Politics

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The Liberal and The Rabbit
by Dan Blankenship


It was one of those perfect summer days that the Liberal entered the forest preserve. The sun’s rays were unobstructed, and the gentle breeze kept the temperature at a comfortable level. The Liberal spread out his blanket and set his picnic basket down, unpacking the feast he had prepared. His sweetheart would be joining him after she returned from having her bicycle repaired. He was looking forward to here arrival.

Unpacking the last of the vegetarian spread, the Liberal noticed a rabbit hopping by a thicket. “I have some carrots over here, little fella!” the Liberal jokingly called out to the hopping animal.

“Excuse me?” the rabbit responded, causing the Liberal to nearly choke on the nectarine he was eating.

“You can talk?”

“Yes, I can talk,” the rabbit replied. “Now can you repeat what you just said?”

“Sure, I said I have some carrots over here, if you want them.”

“No, I don’t believe I do. I’ll find my own food if that’s okay with you.”

“Wow, touchy little mammal, aren’t ya?” the Liberal fired back.

The rabbit hopped a little closer to the Liberal and asked, “You’re one of those liberals, aren’t you?”

“Why yes, yes I am. And very proud of it too, I might add. How can you tell?”

“You really want to know?” the rabbit asked, nervously looking around to see if anyone was listening to his words.

“Yes,” the Liberal replied, “I really want to know how you knew I was a liberal.”

“Okay, here’s the scoop. When I was just a little bunny, my mama warned me about your kind.”
“My kind?” the shocked Liberal replied.

“Yes, your kind. My mama told me that there was an entire group of humans dedicated to making all animals dependent on them, starting with other humans first, of course. She warned me that after the liberal humans had conquered their own species, they would move on to others.”

The Liberal jumped up from his picnic blanket, red with anger, and screamed at the rabbit, “That is the most ridiculous, preposterous, and silly accusation I have ever heard.”

“That’s just what my mama told me a liberal would say if I told them what she said.”

“And where is your mama right now? I’d like a word with her!”

“I’m afraid that is impossible, sir.”

“And why is that? I would very much like to confront this mama of yours who believes liberals are anything but caring people, dedicated to making the world a better place.”

“My mama is dead, sir, killed by a liberal.”

“I don’t believe it! That’s impossible. A liberal has never killed anyone. We don’t believe in violence of any kind. We oppose all wars, we oppose the death penalty, and we even oppose the murder of unborn children, unless of course the mother decides it’s in her best interest to kill the child.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean a liberal actually clubbed my mother to death or anything. It wasn’t that simple. It was a complex murder, it was.”

“Okay, that’s the last straw, Peter Cottontail! I want to know exactly how a liberal murdered your mama, and I want to know right now! Do you hear me, you little neo-conservative, Woodchuck burrowing, and overpopulating little Thumper? Tell me right now how a liberal took you mama’s life.”

“Hmmm, to make a long story short, a liberal noticed my mama limping by a thicket. The liberal captured my mama and made all his liberal friends watch him nurse my mama’s leg, which wasn’t really hurt badly at all, back to health. The liberal fed my mama for three months, kept her in his backyard, away from the wild, and basically made her dependent on him. When the liberal finally tired of showing off his good deed to all of his liberal friends, he released my mama back into the wild.”

“And then what?” the Liberal asked.

“Well my mother had not had to use her sense of smell or any defense mechanism for three months. Her foot had not been hurt at all. She was just trying to work out a cramp when the liberal captured her. She had put on a great deal of weight from the constant feeding and lack of real exercise, so when the liberal brought her back to the preserve she didn’t stand a chance.”

“Just tell me what happened, will ya!”

“A wolf ate her.”

“So you admit it. It was not a liberal that murdered your mother, it was a wolf.”

“Yes, the same wolf that my mama had successfully escaped day after day before the liberal intervened.”

“Nevertheless, it was indeed the wolf that killed your mama, not the liberal,” the Liberal proudly proclaimed.

“Yes, I guess a liberal would see it that way,” the rabbit replied. “And I would have to assume that if the carrot you’ve offered had poison in it, and I died shortly after eating it, you’d again find no fault in your actions. It was the poison that killed me, not the good intentions.

“Don’t be silly. Why would I give you a poison carrot?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t. I was just making a making a point. To a liberal, motive is everything, results rarely play into the big picture.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Never mind that my mama’s death came about from her dependence on outside sources and her inability to negotiate the cruel reality of the world the way it truly exist. It is the good intentions, the nurturing and altruistic behavior so prevalent in the liberal mindset that matters.”

“Okay, I was a little freaked out when you first started talking, a little upset when you started bashing liberals, but now your using words like altruistic. What gives?”

The rabbit motioned for the Liberal to follow him to his nest. As the two came closer to the rabbit’s home, the Liberal heard a voice he recognized, a terrible and hideous voice, a voice he had despised for many years. It was coming from a transistor radio right next to the rabbit’s nest, and gathered around the radio, listening to every spoken word, was a group of some twenty animals. Four robins were perched on a tree limb just above the radio. Three raccoons were standing up on their hind legs, ears cocked to hear the man talking through the small speaker. A squirrel even seemed to be taking notes. The Liberal was horrified! The animals were listening to Rush Limbaugh! The Liberal screamed and turned to run. The rabbit announced to the other animals that there was a liberal amongst them. The Liberal continued to run, screaming, tears running down his face, fear and loathing pulsing through his veins. The animals were almost upon him. He saw a cliff with a river down below. It was his only escape. He jumped.

“Nooooooooooooooo!” he yelled at the top of his lungs as he plunged towards the water. And at the last second, just before his body was to be whisked away by the rapids, he felt a gentle hand rubbing his face and his name being called over and over again.

“Al, Al, wake up. You were having a bad dream. You must have fallen asleep while you were waiting for me to get here.”

Al lifted his head up a little and stared at his girlfriend. “It was terrible, Susan, absolutely terrible! There was a talking rabbit and the animals were all listening to….”

“Listening to what, honey.”

“Nothing…I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Would a carrot make you feel better, dear?”

“No!” the Liberal yelled, waving his hands and knocking the carrot out Susan’s hand, sending the orange spike sailing through the air.

The two of them watched as a rabbit made its way out of the thicket to retrieve the stray carrot. They were both stunned to see the rabbit use its mouth to toss the carrot back to them. And when the Liberal looked down at the carrot, he was aghast to see the letters E.I.B. gnawed into the vegetable.

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