Marriage

A Heart for Marriage

by J.W. Phillips
02/17/25
Not For Sale

  Message Writer
  Hire Writer

Tweet

A Heart for Marriage 

Dr. Carl Rogers, well known for his client-centered therapy approach, has observed that "if 50 to 75 percent of Ford or General Motors cars fell apart within the early part of their lifetimes as automobiles, drastic steps would be taken." Indeed, the best minds would be scrutinizing every failure factor, intent upon discovering not only the problems, but also the solutions.

What is so surprising about the people who first thought of marriage as an ideal, then experienced an ordeal, and now want a new deal, is that they are so willing to try again.

Undaunted by the enormous risks of failure and the resulting consequences which are then levied, Americans will rush to the altar today with little or no preparation for what they are entering into.

Addressing this concern—the lack of relationship skills necessary for marital success—authors Gary Smalley and John Trent note that “the average couple spends more than two hundred hours getting ready for the wedding service and less than three hours in any type of premarital counseling preparation.” This not so surprising statistic reflects a pattern endemic to our culture. Romance is celebrated; marriage is not.

But what possible rationale can there be for investing so many years to prepare for one’s vocation, but almost no time at all for what is really the bedrock of any civilization, marriage?

The incongruity defying explanation is this: On the one hand, the love between a man and a woman will be revered from early adolescence onward, becoming the frequent theme of many books, songs and movies. But on the other hand, our schools, churches and homes are providing almost no marital preparation at all and therefore marriage is being entered into in a double dumb, dicey way.

Dr. Dorothy Tennov has done extensive studies on the “falling in love” phenomenon and has concluded that its average life-span is about two years, perhaps a little longer if it is secretive or long distance. During this period, she says, all of the other dimensions of life will fade in significance; the only thing that matters is that the two lovers are together.

Do you remember? The twinkle of eye in dating… the rush of emotions in courtship… the smiles and tears at the wedding… the fun and bliss of the honeymoon… the joy and excitement of young married life. So why, with such a magnificent momentum blessing its beginning, must there then be so much drifting and distancing—and, in time, so much heart-wrenching anguish?

Transactional analysis speaks of more than twenty different ego state combinations for a couple, only one of which will be the driving dynamic during courtship. This dynamic will hook the two lovers into soul-mate adhesion. Based on this dynamic there will be a preponderance of pleasing, positive projections, propelling that all-important decision to marry.

However, following marriage, these other ego-state dynamics will then come out of seclusion and express themselves in a way not demonstrated before. So is it any wonder that the comment is frequently made, “This isn’t the same person I married!”? In truth, it isn’t—at least not the one experienced during the romantic obsession phase of their love.

In one sense, marital problems can be complicated. That’s why there are so many marriage books on the market—each with a different angle, each offering different analysis and different solutions.

But in another sense, marital problems aren’t as complicated as it sometimes seem. According to Scripture, the major problem is our flesh and the major solution is our new nature.

Amazingly, this biblical perspective is often overlooked, even by pastors. So let’s briefly set forth this perspective now.

 The Flesh Problem

What must loom large in our minds as we seek God's ideal for marriage is that by far and away the number one problem is self—a self which at its core is anti-marriage.

The flesh problem is so serious that marriage is going to remain more duel than duet until it is solved.

Every marriage is dealing with incompatibles, simply because the flesh, that formidable force within, is at work. One partner may inflict anguish, while the other may be absorbed in his or her wounds. But whether one shouts or pouts, the truth is—both are fixated in flesh.

Jesus said the flesh profits nothing, so we mustn't give the impression that psychological how-tos are the key to marital magic. They are not. The problem goes much deeper than that.

God has no confidence in the flesh, offers no program for its training and seeks no provision for its on-going existence. Quite often, though, the counsel given to troubled marriages will begin with relevant biblical principles—start doing this, stop doing that—even though, ironically, this isn't at all where Scripture itself begins!

Scripture deals first, not with the symptoms, but with the source. And the source of what has gone wrong in the marriage isn't the devil, the situation, or some other malicious person. It is self—a self that can repent, a self that can desire to do better, but a self that can never do what God prescribes must be done.

Nothing exposes the weaknesses of the flesh like marriage does. Despite the magnetism of heart-pumping romance, what once sizzled soon fizzled, providing an all too clear picture of what the flesh is like: It may want, it may promise, it may try and try and try again—but it just can't deliver!

The impossible enterprise of making flesh compatible must be given up. It is distressing to read these chapters authored by well-known Christian counselors on how to fight fairly in marriage. But why fight at all? Doesn't Scripture say to, “Do all things without murmuring and disputing” (Philippians 2:14)? And isn't this an absolute prohibition against all griping and arguing? So what makes us think that we are to train people to fight in some fairer more refined way?

 The Scriptural Solution

It is both inspiring and instructive that when Ephesians, chapter 4, addresses the destructive dynamics prevalent in so many marriages—bitterness, anger, malice and evil-speaking—it first tells us to “put on the new man.” Now this new man, which may also be called the new nature, was supernaturally put inside every believer at the precise moment he or she became a Christian. Indeed, the Bible makes it clear that all which represents spiritual growth must of necessity come from there.

After centuries of covenant-making and covenant-breaking during Old Testament times, it was declared through the pen of the prophet that God would solve this problem by giving man a new heart and a new spirit (Ezekiel 36:26).

So the first step to be taken—without which all succeeding steps are doomed to fail—is accessing and activating this new heart.

The flesh can't reform itself. Moreover, the self-life can't generate those qualities only the new heart can produce.

What exactly are these qualities? Well, the Bible provides a nine-point profile of the new heart when it declares in Galatians 5, verses 22 and 23, that the fruit of the Spirit (meaning our recreated spirit, the new nature) is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness and temperance.

When most people attempt to define these qualities, what they offer is usually a string of counterfeits. The real virtues are better. To give you an example of that, please read the article, “What’s Love Got to Do with It?”

If two believers living in the flow of their new nature were to get married, there wouldn't be any incompatibility. How could there be? If what is flowing from one is the very life of Jesus (Colossians 3:4), that which the Bible says is created in righteousness and true holiness (Ephesians 4:24), and if what is flowing from the other is the exact same thing, how could there be any conflict?

Think of it: What if your mate were nothing but love, joy, peace, patience, kindness and all those other manifestations of the new heart, would your marriage be greatly different than it is today? And would it really be so challenging to be married to someone like that?

Why, the very harmony of Heaven, that abiding in the Trinity, would be flowing into their marriage.

Sadly, many believers will go to their graves and scarcely experience the new nature. Why? Two reasons: 1) Because this cardinal doctrine, perhaps the most astonishing doctrine in Scripture, hasn’t been explained (please see my earlier post, “What is the New Nature?”); and 2) because the release of the new nature is often poorly explained (please see my forthcoming post, “Filled with the Spirit: The Messaging Has Been a Mess”).

In their book, Spirit Controlled Family Living, Tim and Beverly LaHaye said that after counseling more than twenty-five hundred couples they noticed that they never had to offer marriage counseling to a Spirit-filled couple. This persuaded them not to offer the kind of counseling which bogs down in problems and symptoms.

The real issue is teaching someone how to get the new heart released.