Politics

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Headlines From The Future:
by Dan Blankenship

The Daily Grabel Review
February 17, 2045

Inside today’s Review

Top Headlines and Brief Summaries

Congress Votes on Legislation to Limit Marriage Partners to Thirty or Less

Congressman David Kaples-Smith-Varney-Macknell-Harper-Toadsdale expressed outrage and called the bill, "An attempt to stifle a person’s freedom of expression and ability to truly love as many people as they wish." After explaining how proud he was of his thirty same-sex parents, he added “Are we ready to move back to the dark days of one man and one woman heading up a household?” Gasps could be heard throughout the House floor.


Supreme Court Upholds Conviction of Mississippi Man Who Cut Down Magnolia Tree

Doug Maplemap will continue to serve his twenty-year sentence for cutting down a Magnolia tree that had busted through his living room floor. “It was destroying my house. I never dreamed this would be the result of trying to save my home.” President Justin Timberlake had little sympathy for Mr. Maplemap, commenting, “The days of violence against nature are finished. I have informed Attorney General Kirsten Dunst to show no mercy to those who would terrorize the environment.”


Kansas City Police Raid Underground Homeschooling Cult

Police Chief Herb Rattlehead held a news conference Wednesday evening. He appeared shaken and disturbed as he addressed the more than 400 reporters gathered outside his office. “I never dreamed something like this would be going on in my own city,” he said. “I thought we had eliminated these nonconformists in the early twenties. This group may have actually performed the Pledge of Allegiance before each meeting,” the clearly shaken Chief commented before collapsing into the arms of his husband who was standing nearby for moral support. Another officer commented that the department was a little more upbeat after finding no indication that the group participated in any unregulated Bible study


Automobile Fatalities Reduced To Zero

The National Auto Safety Association reported the first year without a single automobile death. TNASA President Jelly Harper-Hamiln attributed the good report to the fact that so few cars are on the road today. “With gas prices at seventy-five dollars a gallon and solar cars only averaging 15 MPH, we have seen the number of fatalities decrease year after year. In fact, last year’s only death was when a driver crashed into one of our tollbooths. Apparently, the driver did not have the forty-five dollar toll and crashed while trying to maneuver around the toll.”

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