Marriage

IDOLIZING YOUR WIFE

by GLENN PEASE
03/10/22
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 Based on Prov. 31:10-31

We are conditioned by life in our culture to be more conscious of the negative than the positive. The news is largely a focus on the negative, and we are made by the media to see life as tragic and full of accidents, murder, and endless blunders of one sort or another. You have to go against the grain to say to yourself, thank God for the millions who did not get murdered last night along with myself. Praise God for all the cars that didn't get hit. I rejoice in the millions of homes that did not burn, and for the millions of children who got home safely, and for the many businesses that did not lay people off. Good news is ten thousand times more common than bad news, but it does not make the news because news is devoted to the unusual.

What this does, however, is make us a problem conscious people, and this is a hindrance to praise, both of God and of our mates. There are dozens of things we appreciate about our mates, but like the news reporter we sniff out the real story which is the negative, the weakness, the blunder, the things that aggrevate us. The husband comes home from work and he brings home the groceries his wife asked him to pick up. But he brought home the wrong kind of beans. Now here is a wife who appreciates her husband. She appreciates his working and his willingness to go out of his way to pick up groceries along with dozens of other good points, but when she sees the wrong kind of beans, what is the news flash?
Idiot husband blows it on beans.

That is not what their life is all about at all-the kind of beans they eat. But all of the dozens of valued characteristics are pushed out of sight, and this minor blunder becomes the rock of Gibralter sitting on their kitchen counter. That is the news, and that is where we focus. Not on the 142 times he came home with exactly the right order, but this present atrocious blunder. So what if it represents a mere fraction of life? It is now the headlines for the day. She makes a federal case out of his stupidity, and he forgets all he admires about her and says she never appreciates anything he does. In seconds they have an honest to goodness news worthy conflict.

This is what news is: the unusual exalted to the level of such prominence that it dominates your consciousness. This is what people are made to do, and mates often do it for nothing. Has your mate ever said, "You never do anything to help me!" This comes right after she has asked you to pick up a piece of lint off the floor. Because you have a higher chair and a lamp in your hands you say, "I'll get it later." That lint becomes the news. It is all that matters now. The sun, the moon, the stars, and all your labor of love over the years is blotted out, and you are nothing but a non-picker up of lint. It is not all lint for all time, but that particular lint which is now the news.

What I am trying to illustrate is that as mates we become problem oriented rather than praise oriented, and this distorts our perspective so that we see life like the news. The mini-negatives stand out like an eclispe of the sun, and the maxi-positives fade into the background like a sliver of a moon. Reversing this perspective is not easy, but it is the Biblical goal, and Christians need to work at the praise perspective if they want the blessing of Christ in their union rather than the burden of the culture. The question is, what do you focus on in your marriage-the newsworthy or the praiseworthy?

The difference is that the praiseworthy partner has their focus on the unusal and the typical and the commonplace which is in no way newsworthy, but which is what their life is all about. The positive values they share day by day that make life enjoyable. The massive number of little things you appreicate, but tend to take for granted. The Bible authorizes us to be people of praise, not just in our worship of God, but in our relationships on the human level. In our text of Prov. 31 we see a marvelous wife and mother, and this is a hymn of praise to her. In verse 28 her children bless her and her husband praises her. In verse 30 it states that a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Verse 31 says, "Let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

In the space of four verses this woman; this wife, and this mother is praised three times with the same Hebrew word that is used for the praise of God all through the Old Testament. No other person in the Old Testament receives this much praise, and what this leads to is another example of how the romantic and the religious are linked. The nearest thing there is to the love of God is the love of a man for a woman. That is why marriage is used in the Bible to illustrate the love relationship of God and His people. The nearest you can get is the love of a husband and his wife. The language of praise to God cannot be matched except by the praise of a man for the woman he loves.

This same Hebrew word halal is used of the pretty woman in the Song of Solomon 6:9 where it says that even the Queen and all the other women praise her. Then in 6:10 she is described: "Who is this that appears like the dawn, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, majestic as the stars in the procession." That is wild extravagant language usually only acceptable in reference to God, but allowed by God on the lips of a man in love with the girl he considers the most beautiful of beings on earth. It would seem that God permits men to come close to idolatry in their love for, and praise of, their wives. The language of human love uses the same vocabulary as is used for the love of God.

I adore you.
I worship the ground you stand on.
You are my angel.
You are the light of my life.
It's heaven to be in your arms.

Even knowing that men would often choose their love for a woman over their love for Him, God still permits this kind of love to be acceptable. Adam chose Eve over God. David chose Bathsheba over God's will. Many others in the Bible did the same thing, all of which has led to a vast literature of an anti-feminine nature blaming women for all the evil's of the world. They can even sound valid until you look at the attitude of God. In spite of all the risks God promotes the devotion of men to women, and especially their wives.

