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“Hey, LORD, my therapist is back.
Well, not totally.
We can only have a zoom session next week.”
“Mozel Tov,
child.”
“Yeah.
Now I’m gonna have to spend 20 minutes of my session hearing about his back surgery.”
“It’s your session,
Mein kin`de`lah.”
“Yeah but I’m not important like his other clients,
remember? He just gets my Medicare plus
I’m only neurotic not psychotic.”
[NOD.]
“I just read another article about how Jews are lying low, and not putting their identity online right now.
Think I should go that route, and take the
Jewish-part outta my profile?”
[SILENCE.]
“On Faithwriters?”
“If it makes you feel better,
Julbie.”
“Nothin` makes me feel better.
I’m always sad about the suffering cats in the world.”
“I know,
Joach`ke`lah.”
“I could change my profile name to ‘McMichaels’?”
But then I’d sound like I had just ordered a fries, and
chicken nuggets.”
[NOD.]
“I feel freer writing under my real name.”
“But not anywhere else,
kin`de`lah.”
“We’ve already been over that, LORD.
The other name’s just………… prettier?”
“Hm, hm.”
“Can’t hide nuthin` from You,
LORD.”
“No.”
“Oh, I got back 4 hundred and ten dollars for returning the mouth guard. They kept 90 for the ‘lab work’.”
“Mozel Tov,
schliptz`kah.”
“I actually had to use some assertiveness,
LORD. That’s unusual for me. They first said I couldn’t return it but then I pulled out the receipt, and said there was nowhere on it that said the item wasn’t non-refundable. She said she would have to talk to corporate, and then get back to me. The next day they said I could get my money back withholding the 90 bucks.”
[NOD.]
“That’s pretty good for me, LORD.
Somethin` I can tell my therapist.”
“But you still grind your teeth,
child.”
“Yeah.
Well.
The problem is I couldn’t keep that damn thing in my mouth for over 15 seconds. I would just start gagging. Then I would try again five minutes later, and gag immediately. I couldn’t even wait the 15 seconds.”
[NOD.]
“I figure the grinding is Your fault.
You gave me my weak genes, and neurotic tendencies, LORD.
Plus You made me be born into an evil world with problems and misery swirling about me.
It’s a wonder I have any teeth left at all.”
“So I Am the One Who
gave you the weak genes, and woeful name,
schlup`itz`lah.”
“Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.”
[NOD.]
“And small, weak earlobes.
I’ve never been able to wear earrings.
They just slip off: right through the holes.”
[NOD.]
“It’s pitiful.
I’ve even tried sticking masking tape behind my earlobes but the earrings still slipped off.”
“Oy vez z`mir.”
“Taylor Swift can wear any earrings she wants.
You gave her some really nice genes, LORD.”
“So now the 4 hundred and ten dollars will go into your savings account,
lieb`shen.”
“Neah.
I’ll just buy extra food for the feral kitties outside.”
“Perhaps it was all
God’s Will,
child.”
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