group. I asked a few people what their numbers are and a woman points me in the right direction. I sit my purse down and pull up a chair. I grab the tissue box and pull a few out and stick them in my pocket. I’m thinking to my self about my pledge to be transparent.


Our small group leader introduces herself as Therese. She had a nice quite voice and a sense of calm comes over me as she asks each one of us our names. We went around the circle and told our names. Therese thought someone was missing, so we wait for her a minute. I looked around the circle and wondered what each one us had in common with the other. We waited a little while longer and then we got started without the missing girl. The first girl named Brandy was beautiful and I wondered how anything could be wrong in her life. As she started to talk, it took her a few minutes to really open up, and the things I heard were so sad that I started to cry. I looked at her in a different light now, as I realized that her troubles were something I couldn’t even comprehend. She’s so brave to utter all the words and now she’s even more beautiful to me than ever.


The next woman started to talk and she says how she’s not a crier and I got offended because I’ve been crying since I sat in the chair. I start to get impatient because I’m ready to start talking, or really ready to place blame on others for all of my problems. Then, I saw how hard it was for this woman to open up and she was struggling to get everything out. She beats-around-the-bush and finally it comes out. I found compassion for her I didn’t think I had because my feelings were still hurt.


The woman that was missing came in. Her name was Judy and she was so sick but she was there anyway. She told a story that is surely a miracle, but I didn’t recognize it yet. She had the same name as someone else and she received a phone call to come to Women’s Victory Weekend, but she did not even belong to Church of the King. However, she decided to come anyway; the phone call was a fluke. Even though she was so sick, this would not stop her because she needs this so badly. I felt a connection with her because she has husband problems much like my own. Unlike me, she takes responsibility for her actions and her part of the problems.


Finally, it’s my turn to talk. I start talking and blaming my husband for all my problems. Also on my mind was my son, who was in jail at that very moment. I was so ashamed that I could hardly talk about it. Of course, I’m crying, but I never really opened up completely but, it is more than I have ever admitted to anyone. I’ve had secrets all of my life. Slowly, I started to reveal myself as much as I could stand to say. “Transparency,” that word keeps coming at me. As I let go I’m exhausted. I don’t care anymore and the flood gates open up and I start to spew out everything I can think of. But I held on to a few little secrets. I have held them for so long that I didn’t even realize they exist anymore. My mind is reeling with all the information I have just heard from all the other women. I looked around at each one and comprehended that I had something in common with each one of these women.


We broke up the circle and we were the last group to go back to our rooms. I got my luggage, purse, and pillow and head out the door. I had another pack of cigarettes, but I didn’t stop to open them because it’s so late. Everyone is gone. I went the long way around to my room and let myself in.


There were 3 other women in the room and they were all ready for bed. I still had to fill out the paper listing of all the different kinds of sins I’d been a part of (4 pages to be exact.) I felt more comfortable because Paula was there. I started to fill out the paper and I laughed about different things written on it… like, I didn’t know Yoga was a sin, and other non- descript things. Then, it started to get pretty serious as I went over all of the things I have to check off. I almost can’t do it because I will have to open up and reveal my secrets. But I am thinking, “My life will never change if I don’t surrender and be transparent.” There’s that word again!


Everyone in the room quieted down and I began to concentrate on the awful things I have to admit to myself. I start to cry again. I tried to be quiet as I finished up with my paperwork. I cry silently I hope. I change my clothes and got into bed. I cried myself awake. All the sins of my life and secrets I’d been carrying around were so heavy. I tried to blame my husband for everything and I had to admit that I am my own worst enemy. “My son is in jail and I’m a terrible mother.” Finally, around 4:30am, I fell asleep.


I woke up first and became conscious of how badly I smelled of cigarettes. I got into the shower and I cried and I didn’t have to hold it all in. I yelled to God to let the healing begin! “Let the healing begin! I’m ready, Lord.” I laugh at myself for having the audacity to think that God cared about me when there are so many other issues in the world. I thought about the lady that talked after me in the group last night. She had some rare cancer and she may not be here next month. But, she still loved God now more than ever. Even with everything she was going through, she felt blessed. I felt like I didn’t stand a chance to have any of my prayers answered.


I went outside while everyone else was getting ready. “This would be the perfect time to have a smoke,” and I still have one pack in my purse; but, I decide not to and I really didn’t have the craving --which was strange. The girls were starting to come out of the room and it was time for breakfast. Thank goodness because I was starved.


We got to the meeting room and found our seats. It began with a prayer, more singing, and I started to get into the music. It was so up-beat. I felt happy for the first time since I’d been here. “A little emotional baggage is lifted today and I don’t know why.” The singing stopped and a speaker was introduced. She told of the tragedies in her life as a child and young adult. She talked of healing past wounds and I started to cry. “Here’s another strong woman and I wonder where she gets her strength to go on?” Her surrender to a higher power is amazing to me. She talked about comfort, love and trust; some things I know nothing about. I discover that my trials have not been as bad as hers and I’m ashamed to have been complaining and thought of how I should be grateful.


“Who are you?” is the next topic. A child of God, forgiven, casting cares on Jesus, an heir of God, spiritual blessings. These are just some of the topics that I heard and started to feel alive and have hope for myself, my marriage and my son. We listened to a tape of Jesus being beaten and I almost couldn’t take it; I wanted to leap out of my chair and scream stop!!! I just shook my head and start to cry. Beautiful Diane with the aura of light surrounding her started to tell us how we are forgiven and healed by Jesus’s stripes. She talked about over-coming obstacles and the devil on a daily basis and believing by faith and not by sight. Casting down vain imaginations and exercising your authority. I was starting to get it and I felt almost powerful like I would be able to make a difference in my marriage and my life.