Prov. 5:18, using the same Hebrew word for rejoicing in the Lord, says, "May you rejoice in the wife of your youth." Paul went as far as language can go when he wrote in Eph. 5:25, "Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her." It is shocking, and it would border on blasphemy if it was not clearly Bibical that we are to present our bodies as living sacrifices unto our wives. We are to rejoice in our wives always just as we are to rejoice in the Lord always. We are to offer unto them also the sacrifice of praise.

God will not tolerate any rival among the gods, yet He will tolerate and even encourage you to treat your wife like a goddess. God has exalted romance to the highest level in His Word. The essence of worship is praise, and the essence of romance is praise. It is the beauty of God's being and His loving acts that motivate us to praise Him, and it is the beauty of the female and her loving acts that motivate us to praise her. Just as we are happiest in our relationship to God when we are praising Him, so we are happiest in our relationship to our wives when are praising them.

The formula for revival and a renewed fire in our love for God is praise. The same formula is the key to renewing the fires of romance in our marriage. Praise is a form of power that works wonders on all levels. The secret to keeping the fire of romance alive is praise. Those mates who cease to praise can plan on living with a lot of cold ashes, but those who practice praising will be kept warm for as long as they live. To praise is to love. Anything, or anyone, you love you will praise. If I love a certain kind of candy I will praise it, and let others know of my appreciation. If I think Estes Park, Colorado is a place I love to visit, I will praise it and tell others of its beauty. Love is expressed by praise.

Those who do not love the one I love will see their defects. They will focus on the news worthy aspects of their being and doing. The matters that have gossip value. They talk too much, or they are too shy, or they lack maturity, or they lack depth, or on and on. But love is blind to the defects because of the light of what is praiseworthy. It blinds them to the minor defects, but reveals to them the beauty of the major values. The highest level of romance is when all the negative realites are as nothing, and you are overwhelmed by all that is praiseworthy.

This is what we call falling in love, for when this happens you seem somewhat crazy to everybody else. Your parents see all the defects and weaknesses of the one you have fallen in love with. They will try to subtly warn you of the these negatives realities. But it is like trying to get you to feel bad that there is a spot on the sun. You do not care, for there is light and warmth to meet your every need. This is the state where people say you are walking on air, and your head is in the clouds. It is so heavenly that you care nothing for earthly realities. This is the height of the love state of romance, for it is totally praise dominated. This is the state that the great love song of the Bible is all about. The Song of Songs is eight chapters of almost continuous praise. And the good news is that the male is praised by the female also, and so praise is a two way street.

The Song of Songs is a book where rejoicing, delighting, and praising are the theme. The romantic and religious life are so intertwined that all through history this song has been applied to both the love of man for God, and the love of male and female. It is the Song of Songs-the greatest song of all, and there can be no separation of the romantic and the religious, for they both thrive equally on praise. The male is always saying, "How beautiful you are my darling." Then he goes into a rapture of praise as he describes the loveliness of every part of her body. The female returns the praise by saying, "How handsome you are my lover, oh how charming!" Then she launches into a song of adoration of all his body parts, and ends up, "He is altogether lovely."

The bottom line is this: God is revealing through this great romantic song that they key to romance is praise. The female gets most of the praise, and the words for praise are used most often for her, but the fact is, it works both ways, and it becomes a basic principle of life that praise is what kindles love, and it is praise that keeps love glowing in any relationship. The praiser is the true lover. Now this has implications for all of life, for if love is the highest virtue without which, as Paul says in I Cor. 13, all other virtues are worthless, this means the single most important part of our personality is our spirit of praise.

To be spirit-filled means to be filled with a spirit of praise. To be Christlike means to be ever seeking for ways to praise. To praise is to love. How do you love your children? There are many ways, but you will fall short of the best if you do not learn to praise them. That is the basic need children have. They need to be loved for who they are, and praise can give them that assurance that they are worthy even if they are not superior and able to do all things well. A child raised with praise will be a love child with a strong sense of self-esteem.

How do you love people that you may have no depth relationship with? Maybe they are people at work that you know only in that setting. The latest management books like The One-Minute Manager is telling managers all over the country to look for what people are doing right and give them a one minute praising. Production will go up and the atmosphere of the work place will be much better, and everybody wins. This is a Biblical principle being applied in daily life. The news worthy will tear you down, but the praiseworthy will build you up. Look for all the mistakes and errors, and there are always more than enough in fallen world, and you will destroy relationships. But if you look beyond them to the praiseworthy, and let people know what they are appreciated for, you will build relationships and a positive atmosphere. A praising personality is the greatest asset in any relationship.

Tracy Cabot in her book How To Keep A Man In Love With You Forever stresses the need for praise. She says the secret of long married women is they flatter their husbands and tell them they are wonderful. Drug addicts, she points out, come back again and again to their drugs because they get predictable and repetable pleasure on demand. The goal of a wife is to get her husband addicted to her praise. He will keep coming back to her again and again, for he will feel she is a dependable source of pleasure. If all he gets is, "You lazy bum," in his face, there will be a lessening of that magnetic attraction. The fact is, he may at times be just that-a lazy bum. But the question is, is this a newsworthy fact-that is a small part of his total lifestyle, and if so, is that what you desire to focus on and be miserable, or will you focus on the larger picture, the praiseworthy, that which made you fall in love with him?

