Humor

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Hello, my name is Helga Boehrer. If you have any questions about the publishing industry, feel free to send me an email. Please do not submit questions that have nothing to do with publishing. This is not a prayer request line or a gossip column. Junk emails will be deleted. If you continue to send me unwanted junk mail I will have your email address permanently blocked…Trust me I’ve blocked hundreds. Please don’t test me. I am not in the mood!

How do I submit my manuscript to you... ?

[First of all...I do not accept unsolicited manuscripts. I accept query letters
only. If you can't write a letter, you can't write a book. Typos and other
obvious errors will land your manuscript into the dumpster.]

I sent my query letter several months ago....What is the status ?

[I receive numerous query letters by mail and email. If you haven't heard a
response from my staff or myself by now it was probably rejected.]

Why do my manuscripts get rejected... ?

[Probably because it wasn't any good. Everyone wants to be a writer
now-a-days. New authors need to realize that no one deserves to be
published. It's a privilege to be a published author. Those who are published
have worked very hard and long. It may take years and years and years and
years before one gets published. There are no short cuts. Rome wasn't built
in a day you know.]

I would like to know if you have received my marketing kit idea? I want to
thank you for accepting my query... Along with my manuscript I sent sketch
ideas for my book cover, a marketing plan and a press release.

[Just because we accepted your query doesn't mean that you are approved.
Your manuscript has to be accepted first. As far as the sketch ideas and
marketing plan ideas they were probably tossed out along with the rest of the
unwanted junk mail. Our publishing company has a well trained staff that
handles cover art design and the marketing plan. Your job as a potential
author is to write. ]

I have a degree in marketing. I think I have some good ideas for my book
that will help boost sales. I also took some illustration classes at F.I.T. in
New York. I have 3 sketch ideas included in my marketing kit.

[Which part of 'just because we accepted your query letter doesn't mean that
you have been accepted' are you having trouble understanding?" Let me
break it down to you...If we review your manuscript and we feel that it is
appropriate for our publishing house then will you receive a letter by mail. In
the event that you are accepted we will take care of the marketing
campaign...okay? If you are so interested in marketing why don't you get a
job in that field. The question is are you an author or a marketing major...you
can't be both. Anyway, if accepted...we'll contact you.]

I don't think I like your attitude. I was just making some good suggestions.
I'm not indecisive about my career. I'm a writer who happens to be
business savvy. I spent a lot of time and money on presenting a
professional presentation in the form of a marketing kit. I just wanted to
know if you have received it... I mailed it a week ago.

[Please stop harassing me. You have to give someone else a chance to ask
questions. If accepted...we'll contact you.]

I'm 86 years young. I have 25 grandchildren who would like to see their
grandmother's novel on the book shelf at the bookstore. I would like to
become a published author before I die. How can an old lady like myself
get published ... ?

[It's every writers dream to walk into a bookstore café and see their novels on
a shelf. To autograph copies of one's novel to readers. Everyone wants to be
somebody important: a doctor, lawyer, pastor, singer, actor or actress, or a
published author. I said that it takes years and years and years and years.
What it all boils down to is...If you haven't been published by now you may
never be...Happy Trails.]


I have been writing for 14 years and I'm still not published. Why do agents
reject so many manuscripts. Most of the agents and editors that I have
associated with seem to have major chips on their shoulders. Why do they
have their noses so high up in the air?

[Why do authors have chips on their shoulders? Note: Agents dislike writers
who act like they're more important than they really are. Rule #1, don't insult
my intelligence. If I rejected your manuscript, it's not what I'm looking for. You
may think and want to believe that your God's gift to readers...in reality you
may not be.]

Please email me your questions. Don't expect me to answer each and every email submitted. I'm a very busy woman. Emails with typos and other obvious errors will be deleted.

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