We broke into small groups and I listened intently. Therese spoke on different subjects, like being forgiven and releasing people from past hurts. She talked about the sin of rejection and I didn’t even know that was a sin. But as it turns out, I had it all over me. The first thing I had to do was to forgive and release the girl from last night. When she said she was not a crier, I thought she was pointing a finger at me. When I saw this about myself, I had to laugh because she probably didn’t even notice me. She has her own problems. Therese handed out index cards with scriptures on them that pertained to each one of us. We got to speak again and I stopped blaming my husband for all my problems and focused on me. Now, I understand that’s why we are here. Fix yourself first, that is the starting place. I get it! I get it! There were index cards in our chairs and we were to write our burdens on them and leave them at the cross that is at the front of the room. We marched up to the front with our cards and laid them at the foot of the cross. As we walk away they handed us a nail that was so huge, with a blood stained tip. I tried to imagine the pain that Jesus suffered for me and I still couldn’t believe I could be forgiven, and that he loves me that much!


We broke for lunch. When I went back to the front door, one of the girls in my small group was smoking a cigarette. I slipped in and tried not to think about the opportunity to smoke, although I really didn’t have the craving, just a habit that I had to learn to break. It didn’t even occur to me that this was a miracle in itself. I think I’m operating under my own will power; not even understanding that God is sustaining me and blocking my regular thoughts.


I walked in the room and there were all the cards with our burdens on them at the foot of the cross and I reach into my purse and pull out my unopened pack of cigarettes and laid them down at the cross and walked back to my chair. Now everybody in my small group and in the dorm room knew I was trying to stop smoking so they saw them and they came and asked me if those are my cigarettes? I tell them “yes those are mine.” They high five me and thumbs up and hug me and tell me that they will pray for me. At this point, I grasp that it is all God and I have not done this without his power. The release of the bondage of cigarettes is a new found freedom and my strength to put behind me other sins is in Gods hands, and all I have to do is surrender. I’m so grateful He is with me, I started to cry but now it is tears of joy and happiness. I was excited for a new start in life.


We had another speaker. I was mesmerized by her and she was so powerful and funny at the same time. As we go through our booklet the divine exchange moves me profoundly. We broke for dinner and came back to burn the four pages out of the booklet. The release of those sins as they were taken up in the smoke and I don’t have to think about them anymore was great. Generational sins, I had no idea I had to conquer, are gone-- never to be a burden to me again. Next is the prayer of renouncement and the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. I wonder can this happen for me?


We broke into small groups again and by now these women are like sisters to me and I don’t want to leave them but I know it’s almost time to say good bye. We talked a little while and I told Therese that I have always thought of God as this far-away spirit, like a cloud or a mist, and I could never relate to Him. She told me something so insightful to me I started to cry all over again. God is my father. He wants me to call Him Abba father. He’s in love with me. He has waited so patiently for me all this time. He would have sent Jesus even if I was the only one to save. I am precious to Him. I can come to Him like a child. She said close your eyes and I will describe to you what you should see. Now imagine Him sitting in a chair and you come to kneel at his feet. You climb into his lap and put your arms around Him and hug Him. He hugs you back and you kiss Him on the neck. You rest your head on His shoulder and tell Him how much you love Him and He tells you how much He loves You. He pats your head and squeezes you and rubs your head and your shoulders and your muscles that were so tense before start to relax and you let go and feel His peace surround you. You sing songs and laugh together and love one another and it’s so precious. At that moment I start to feel a love so wonderful I just start to giggle and tears of happiness flow. For the first time I’m not embarrassed of them, and I just go for the moment into my self. We laid hands on each other and prayed for the Holy Spirit to come and live in us. Everyone got up to leave and we were so rapped up into what we were doing that I almost forgot that people are waiting for me. As I said good bye, I didn’t know if I would ever see these women again. I was just grateful to have been a part of their lives, even if only for a little while.


Women’s Victory Weekend has changed my life in so many ways. My marriage has been restored. My husband has changed jobs so we can spend more time together. I have gotten to know the girls in my small group better as each week passes. I’m in Maturity 201 right now and have been through Membership 101 and the Newcomers dinner. It’s been almost two and a half months since I quit smoking. I give God all the glory!!! I could not have done it without him. I thank Eugene for the spirit moving him to sponsor me. It was a gift of more than money. I could never repay. Saying Thank-You Eugene is never going to be enough. If you ever wondered if Women’s Victory Weekend was worth all the time and energy that it takes to put it on, I am here to tell you that I am so grateful! My life and my marriage are a blessing and I would never have realized how important both are. I know my husband is happier and we pray together every morning and every night. He even started coming to church with me. We are setting our goals down on paper, as a couple. We now have a vision of what our lives can be.


Thanks to Church Of The King. This is now My Church. My family and friends. I’ve chosen a small group that walks on the lake front so I can get healthy and then we have bible study. I can’t wait to do the 301class, and then ENLI bible study. I’m ready to grow as a Christian and be the person that God has planned for me to be from the beginning! I look forward to the blessings to come into my life. I know there will be trying times in the future, that is part of life but, I won’t have to walk alone. My Lord, My king. My Savior is with me; never to forsake me.

(c) 5/28/05

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