A focus on the negative will depreciate your relationship and make it of less value. But a focus on the positive will appreciate it. Your home appreciates in value so that it is worth more this year than last year. The best investments are in those things which appreciate. Marriage can go either way, and the deciding factor is the power of praise. If you want your marriage to appreciate in value, then you have to focus on what you appreciate about each other and praise your mate for those praiseworthy values. The alternative is to start your marriage like a cadillac and let it depreicate by being critical until all that is left is the junk value. You determine by praise, or the lack of it, whether your marriage is a house appreciating in value, or a car depreciating in value. Is your mate most often in a cave of criticism, or on a pedestal of praise?

Gary Smalley in his book The Joy Of Committed Love tells of the crisis he had to go through to see the light. He is watching the Saturday afternoon football game, and his wife goes into the kitchen and comes back with sandwiches for his three children, and there he sat a few feet away and he gets nothing. In a matter of seconds he is fighting resentment. After all, he is the bread winner in this home, and if anyone deserves a sandwich it is him. He in anger went and made his own sandwich, but he could not get rid of the resentment. After letting it burn a few days he decided to confront his wife on the issue. He asked her why she did not make him a sandwich last Saturday during the game. He was not prepared for how fast the pieces of this puzzle were put together by her response.

"Are you serious," she asked? "Do you realize that everytime I make you a sandwich, you say something critical about it?" 'Norma, you didn't give me enough lettece....Is this avocado ripe?...You put too much mayonnaise on this.....Hey, how about some butter?...Well, its a little dry'.... "Maybe you've never realize it, but you have had a critical statement for every sandwich I ever made. I just wasn't up to being criticized the other day. It wasn't worth it. I don't enjoy being criticized."

Now he was not sure he didn't like it better when he was in the dark. The light hurt, and he realized it was true. He had sown criticism, and now he was reaping and empty plate. From that time on he began to praise Norma for every sandwich she made, and his pleasant observaton is that he has never been left out again. Praise is a powerful tool of positive productivity. Deprive any relationship of praise and you will suffocate it, for praise is the oxygen that keeps it alive and burning. The number one way to rekindle the flame of romance is to stop looking for the newsworthy, and start looking for the praiseworthy. Give up on your critical spirit, which is our fallen natures way of trying to bring about change, and follow the ways of praise which leads to change for the better.

Secular studies confirm what the Bible says. It is a principle that God built into human relationships. The praising teacher has the best students. The praising boss has the best workers. The praising leader has the best followers. The praising mate has the best marriage. It is not a gimmic, but it is a law of life, and Christians are to obey this law to the highest degree, for this is the key way by which we please God and find happiness in all relationships.

This is such an obvious and universal law that even many secular authors have discovered it. Why is it that many Christians fail to live by it, and praise their mates often? For the same reason they neglect the praise of God. They are too preoccupied and just do not take the time to think about what they have to be thankful for, both to God and the one they love. Charlie Tremendous Jones, the Christian motivational speaker and author, says that nobody can be completely positive about all of life all the time, but all of us can be engaged in a process of learning, growing, and developing positive attitudes.

If we are not so engaged, we are being self-centered and deserve the poor relationships we have. Charlie Shedd, one of America's most famous marriage enrichment authorities, says that most people spend most of their time thinking about themselves and just don't bother to consider the role that others play in their lives. They seldom express praise for all the ways they are benefited and enriched by others. This ideal wife and mother in Prov. 31 is praised to high heaven. She is on a pedestal of praise. But many wives who do their best never receive a compliment. We know this because case histories are in most every book written about marriage problems of Christian mates.

If I, who have read several hundred books on the subject over the years, and who has taught a number of marriage enrichment classes dealing with the importance of complimenting your mate often, still neglect this area of praise, then I know it is almost universally neglected. Jesus knew our weakness, and knew it was possible for His disciples to even forget and neglect to praise Him for His sacrifice on the cross that made their eternal salvation possible. That is why He gave us the ordinance of communion. He said, do this in remembrance of me, and by doing this made it clear that we can't rely on our own will and memory to be a praise-ful person. We need a reminder to keep us aware of the need to never forget and forsake praise.

Applying this to marriage, we need to set aside a time, once a week, once a month, like we do communion. The frequency depending on the degree of your weakness, but periodically reading the love portions of the Bible. Prov. 31, the Song of Solomon, and I Cor. 13. We need perpetual reminders that the essence of life is love, and the essence of love is praise, for both romantic and religious love. God expects us to be ever growing in both realms, and be praisers of Him,and be praisers in romance.