Healing

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The warmth has faded now that the sun has set. The sky is dark and the scent of an early spring day still lingers on the evening breeze. It seems near perfect and my life feels in sink with the renewal of the season, yet it sends my thoughts on a journey of pondering the events that have led up to this night.

It was only a few years ago that my life was in turmoil. My past had caught up with me and I had found myself very lost and hopeless. Years of depression and suicidal thoughts coupled with unfortunate events such as rape and bad relationships had taken their toll on me.

I actually got saved at about 5 years old. I remember the day very well. I was raised in a church full of life and the truth and love of God. Despite it all, I found myself at the bottom of a very cold and lonely pit surrounded by thick miserable walls that were as impossible to traverse as they were to penetrate.

I quit running away and turned back toward God eventually and ended up going through two years of what I fondly call rehabilitation. With the help of a good friend to support and guide me, and a lot of time spent praying and reading the Bible I found my new life.

There were many tears and days that I was sure I would never make it through. I can’t tell you how many times I wondered if I would ever see light at the end of the tunnel, but eventually I did. It is only looking back now that I realize the daily common thread through my story. It is love.

Many times through my two years of rehab I thought I was beginning to get a grip on the latest root or stronghold God was working on in me and I would pray, “Ok, Lord, now that we have tackled that, what is the subject for this week?” His simple response would be, “No new subject this week.”

Oh the frustration I felt at such an answer yet still there would be roots to be pulled and walls to tear down and hours of pain. I vividly remember, almost to the point of reliving, the feeling of my heart and my chest wanting to implode with the waves of weeping for the emptiness inside. Still I would hear “ No new subject this week.”

Only now do I realize that despite the ongoing reconstruction in my heart there still was only one subject. He loves me.

He loves me and that was why He took me through the gut wrenching renovation I was undergoing. He loves me and He told me so. Everyday. Every hour. Sometimes every minute. He did it because He wanted to. He did it because He knew I needed Him to. He did it because He would do anything for me to know He meant it.

He loves me and that is what He proved to me.

I am a person who loves to learn new things and I have a tendency to get bored quite easily, so it was not easy for me to have the same subject week in and week out. I learned one thing though. That subject week in and week out was exactly what gave me hope.

Hope for better things and new adventures with every passing day. Hope for new lessons and broader horizons around every turn. The reality of dreams come true and new dreams taking shape. Hope in the hard times and hope in the pain.

Just because He kept telling me there is no new subject this week, I learned His love for me and I began to trust Him to direct me down paths I would have never taken on my own. Now here I am today, happily married to a man I thought I would never find. Living in a house that was always just out of my grasp, and surrounded by family I cherish and friends I adore. Best of all I know who I am and I’m comfortable with who I am because I know He loves me the way I am.

Somehow I don’t mind that there is no new subject this week.

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