Marriage

We Can't Communicate

by J.W. Phillips
02/22/25
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We Can't Communicate!

When reading the title of this article, do you recall hearing these words before? Or speaking these words before?

There are three signs which indicate that a marriage is in trouble: the lack of touch, talk, and time. And usually, all three do the disappearing act together.

If the conversations have virtually ceased in your marriage, or perhaps have become little more than monosyllabic, giving attention to this concern is warranted.

Wives, instead of murmuring about that conversationally constipated creature you married, be open to learn why this may happen.

Causes for Communication Concerns
There are several contributing factors that set up our communication problems. One has to do with gender differences.

In their book, The Language of Love, Gary Smalley and John Trent have drawn from Dr. Richard Restak's book, The Brain, and Robert Goy's book, Sexual Differentiation of the Brain, to give at least a partial explanation of why the genders are conversationally challenged.

Medical studies have shown that between the eighteenth and twenty sixth week of pregnancy, something happens that forever separates the sexes.

Using heat-sensitive color monitors, researchers have actually observed a chemical bath of testosterone and other sex related hormones wash over a baby boy's brain. This causes changes that never happen to the brain of a baby girl. Among other things, this chemical difference affects speech.

Researchers discovered from a study of preschool children that every sound out of a preschool girl's mouth was an understandable, recognizable word.

However, this wasn't true of the boys of the same age. Almost one third of the utterances from their mouths weren't words at all.

These were the sounds of cars, trucks, planes, and animals—sounds of motion, sounds of crashing, sounds of minimal communication such as "ah" or "umm." These male speech limitations, though their characteristics change, do get transported into adult years.

According to Smalley and Trent, “... the average man speaks roughly 12,500 words a day. In contrast, the average woman speaks more than 25,000!”

Typically, most men have exhausted their quota before they ever get home. Whereas the stay-at-home mom, who hasn't seen an adult all day long, has scarcely drawn from her quota. This sets up the obvious problem, a wife who wants to talk and a husband who doesn't.

Another conversational challenge married couples face stems from the fact that men tend to be more left brain oriented: seeking to assimilate facts, analyze problems and formulate solutions.

Women tend to be more right brain oriented, possessing an antenna that picks up feelings, intuitions, and other intangibles important to a relationship.

Therefore, whenever a wife starts to share with her husband some problem she encountered during the day, his left-brain mind-set is aggressively looking (rescuer that he is) for a solution.

And upon discovering this solution, he will then enthusiastically jump into the conversation, lay it all out. So neat! Logical flawless! Exceedingly brilliant!

But she's still wanting to talk about the problem.

She's not looking for a solution—at least not yet. What she first wants to talk about is every dimension of her experience.

So—surprised look from him; sour look from her.

Not a great experience.

Transactional analysis offers many insights that affect conversation. One of these is the desired goal for conversations to be adult-to-adult. The "adult ego state" (for want of a better term) is one where information is given without unnecessary emoting.

By contrast, a frustrated wife may elect to speak to her husband in a "punitive-parent" way where “should” and “ought” language is employed and frowns and scowls are prominent.

Her points may be valid, but this top-down approach sabotages effective communication.

A similar approach to avoid is a “rebel child” approach where the borders of a tantrum are in view and where victimhood is announced.

Of course, the “compliant child” mode shouldn’t be selected either, where repression bottles up worthy insights.

Even if emotions quite understandably are present, sometimes it is more effective to identify an emotion without expressing it, when making the point of this conversation in the “adult” mode, briefly.

The “less is best” principle is better, especially when problem solving, long overdue, is needed.

Divorce petitions will often cite this problem, an inability to communicate, as a reason for the divorce. Indeed, so challenging is this problem, we would not be over sensationalizing to indicate the need for —

Supernatural Speech
The Bible says, the tongue, no man can tame. We can tame lions, we can tame tigers, we can tame bears; but that little member two inches beneath our nose we can’t tame, at least not naturally. There is a need for supernatural speech.

For example, Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”

Now, I ask you, could normal people do that? No, ministering grace would be out of their range. They could be gracious, perhaps, but they couldn't minister grace. God must do a work in their lives before they can do that.

Alert to this problem, those of supernatural speech will activate Proverbs 15:1: “A soft answer turns away wrath.”

An illustration of this principle can be seen in competitive ping-pong. Each player slams, slams and slams again—until both players have driven the other far from the table.

What would happen, though, if one of the players only stuck out his paddle? It would compel the other player to come in, right? And this is precisely what a soft answer will do. Instead of polarizing and repelling, it will draw people in.

A good rule of thumb is this: Whenever the issue is serious and the message needed to be given is strong, consider speaking confronting words with a soft voice, a loving face, and accepting body language. This is a "nurturing parent" mode of speech.

We can also see supernatural speech at work in the resolve to refrain from nagging. Proverbs 10:19 says, “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking; but he who restrains his lips is wise.”

One husband, complaining about this issue, said, “The trouble with my wife is that when we get into these arguments she becomes so historical.”

"Do you mean hysterical," a friend asked? "No, historical; she'll bring in all the evidence, no matter how long ago it occurred."

Some people call this “gunny sacking.” Those who do this may even scavenge the garbage to collect their little treasures to tote. But just you wait! That bag will be opened! And all its contents will be spilled!

Supernatural communication's skill includes listening. Paul Tillich, the renowned German theologian, certainly put it well when he said, “The first duty of love is to listen.”

Listen first! And listen well! The book of Proverbs declares that it is folly to answer a matter before we hear it (Proverbs 18:13).

And yet how often such folly occurs! The conversation takes a turn, certain "trigger” words are given voice and—whammo! —we react. And often overreact!

We fire missile one, missile two, missile three, before we finally discover what we're aiming at isn't even an operative target. We just assumed—and our self-life did the rest.

One of the reasons the art of listening should be constantly cultivated is due to a broader principle that should be at work: the desire to discern meaning any way we can.

Since 93% of our communications are non-verbal, the sensitive, understanding heart is so important, especially if we're wanting to avoid a disaster.

One day a third grader came home asking, “Mother, where did I come from?” This dreaded question had long been anticipated by this mother; so she proceeded to give her already prepared explanation about eggs, sperm and fertilization—which only brought a very puzzled look to her son's face.

“I don't understand,” he said. “My friend, Jimmy, said he came from Chicago, so I was wondering where I came from.”

Because we sometimes connect the wrong dots and assume a context that isn’t accurate, we can launch into a reply that isn't particularly helpful.

Another communication pitfall to avoid concerns bad timing. Proverbs 15:23 declares, "A word spoken in due season, how good it is.”

But if that other person is tired, or hungry, or maybe just had a very challenging day, we shouldn't run all the yellow lights to give our big speech anyway, just because we are so pumped to give it.

Love waits—for a more opportune time and for an increased capacity to receive that message. Remember, it was Jesus who said that he had many things to tell his disciples, but they couldn't bear it yet. So he waited.

We've scarcely mentioned all from Scripture that supplies supernatural speech. Speech is important! Our words matter. Jesus wasn't known as the Silence. He was known as the Word. Scripture itself is called the Word of God.

So before we speak our words, there's a need to be guided by God's Word.